mistakes we knew we were making

I have just spent the whole day listening to the same song over and over again - Lifeline, by Angels and Airwaves. It was supposed to be a working day so I showed up but apparently no one else did (it's like I'm the only one who's committed to the firm!) so I cranked up the ipod and for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to move from that song. It's made think about a lot of little missteps I made growing up, most of them really petty and childish. Well, in my defence, I was a child. And if there's one problem I've always had, it's speaking before I think and saying things I don't really mean. It's usually all a joke to me, but my particular brand of comedy is apparently an acquired taste.

I remember there was this one time it was I think one of those holidays around end of year, and it was Saturday so everyone was home, and then my mum just walks in and tells us all we're going to eat out. I was overjoyed! I think I was born with a craving for fast food. So gleefully me and kina my brothers dress up and off we go. And then shock on us - turns out it wasn't a hotel, like, you know, the Hilton or anything. It was actually a shanty. Deep inside the small town that was our home. My immediate reaction, and I believed I was speaking for everyone when I said this, was something to the tune of "You must be crazy if you think we're going to eat in a place like that." Of course my mum pulled rank and forced us on, and when we got closer I saw that a few of my friends from school were actually in there eating and my mind took an absolute 180. I was like this place rocks! Let's go eat. She noticed the reason I'd changed my mind, and I noticed the implication. I was young, but old enough that I could tell when I'd disappointed my mother (about 13). It wasn't so much that when it was her taking me there I said no, it was more that when I saw my friends eat there I decided it must be ok. I believe that was my first real snobbish act, and needless to say it haunted me for quite a while. Up until then I was the guy for whom peer pressure had only been a topic in Home Science class, things you read coz you have to make it into Starehe. I've always been the perceptive kind, so I could definitely tell she thought less of me in that moment. As far as boo boos in my childhood go, that was pretty much as big as it got. It's actually a big part of the reason I try so hard to not get influenced by anyone into doing things I wouldn't normally do, that look in her eyes, so yes, it did make me a better person.

I remember also a time now in high school when I don't remember why, but we were having an argument, still with my mum. It must have been about food, coz I remember the subject of breakfast came up, and I blurted out, "It's just three slices of bread, and the stomach's still the same size it was when we ate three heapings of rice last night, so don't think that breakfast even does that much to satisfy us! It's not like if I didn't have it I'd suddenly drop down and die of hunger," or something to that tune. And again, I could tell straight away that was something I shouldn't have said. But this time she didn't spare me, she actually told me off, and told me it was time I started thinking before I spoke, and the people actually did have feelings and all that crap. It was a long talk, that one! Whew! And she used to teach English in a past life so she has this really rich language set that she resorts to when she's mad, so suffice it to say by the end of that talk I was that much better at English, coz I always note new words when I meet them. I managed to figure the error of my ways in both cases - one she'd jitolead to take us out and here we were acting like ingrateful littel brats, and in the second case she'd jitolead to provide us three square meals a day breakfast being the first one and here I was acting like, well, an ingrateful little brat.

Then there was that time when we were in NYC and we're in the subway and I have the camcorder capturing the scenes and all, then I notice that one of the girls we were with had held onto this really sweet little black kid who happened to be sitting next to her and they were posing for a photo and laughing and generally connecting, then I zone in me and my camera, shoot a few minutes of that mush-fest and then just out of nowhere I blurt out, "Nancy (that was her name) how do you spell sodomy?" Of course, being the guy with the camera, all eyes were on me, a situation that was less-than-ideal given the circumstances. WHAT!! Ya, that was definitely not one of my finer moments. I cannot believe I actually said that in a subway-full of people in America! I honestly meant it as a joke, but really, the way to hell is paved with good intentions, so they say. One of my other pals reprimanded me and at that moment I started to wonder why it is the ground never opens up to swallow errant people like we read about in all those good books.

I used to play video games a lot growing up. Still do, just a little less, and more console than PC. But anyway, it follows that when this friend of mine was having a problem with his, he turned to me for help. Do I have any ideas, he asked? Of course I did, why wouldn't I? I'm the guy who always has something to say. "Grow up, get a real job and stop playing computer games," said I. Turns out he didn't quite find it funny, if the really long message about his life that he sent back to me was anything to go by. Or that time in first year that I sat down right opposite a really self-concious chic who I knew was self concious but still asked her straight on, "Are you cross-eyed?" with a certain inflection that she found not so flattering. She was, but I must be pretty good at apologising, coz we were actually like best friends all thro uni.

I guess I'm one of those people who's eternally grateful that the concept of second chances was invented. Coz if it hadn't I can't imagine how many bridges I'd have burned by now. I'm also one of those people who talks really fast so it really does I appear like I talk before I think, but in reality sometimes that's just the excuse I hide behind, coz truth is like everyone else I do think faster than I speak. But I really do make an intentional effort to learn from my mistakes, things I can and things I can't say at least.

But I make no apologies for how I am. In fact, if there's anything I wanna be able to apply the same principle to the rest of my life. I like fantisizing that were I ever in a boardroom I'm not going to be one of those people that gets plagued by analysis paralysis. If a decision needs to be made it's gonna be made now. I mean, if there's no new information coming in then just as well now as next week, right? I'll be a happy guy if I end up that kind of person. Yes I'll probably make a lot of mistakes, but an opportunity is never going to pass me by just because I didn't react fast enough. There's an ad guy who used to run his father's company, Deutsch, Inc, and then sold it to IPG called Donny Deutsch. He had the most outrageous methods of doing things, but he did raise up their enterprise to the top 10 ad agency list, so he must have been doing something right. This is what someone else said about him when reviewing his auto-bio, "Deutsch has been enormously successful in building a top-ranked advertising organization - and empire. Two things impressed me in a positive way as my mental Polaroid image of Deutsch finally took on full color and clarity. First, he risks, and because he risks, he wins more often than he loses. Second, he values his people, and places them in positions to win." Imagine that - he risks, and because he risks, he wins more often than he loses. I want that to be me. If in 20 years I can say that about myself, then my work here will be done. Of course, not surprisingly, Deutsch's book is called Often Wrong, Never In Doubt.

END