the day before the day

The story goes: this guy's walking down the road when he falls into a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription and throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts out, "Father I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me. Can you help me out?" The friend jumps into the hole. The guy says, "You fool. Are you stupid?? Now we're both stuck here." And the friend says, "Ah, but I've been here before. I know the way out."

It's been about 5 months since I came to the realization that I was not as I had seen myself in my dreams. It quite literally happened, as everything cliched, during a sleepless night. I sat up all night that night, driven by an irrevocable compulsion to re-examine my life. And when I couldn't hold it in any longer, I began to seek forgiveness. And then later I began seeking for the strength to become different. Better.

So I have been practising something new. I've been trying to listen. I've been trying to put others before me, or at least at the same level in my mind as myself. I've been empathising before responding; listening to understand; walking a mile in other people's shoes. And for one thing, I have found walking to be pretty good for the heart. 

It's not easy for someone like me to defer to someone else. Habits only take 21 days to form, and I've had 21 years. So the other thing I've learned to do over the past so many weeks has been to depend on the experiences of others. As I've started to listen more keenly, I've discovered that there are a lot of people out there who havebeen when I am. They've already weathered this storm and have paid the price for personal improvement. I've been learning from them little by little. Simple things like shutting up and not saying that last word. Or accepting an apology even when it wasn't delivered in the language I wanted it in. Or being the first to back down and say the winning in the long run is more important than winning right now. Or, just being a whole lot more generous with the myriad of blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me.

This weekend was Yom Kippur. That's the Jewish holiday where you go to God and seek atonement for the sins you have committed. It's like the Sabbath of Sabbaths. I found out though that the day before Yom Kippur is called Erev Yom Kippur. On that day, you go before men and you seek their forgiveness for all the wrongs you have committed against them. You cannot seek to set yourself straight with God unless you're straight with man is the principle I think.

Anyway, I've learned that friends can have an amazing impact on your life if you let them. And if you have the right ones. So that must mean I have some great friends. Little by little I'm getting straight with all of them. One of these days I shall be able to go to God with a pure heart and a clean slate.

END

nobody's perfect

It must be really hard being a woman. Like cosmic hard. Knowing you're the weaker sex not because you're really weaker but because of how strength has come to be defined. Knowing that for the rest of your life you'll always have to work that much harder just to get what others get in their sleep - because they're the ones handing out the awards. Having to grow up in a world that's basically an old boys' club with no old girls' club to take you in. Spending your whole life replacing every reference you can find of 'weaker' in 'weaker sex' with 'fairer', but knowing in your heart that it's really just a euphemism. Living in a world that considers exceeding mankind's former abilities extraordinary for men; but merely matching man the glass ceiling for you, the woman. Listening to everything around you, including other women, tell you where your place is, and how it wasn't kosher to try and rise above it. First having to defend your right to even be present before you can start agitating to be heard.

Having a personality that you take pride in, but that you have to watch recede; sometimes for the rest of your life. Having to watch it recede just so you can enable the dreams of another. Having to have your validation come from his. Going back home everyday to a man that agrees with society on how much success is too much for you; wanting you behind him always, to say yes to his whims and I'm sorry to his disappointments. Having to make yourself smaller so that he may shine. Submitting in every way he needs you to, and in so doing killing who you were and becoming a component of the man. The man you gave your heart to. Literally.

When I was growing up, I always saw myself as the kind of man that would pay mind to this plight. I always thought I would realise how equal we were, in that our different strengths were meant to be complementary to each other. I thought that when presented with the chance, I would cede control to the both of us rather than wield it as I had seen others before me. I was proud of the image of me I had in my mind. My idea of power then was always one of balance. Passing it on to those who may be able to apply it better than yourself. Doing so with nothing compelling you to other than it is the right thing to do.

That image has been shattered. I've been walking down memory recently. Thinking about how I've treated the women in my life. I have received some valuable insight as to what it must take to commit crime. All you have to do is believe in your heart that it isn't wrong. I was mean to them. I belittled them. I berated their intelligence. I uttered, and not once, phrases like, "You will learn your place." I did do some good things for them, but as it turns out, they weren't enough for the cost, which was their self worth. I treated them like they should be beholden to me for just being with them. I treated them like the world treats women - second rate. Only deserving of second place. To be seen and not heard. The one thing I thought I had actively avoided (by reading and re-reading copies of Lean In et al), I had become. It's interesting, isn't it, how you can be one thing to yourself and the complete opposite in reality and not even know it. Bad people must really believe they're changing the world. They must not know they're breaking it. Otherwise why would they?

The first step towards recovery is admitting there's a problem.

So, "Hi. My name is Colin, and I'm a male chauvinist."

END

between raising hell and amazing grace

It's been exactly one year - to the day - since I was last here. The year has been ... eventful to say the least. Anyway.

The story of Job is a very interesting one. Here is a man whom God Himself holds up as a paragon of integrity. And the devil is like, but you've given him so much. Of course he worships you, what else would he do. "Ok, then. Let's see," says God to the devil. So the devil starts taking everything away from Job one by one, until he has nothing left. And Job reacts, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be His name." Obviously the devil is not happy, so he goes after Job's own health. Job gets condemned so publicly that even his three closest friends who were standing by him start to admonish him. They assume he must have done something really bad to deserve what was happening to him. "Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless?" They ask him.

In his human nature, Job does not understand why all this is happening to someone who was faithful to God all his life. He cries out to the Lord and calls him to account. "If I have sinned, what have I done to you, oh watcher of men? Why have you made me your target?" he challenges God. But the Lord stays hidden from him. Job gives up. "My spirit is broken. My days are cut short," he laments.

And then God finally does come back to him. But not to answer his questions. He walks Job through a wilderness appreciation tour, highlighting all the majesties and splendour of nature. His point: until you know what it takes to run a physical universe, don't tell me how to run a moral one. However, in all their interactions, God never accuses Job of sinning against Him. He admonishes him for calling His fairness into account, but never for sinning. 

In the end, Job himself does come round to repenting, but again, not for railing against God. "Surely I spoke of things I did not understand. Things too wonderful for me to know." This is what he repents for.

There's a lot of stories you can take out of the book of Job. But two I find most compelling right now: 1) you will go through suffering and you won't know why until God reveals it to you; and 2) while you're suffering you can tell all that to God. Throw at him your anger, your disappointment, your grief and your doubt. God is bigger than we are - he can take it all.

So the last time I did this, I was reminded of a story my dad told me. He said, "I know that I went out of my way to serve the Lord, and it has been well with me."

Given his condition now, and the things that have been happening, I'm thinking, has it? Job had a lot of grace, and he sounds like he was a very strong person. He waited a lifetime for God to reveal Himself. I don't know if I'm built that way. I don't know how long I can hold out for.

They say God doesn't let you go through anything He hasn't already equipped you to handle. Ok, then, let's see.

END

things a momma don't know

So I was at an event some time last month where the guy challenged us to, for the next 30 days, pick a thing each day and be grateful for it. To prove to ourselves how much we did indeed have to be grateful for so that we'd stop being so grumpy and getting in the way of our own success. I've been doing that, but obviously I had a bit of a rough patch given the things that have been happening lately. I'm back now, and given these two months (February and March) are both my parents' birthdays, I thought it might be a good time to reflect on exactly why they're still the biggest things that have ever happened to me.

Obviously being as deep as I am, this cannot be the first time in my life I'm thanking God for my parents, I've done this before. Once or twice. It's the reasons why that change. This time I'm taking time to contemplate what kind of impact spiritually my parents have had on me.

I remember when I was growing up I'd look around and see some of my friends' parents just let them run helter skelter and I'd be like "Why can't my parents be like that?" Because let's be clear - my house was ruled with an iron fist. A real one. You did what you were told no questions asked. Like I've still never watched the first Bad Boys, because when it came out it was banned at my house coz of language, and by the time I was old enough to watch it I wasn't interested anymore. But it has not escaped my notice that I don't swear. It just doesn't ever occur to me to do it, even though it happens everywhere around me. Children don't realise how much the environment around them affects who they are until they see it in other people. 

There was a time I was home on holiday and I'd taken a week to just do nothing but sit at home. Then my parents went on a road trip and left me the car but told me not to go anywhere with it. Then this one afternoon two of my friends show up with their car telling me to ride out with them for thrills. I knew how to drive already by then, and no one would have known, coz we were just going around the hood and everyone was at work, but I didn't even think twice before I said no. My instructions had been to not go anywhere unnecessary. This didn't seem necessary. So I politely declined.

We had a very christian upbringing. So through my life I've never had any big moral conundrums to deal with. Somehow for as long as I can remember deep down inside I've always known or had a sense of what the right thing to do was. And it hasn't been very difficult for me to do it. So while I've seen people go through pit falls and fall apart at the seams, I've remained largely unscathed. I attribute all of this to my parents. They have been bastions of stability through my life and have always been a reference point whenever I was faced with a tough choice. The older I became the more I wanted to succeed for myself, but there has always been a part of my drive that's been about living up to my potential in their eyes. My dad always made me believe the best gift I could give him was to make a good living for myself, so that's what I try to do.

When I was little, I still remember those early Sunday mornings when we'd get up at the crack of dawn so our father could drop us off in church before the service started (he had a bicycle and if memory serves had to make two trips coz obviously we can't all fit on a bike), because he needed to be there to set up for the service. And it was like this for most of my childhood. We'd be the kids licking sugary dough because my dad was out all Saturday sticking up posters all over town telling people about a crusade next month. Sometimes we'd need to sit in silence as the choir practised, because he was also in charge of music at church. He was the interpreter as well. He told me a story recently - there was a time he was sick, like, dying sick, and Sunday came and there was no one to set up at church. They actually came and got him on stilts and took him there so he could show them what to do and how, and then put him in the pastor's car because he was too weak to attend the service.

At the time I used to just look, and I used to enjoy the fame that comes with being a church leader's child, but turns out I was learning. Because later on in life it was the easiest thing for me to join church ministry once I found a church I felt I could settle in. It seemed like a natural progression and I did it for the three years I went there with nothing but joy. I remember at one point being a sort of go-to guy, and whenever I could help it, I never ever said no to my ministry leaders. My dad summed up his story for me, "When I hear people complaining about the Lord's work is difficult bla bla bla I don't know what they're talking about. They haven't seen what I've seen. I know that I went out of my way to serve the Lord, and it has been well for me."

My mum was the most generous person I knew. Our door was never closed - it literally stayed open the whole day. She'd do everything for everyone and would never even hesitate. We'd be the guys hosting everyone during the holidays. We'd be the guys supplying our neighbours with vegetables. I'd be the guy who hated being around when there were visitors because the chores multiplied exponentially - even people who came by to just drop the mail would end up staying for dinner. I hated it at the time. It didn't seem to me like there was enough to go around like this. Turns out there was. And I've become progressively more and more generous. I'm not yet at her standard - I still require quid pro quo, but I see her in the way that I treat the people that are close to me. People that will roll over for me I'll die for (well I won't DIE for them, I'll probly get them ice cream...)

My parents have been married now for +30 years. And there have been ups and downs, some downs very, very down, but they're still standing strong. They still look at each other like that. They're still those people to each other. I know enough now to know that it doesn't automatically happen that way. That it takes effort and commitment. I'm rock solid as a person because they were rock solid. If I can fly it's because they've been the wind beneath my wings. From the moment I was born there has never been anything I needed that I didn't have. There hasn't been a sacrifice that was too big to make for me. I've met enough people now that I realise not everyone can say that. I've seen enough to know that I can't take my parents for granted, ever.

END

champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

So when I was about 10 I was at a friend's place when I heard his mom ask him "Will you please do me that favor?", and I didn't know what a favor was so I asked. His mom wanted him to heat water for her, he knew that from before I got there, so he explained to me that a favor was when someone asks you to heat water for them, and I believed it. Turns out that was not entirely correct. Anyway, I started asking for favors whenever I wanted hot water to shower. But more importantly, thus started what was going to be a long culture of me learning things from my friends without knowing I was learning them.

That was a while back, and today, it's a while plus one more year. If I'm a significantly smarter person now than I was back then, and I am, it's because of all the amazing people I've met in my journey. People who've had an effect on me without even knowing that they were having it.

I had a friend in high school who we later ended up going to university with that I think is one of the most brilliant minds we have in our country right now. Remember that time I said I wanted to be able to say when I'm 90 that yes I made some mistakes but I was never afraid to take a risk? This guy has been living that mantra all his life. He's the guy that started an online business with part of his uni loan when we were still in school. He registered about 4 companies by the time we were in the 3rd year. When those fell under, he picked up his pieces and started one of our very first investment clubs, complete with investor proposals. When we cleared school and went our separate ways he started trading fish, because he saw a need and he figured out how to get supply to fill it out. He's been involved in countless ventures, and any lesser person would by now have given up, but not this guy. He just keeps learning and keeps on getting up the next day to try something else. I've learned from him that it's never so bad it won't be better tomorrow.

There's another friend of mine I grew up with. He's younger than me, so by the time he was starting high school, I was on my way out. But because our families were friends and stuff I've kept tabs with what's happening in his life. He's the guy that came second in the entire province in the final exam. And this despite having participated in all the extra curricular activities that count at the same time he was studying. Actuarial science is one of the harder courses to get into - he did. And he aced it. And halfway through, thought he wanted to be a pilot instead, and went and did those tests, and aced them. He's now a pilot with a degree in actuarial science. I don't know a single thing he's ever tried that he didn't succeed at. And yet you wouldn't be able to tell it relating with him. A lot of times I have to blow his trumpet because I know he won't do it himself and his story is too inspiring not to tell. I've learned from him that no one is ever too great to be humble.

There's another friend from university who I used to think had self esteem issues. I used to think she was the kind of person that would crumble and self destruct were she to be afflicted with adversity. Well, adversity did afflict her. Being a goody-two-shoes, things happened and she ended up pregnant. Something that's frowned upon in certain circles. And the baby daddy refused by implication to claim ownership. So she stepped up. He wanted her but didn't want the baby. I didn't think she had it in her, but she made the tough call. She let him go. She decided it was better to be alone and be happy than be hitched and be sad. And she's thriving now, generally winning at life. I've learned that from her. No one is ever too important to be dispensed with if they get in the way of your happiness.

Which brings me to my current friend. My best, friend. The person I've spent more time with than with anyone else since I was old enough to know things. I'm a difficult person to be with. I'm headstrong. I'm extremely loud and opinionated, and well spoken to complete the cycle. I think I know everything, and most times I actually do. I don't care about clothes or fashion or how I look. I value creature comforts over savings. I have a very quick temper - I snap quickly, but then I also calm down almost immediately. Because of how I grew up, I've become and expert at hurting people using words. I don't care for things that won't physically touch my life, including, but not limited to, my country and its leaders. She's my complete opposite. And yet she stays. She takes it all. Takes ME all. She has the biggest heart I know outside of my mother. And from her, I've learnt compromise.

These people are all a part of me. They are part of my past, my present, and my future. I embody within me the things I have learnt from them. Every day I get up in the morning I live the impact they have had on my life. And today, more than any other day, I am grateful I met these people, and many others (against whom I had the chance to sharpen now razor-sharp wit). They say children learn what they live. They are right. I learned what I lived. And I'm a better person for having known every one of the people I know. So as I celebrate my birthday, they are on my mind. And I can only hope that I get a chance to have as profound an impact on other people around me as they have had on me.

END

weeks go by like days

So I've realized that I only blog when I have something to complain about. When everything is not going as it should be. Then somewhere in there sneak in some of the good things as side notes. And from talking to a friend of a friend's who wants to write a book, I find I am not alone in this. Writer's block tends more often than not to be a period of prosperity and happiness. Coincidence? Anyway, that really doesn't sound right. The Bible says in everything to give thanks, for this is the will of Lord concerning you. So I wanna change that this year. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to my glory days of three years ago. This is my version of a new year's resolution.

I've decided this year to get real hobbies. It's really easy when you live in a foreign country where you don't know anyone and they're not necessarily falling over themselves to get close to you, to fall into a pattern where you just sit and watch TV and go to gym and go to the mall. And realize six months later that all you've done is watch six months go by. And that you stopped going to gym at month 2. I don't want any of that anymore. I don't want to just hang around. I started already towards the end of last year with photography, I wanna get better at that. The other thing I'm thinking of getting into is music. I've always loved listening to it, why not do something with that? Why not learn what DJs do when they do their thing? So I'd like to start on that as well.

Speaking of music, I used to play piano when I was in high school. Those days I used to be able to teach myself things quite effectively. I wonder what changed - whether I got less smart or got more impatient. Because I've tried with guitar and I haven't made much progress. Shem! But I wanna start again. For the second time, and hopefully there won't be a third. I was walking through a music store last week and came across these really cool piano replacements that are electronic but have 88 keys which are weighted so it really feels exactly like a normal piano, and I started getting ideas. Maybe I could buy one. Then I'd be able to start playing piano again. But I've already got a guitar. And Napoleon says to start with the tools we have at hand. So I think that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm still on the fence with swimming lessons. I know they've got it at the gym and probably all I'd have to do would be to buy a swimming costume, but I just can't seem to get over something in my mind. Same goes for dancing, which is starting to become less and less of a issue the older I get. So I'm gonna let those be a little bit.

I told myself late last year that I was gonna try and build meaningful relationships around me, but that seems much easier said than done. And there's too many other factors at play there, I think. So I'm staying off that. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I'll find a way to get over it.

The biggest lesson I think people learn as they get older, Steve certainly did, is that time's gonna pass by, whether you do something or not. So if I were to summarize everything I'd like to do this year in one sentence, it's that I'd like to do something with this time I have been given. I see myself getting closer to my partner. I see myself getting better at guitar, and photography, and music. I see myself reading all the books in my 700-strong iBooks library. I see myself watching the entire West Wing all over again. I see myself exceeding further at work. I see myself buying a house, or at least getting significantly closer to it. I see myself blogging more frequently. And travelling. Ya, I definitely see myself travelling.

END

you're a runner, and i am my father's son

Jacob had 12 sons. Joseph was his youngest, and was his favorite.One night Joseph had a dream. They were all out harvesting corn, and the other 11 brothers' sheafs bowed down to his. He told them about it, and they laughed at him. Then the next night he went and had another dream: this time the sun, the moon and eleven stars all bowed down to him. His father called it an abomination. But God was making him a promise. One day, all these people you see around you will bow down before you.

The next thing that happened was, as we all know, Joseph's brothers, being exceedingly human, sold him off into slavery and told his father that he was dead. Just like that. One night, you dream you're going to be king, the next night, the people you will supposedly reign over sell you off into slavery, never to be seen or heard from again.

I think this tells us one very fundamental thing about God's promises to us, something we don't always remember - he promises us a happy end. He does not promise us a  smooth ride there. On the contrary, we know we shall get tested. And that it will be very difficult to hold onto the dream. This is what the guy at church last week was speaking about. It was one of very few sermons that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

It's been a rough two months. And I have found myself questioning this promise of prosperity. Both about myself and about my parents. I've always known this in principle, but now I think I know it for a fact - the government is the most thankless employer. You have to be cut out of a special cloth to have a successful career with those people. 

On this random day about two years ago, I woke up to continuing soft sobs from their room. It was my mother sobbing. I immediately thought the worst. I've written here before that you don't want to hear your mother crying, I meant it, coz I've been there. So I quickly rushed over to see what was going on. It turns out, it was something that had been building up over time, and had just come to a head that weekend. My dad had thrown himself into his work coz they gave him a school to run that basically wasn't a school, so he had to build it from the ground up with his own hands literally sometimes. In the process of giving his all to his employer, he dropped the ball a little on the home front. Or a lot. So my mum had been feeling neglected. She felt he didn't care that much about her and she wasn't number one anymore. And a lot of things had happened in between also to drive this impression further in her mind.

Anyway, he didn't get four stars and a big bonus in appreciation of the stunning results he delivered. Because it cost him part of his marriage, but he did deliver. No gold crown for him or anything. He instead got shipped off to the back of beyond to start all over again. With even more trials and tribulations. And he loves challenges so I guess maybe that in itself was reward to him. So of course he went. And from what I'm hearing he's taken the troubles as his own children. Like he always does. And he's my icon so I'm partly on his side, so I said to my mum what Khalil Gibran would have said, "Let him be. He's being the change he wants to see in the world." And then she asked, "But while he's out there changing the world where am I?" I didn't really have an answer.

It took a very long time, and in the interim he had to go to jail even, but Joseph finally got elevated by Pharaoh above everyone else in the kingdom but him. And when the rest of the world didn't have any food for 7 years, Egypt prospered under Joseph's watch. And so it came to pass that his father and eleven brothers did end up bowing before him. Just as he'd dreamt a hundred years ago. Just like God had promised him. God does not promise us a smooth life. But he does promise that the plans he has for us are plans to prosper. Plans for good and not for evil. And that everything will work together for good for them that love Him.

I don't know if a lot of people know this, but Rick Warren's wife suffered breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy. During the ordeal, he came out and said, "I used to think life alternates. I used to think it was a series of valleys and hills. That after every period of suffering will come a period of comic relief. I don't anymore. I now believe it's like a railway track. There's good, and there's evil. And they run together in parallel. Which you focus on is entirely up to you." I'm trying to find the good in everything that happens to me.

END

i taught myself how to grow old

The story goes: two newborn babies are lying side by side in a hospital and they glance at each other. 90 years later, through remarkable coincidence, they find themselves lying across from each other on their deathbeds, and they glance at each other again. "So what did you think?" asks one to the other.

Everything remaining constant, it's going to be a very long time before any of us has to answer that question. But I think life is made up of milestones, and I think the way it works is certain milestones come quicker than others. Past a certain age, everything happens at lightning speed. And I think we've passed that age now. Time shifts into overdrive and from here on out everything's gonna fly past in the blink of an eye. So if you had to answer that question today, what would you say?

I learned from my father at a very young age that in life you will only ever get entrusted with as much as you show yourself capable of handling. The way I understood it at the time is that there were going to be standard tests sort of every so often, and if you pass one then you'd have earned the right to move on to the next (bigger) stage. School was definitely like that, and I blew past that. But as far as the rest of life goes, I've been thinking about it, and I think maybe there's certain stages I may have missed out on.

When I was in primary school there used to be occasional scandals where a boy would look at a girl, fall in love with them, and of course, being 13, would go and write that girl a little love letter telling her how his heart quavers like the West African  tom tom drums every time she walks by. And the girl would read it and hide in her desk so she could read it again and giggle silently, then like clockwork she'd do it during class and the teacher would see her, ask for it, and call them both forward and call them little devils and unfocused and failures and everything you can think of in primary school that means you're not going to amount to much in life. Then proceed to cane them to high heavens. See I was a winner in primary school, so I never did any of that. That was for those other mere mortals. I actually remember getting special mention for being the only guy who hasn't yet fallen prey to this evil that is attraction to girls. [not in those exact words] I was proud then. I'm not so sure now. I think that attitude that I developed then set me back some.

I have a friend now who used to be someone completely different when he was in high school. He's the guy that never went to any class on time. He was huge. He had a afro. Played rugby. Snuck out of school and went to clubs. Watched racy movies on the school library TV at midnight. He's the one every girl would gravitate towards during functions because he had such interesting stories to tell. He was the cool guy. He was the bane of everyone-in-authority's existence, but he was the idol of every other person (namely the rest of the students). So he had some tough times. Got suspended. Went to jail a little bit. Clashed with his parents. But still made it through high school in one piece. And then later on got serious about life and became like me. Became the person I've always been. I listen to him speaking now and he's been through so much that I think he's got a much stronger composition than I have. He sounds like he's a hundred years old and he's only my age. I sound like that too sometimes, but it's coz I watch TV and read. He's been there. He's literally seen it all. And he's still standing. So I'm wondering if the bubble I lived in left me weak. I seem strong. I seem like I'm doing well. But truth is I've never really had to stand against any adversity. How would I fare? He'd definitely eat it all up and get up the next morning for more. Would I?

How many moments do you have in your life that you can look back on and say "That's when it all changed." Do you even have any? I'm not sure I do. I think when I was 12, you could look at me and predict where I'd be when I was 22, and you'd more likely than not be right. Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. My life's trajectory has probably been constant because it's never had to change. God's been good to me all my life. I'm not sure I'd want it any other way. But Bill Gates says success is a lousy teacher; it seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose. "I failed at some subjects in college. My friend got everything right. He's now an engineer at Microsoft." So I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't been so successful the first time round; if I had been the cool guy instead of the smart guy, would I be a different person right now? Have I missed out on any larger purpose?

END

remember to call at my grave

"Being black is not a matter of skin pigmentation. Being black is a reflection of a mental attitude." Steve Biko

A lot of things changed for me when I moved here. Two things, however, stood out more than anything else: how rooted in their culture the black people here are, and how sensitive the issue of race is. 

The latter I totally didn't understand. I looked around and saw people in their 20's, people who don't have the same story Mandela has, or even Raymond Suttner, decry apartheid and how the white person ruined their lives, and I belittled in my mind these people, because from where I stood, they were just using past injustices as an excuse to be mediocre. They weren't old enough to see the worst of what apartheid did. By 1990 they were maybe 3 or 4. They shouldn't know about apartheid. Yes it happened, but it happened a hundred years ago and it happened to different people. I heard black people complain about how the ANC (the "black" party) was no longer doing anything for them, but come elections, they still automatically vote ANC. And I stupidly thought, if you know the DA (a "white" party) would do do a better job, why not vote them in? This interracial animosity I sensed everywhere was totally unfounded, I thought.

I've seen enough now to know the error of my ways. How naive I was. I couldn't possibly have been wrong on more levels.

As I've looked at the history, through a combination of stories from the older ones amongst us, visits to the Apartheid Museum, and countless documentaries on TV, I've started to find that the fundamental mistake I made was to judge a situation I had no insight into, and to judge it through my very narrow scope. I have started to realise that there isn't a limit to how much damage mentally oppression can cause someone. When you grow up and everyone around you tells you you won't amount to much, that you'll never be any better than you currently are, that you can't rise above a certain level, that you're systemically inferior and not worthy of a good life, I guess you believe it. Those limitations become the fabric of your thought. Your glass ceiling becomes a granite wall. You stop dreaming. There's not many things in the world more damaging than seeing your life stolen from under you and being completely powerless to do anything about it. 

One of the pictures I saw at the Apartheid Museum that killed me was of a train station, with I think a train waiting, and there was a whole bunch of black people standing on the one side crowding, obviously looking for transport, but because the station was marked "FOR WHITES ONLY" there was nothing they could do but stand out in the cold. And the caption read something like, despite the fact that there weren't any fences or police presence enforcing segregation at the station, those black people could not even conceive of crossing over to go into the train waiting. That's how strongly imbued into their minds the apartheid system was. The fences were now in the minds of the black people, there didn't need to be any physical ones.

And this is the thing that made me least qualified to judge - I've never had that feeling of being trapped within my own mind. Being shackled by invisible chains. The kind you can't break not because you really can't, but because you don't know that you can. I grew up believing I could have it all. I grew up with that sense of entitlement. My parents made sure they were there every step of the way, supporting me, making me feel like I was superman. To some measure I've seen people's hard work pay off for them. I've even seen a determined people change their government just because they came together. The black people of South Africa, they didn't have that for a very long time. Steve Biko said the most powerful weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.

When I was growing up, I read about Rosa Parks refusing to stand up for a white person on a bus. And to me that was literally all she did. It sounded simple enough. I didn't get what all the hoo-hah was about. But I realise now that to the people that know, there aren't enough words to describe the symbolism, the empowerment, that came from such a basic act. And from a natural act like Nelson Mandela unconditionally forgiving his former oppressors after 27 years in jail. I am beginning to understand now why he is such a legend. Not just because he forgave, but because of WHO he forgave. There's a phrase that plays in a loop at the Apartheid Museum, a recording from the conclusion of the Rivonia Trial, at which Mandela and his cohorts were to be found guilty of treason and possibly sentenced to death. I have not been able to get this line out of my mind since I heard it.

I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons will live together in harmony with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for, and to see realised. But my Lord, if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

And so I don't judge anymore. I don't judge because I cannot possibly understand. I don't judge because I've never been through what the people in SA went through. On the contrary, I marvel sometimes at how grounded it's made them. At how fiercely strong they've grown to be in the face of such adversity. At how being black has to them become something much more than just the skin color it is to me. If I can learn that from the, I will leave here having become a much better person than I came in.

Sarah Britten is a modern-day writer of note, and she wrote a story recently that covers just this subject. She said, "...we seem incapable of resolving conflict without resorting to racist generalisations. Somehow, if we see bad behaviour, we immediately attribute it to race rather than a failure of character; every time somebody behaves like a total doos [dumbass], the entire premise of post-apartheid South Africa goes on trial..." The first time I read it I agreed completely. I felt as though she had read my mind. But when I think about it, I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe race keeps coming up, and will continue to keep coming up, because it's just that big a deal. Maybe it keeps coming up because those wounds just run that deep.

END

don't dream it's over

What do you choose when you have to choose between doing what you love and doing what works just to bring the bacon home?

I've been lucky on very many fronts through my life. But what I think is one of the biggest ways I've been blest is I've never had an eclectic passion that was shared by maybe three other people in Herzegovina. Everything I've loved doing has been something you can make a sustainable living out of. I've never had to choose to do a job just because I was getting paid to do it. Granted, it's still quite early in my life relatively, but I like the path I'm on. If the trajectory goes on this way, in 15 years I'll still love what I'll be doing.

The same cannot be said for certain people in my life.

I know a guy who loved music. Loved it with all his heart. He worked hard and cultivated great skill at it. He had natural talent so  it was never very difficult for him. He could write music. He could play any instrument you gave him. He could accompany any song by ear, never having heard it before. He wanted nothing but to do it for the rest of his life. But alas, he was born in the wrong country, at the wrong time, perhaps with the wrong vision. See he saw a world where all he would have to do would be to play what he loves playing, and every other piece of his life would fall in its rightful place. But that's not the way life goes.

And so he made some bad choices. Took some wrong turns. Got involved with the wrong kinds of people. Lied and cheated his way to hide misstep after misstep. Used and discarded anyone that wasn't wise to his act. Alienated the two people that loved him more than anyone else in the world. But through all this, the music was never touched. The music stayed constant. The music was always his beacon back to the light. It was always the moment when he really came alive. One day, his house of cards came crumbling down. Everything he had done, or not done, became clear. And he had nothing left to fall back on. The talent, as it rapidly became apparent, was just not enough. Passion wasn't the be all end all he'd been led [perhaps by the movies] to believe.

So he had to make a choice. Continue to follow his heart [to destruction], or follow the well beaten path. Go to school like everyone else. Get an education like everyone else. Get a job, like everyone else. I heard how broken he was by the time he came to this realization. How resigned he seemed. Like life didn't mean anything anymore. Dreams are powerful things, everyone says. But no one ever thinks about how dire the effect is of having to lose one. We only know of how powerful they are when they come true.

When you turn on the TV, or you watch movies, or you read magazines, all you hear about is how Justin Bieber's mum posted random videos on Youtube that Scooter Braun just happened to watch. Or how Mark Zuckerberg was just goofing around in his dorm when he ended up with a 800 million member juggernaut called Facebook. Or how Barack Obama really just wanted to make his community a better place, and he became the most powerful man in the world. No one ever tells you that for every one person like that, there's a million others who've tried and failed. A million others who were sometimes just a little better, only in the wrong place. A million others who were broken by life. Who lost hope along the way. Who somewhat paved the way for these ones who would come later to succeed. Who die just a little inside every time they have to look and see what could have been.

No one ever tells you how it kills the people that love them to watch them self destruct like this.

Anyway, he's now at the beginning of this new path. He's gone back to the drawing board and he's starting over again. Making practical choices this time. Doing everything by the book, hopefully. Maybe this time around, the fates will smile on him and he'll succeed. I hope so. With all my heart I hope so.

Remember when you were still a kid?  When storks delivered the babies and passions weren't so strong ...when recess was too short and life was too long...when decisions came easily without the need to belong...when friendships were un-broken...when right was right, and wrong was wrong...when bad things didn't happen...when the fun went on forever and never left a broken heart...when dreams were un-shattered and worries were few? But we had to go and grow up. Growing up is about losing things. It's about leaving things behind. It's kinda sad, really, when you think about it. Because one's never as alive as they are when they're young. The hardest thing about growing up is that you always have to do what's right; even if it means breaking someone's heart, including your own.

END

as time goes by

Albert Camus once wrote, "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you continue looking for the meaning of life."

So then how are we supposed to know we're happy if we don't know what happy looks like? And how are we supposed to know that if we don't look for the meaning of happiness? Or maybe this is what they meant when they said ignorance is bliss, that not knowing IS what happiness is? Anyway.

My life's changed so massively in the last three months, I can't even begin to explain. Some awesome, some not so much. I went from a place in my job where I was beginning to get uncertain what exactly I was going to show for all my work at the end of the year, coz my company is all about tangible results not really effort, to now actually having a few projects I can talk about. I went from being that guy in the department everyone was glad to have around because of my smart mouth to that guy who was always the scapegoat whenever anything went wrong because of my smart mouth (this was more coz of one person, but it's one of those things like that tiny hole in the bottom that sank the Titanic). I went from not knowing what to do with my Saturdays to now wishing there was three extra hours everyday because I just can't cram everything within the current time. I went from being that guy who was so fanatical about fitness I'd go to the gym at 9PM to being the guy who wouldn't even go on half-day weekdays because I think life's already tough enough. I went from being the guy who'd read a book a week to being the guy who's started 5 different books and not finished one of them because I don't seem to put as much stock in reading any more. I went from just getting by to being the happiest person in the world to being the saddest person in the world, and then did it all again the following week. And yes, as with all things of this nature, it all started with a girl.

I've learned that living takes so much more effort than we think it does, or should. And that if we don't exert that effort now, we're going to wake up when we're forty and wonder where the last 20 years went. I've learned that with someone to lean on, it's not that hard to get back up every single time you fall. I've learned that music and time really can make everything look better again. I've learned that fatherhood doesn't come naturally; not everyone's cut out to be one. I've learned that women are strong, stronger than us, I think. They can survive anything, they can face down life's hardest storms better than we can, but before they decide what color belt they'd like to buy, a whole bunch of kids have usually cleared high school. I've learned that taking the high road's not always the easiest thing, and, besides motherhood, may be the most thankless job in the world.

And I've learned that happiness really only does happen one day at a time. When I look back in 10 years, I probably won't be able to tell when exactly it all turned around for me, but I will know that for last 10 years, I've been happy. So I'm taking it as it comes. I'm not over-thinking everything. I've stopped looking gift horses in the mouth. I'm accepting all the little victories prima facie and overcoming minor hurdles one after the other and letting it all build up to one big (hopefully positive) picture. As I get older, I'm finding more and more that there's never a crisis that's still a crisis tomorrow. Maturity then must really be about recognising when it's tomorrow already and it's time to move on.

So I'm making this promise to myself

To think only the best, to work only for the best, 
and to expect only the best. 
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others 
as you are about your own. 

To forget the mistakes of the past 
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side 
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

I'm going to try and be like Albert Camus. I'm going to just live and let live.

END

every song tells a story

So I must be moving up in the world, coz I went to the orchestra and I found it very interesting. And this time, not in the least bit because this conductor was one of the more flamboyant ones - I swear he was jigging it up so much on stage you'd a thought it was a waltz recital instead. But he was also a hundred years old so I guess by then you have enough moral authority that you can do whatever you want and no one's gonna think it odd. It reminded me of this guy they brought to our half-annual office event in February, calls himself The Silent Conductor.

Basically he gave everyone a different kind of percussion instrument (pipes that when hit produce a different pitched sound based on color) and then he'd demonstrate what he wants the reds to do, they do it and he shows the blues something else then the greens something else and so on. Then occasionally he'd change the rhythm for one color, and before we knew it, we were making music. Not a single word uttered. Not a single rehearsal gone through. We just came in, followed the leader, and made beautiful music. Steve just such energy, brought such zest to the stage, you couldn't help but be blown away and chime along. Even the naysayers and skeptics, after waiting around for about 10 minutes and seeing everyone else get into the grove, decided to join in.

We were apparently supposed to draw these deep parallels between our company and an orchestra and the conductor and the lead team. There was a debrief session immediately after Steve finished just to make sure we had. See a company is exactly like an orchestra - the different people doing different things are like the members of the orchestra playing different instruments. They read off different scores and even play at different times, sometimes together, sometimes solos, but in the grand scheme of things, it's one song that we the audience are listening to. Just like in our company - different people from different departments doing different things but in the end all putting out the same brilliant products. All touching lives, improving life. And that should have made us start functioning together better as teams.

Anyway, I was just struck by the simplicity of this Silent Conductor. He's built an entire career out of the simplest of things - little straw pipes that produce different sounds when struck. And he doesn't need to appear like a sage because he doesn't actually say anything. You guys come to the conclusions he wants all by yourselves. Now that's what I call brilliance.

END

face down in the right town

In the space of about two weeks, the two weeks just before I came to Switzerland, three things happened to me that stood out more than anything else. Well, one other thing happened but that's the subject of a whole other story: the person I was living with and me went on collision course because of something completely stupid but since we're both hard heads it became a deep-seated issue and I ended up feeling like I was being driven out so I left his house. So for about a day I was homeless again. But I digress.

So there I was, standing outside San Burners waiting for my takeaway to be brought, late one evening on my way home when suddenly a little girl comes up to me begging. So obviously I throw her out, coz that's our natural reaction. But this time I kept observing her, and every person who walked up or down she approached, and like clockwork they all sent her away. No exceptions. But everytime someone new came through she was right there begging for a shilling or whatever. All this rejection, I can't even begin to imagine what it does to someone's psyche. Because this was about 8 o'clock and I'm guessing she'd been doing this all day. And since she was about seven maybe she'd been there for like two years. And I'm thinking I start to doubt myself when I hear No just once. Imagine what it must be like when it becomes the fabric your life's made of.

And then some other day I was too early for my pickup, so as I stood there waiting for him to come one of those guys who pushes carts came and somehow decided to rest just in front of the stop I was standing at. His shoes were full of holes, as were the rest of his clothes. He was of course dirty and generally dishevelled, and he was sweating like crazy and panting. Obviously beard unshaved and looking whitish. He was not young. Then his cap fell. And it fell into a puddle of dirty water right next to him. He bent down and picked it up and put it on, mud and everything, as though it was completely normal. And I couldn't help thinking he must have had other dreams at a certain point in his life. Does he have a family? Is there anyone he goes home to? If he were to fall sick, would anyone support him? Judging from the way he looked scary and everything he could just as easily have chosen a life of crime. Might even have paid off better than his current job. But no, here he was trying to make a living whichever way he could find to. He heaved, sighed for like ever, and then picked up his cart full of furniture and went trudging along up the hill. And I swear my heart went with him.

And then yesterday I get a Facebook message from a guy who used to be my friend in primary school but who I literally hadn't seen since I left about 13 years ago. He'd found me on there and we became friends and so he sent that message. Would I be able to help him find a job? Any kind. Due to lack of fees and many other things (I think I heard at some point that their father died, and I'd never actually seen a mother at their place now I think about it) he had only managed to do a marketing diploma after high school, and now it was proving impossible to get placed anywhere. And without anyone to support him or whatever I guess bills were mounting. Now, I'm almost at the very bottom of the foodchain in my company, regardless how glamarous my job sometimes seems, so obviously there's completely nothing I can do except maybe forward job postings I come across. But somehow I doubt that will make him sleep any better at night.

In each of those instances my heart bled for these people. And it's not like any of those scenes was related to the other, it's all just random stuff I notice as I go about my days. Except that each of them brought out vividly a certain harsh reality: but for a twist of fate, I could very easily have been any one of them. I'm not saying I'm better than them, and God knows I haven't done anything particularly deserving of all this grace, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about how blest I am. And guilty also, because I know it shouldn't take me seeing how much worse things could get to thank the Lord for being good to me. But if no one's really perfect then I guess this is one of my imperfections - taking things for granted. Anyway, no matter how I got here, I'm here and I'm completely grateful to God for all He's done for me.

Counted your blessings lately, and thanked Him for them? You should. You never know what tomorrow's gonna bring.

END

the take over, the break's over

If I were to strictly classify my job right now, it would fall under marketing. And previously I was in finance. There's this girl who came to a party with us last month whose dream was to go to the Olympics. Since she was 4. And she finally made it to the last ones in was it Beijing(?) Despite having broken a leg when she was 17 - she's my age. Now, I love this job, even though I've only done it for two months, but I'm wondering if I can say there's anything I've ever wanted to do that I've wanted that steadfastly. When I was a child it was engineering coz that's what my father does, and then I grew up and started reading Fortune and it became investment banker despite the fact that I didn't even know what that was - believe it or not I actually liked the suits back then - and then I started watching The Practice when I moved to Nairobi and I fell in love with law. That must be the longest dream I've had, coz all the way till uni I consistently wanted to be a lawyer and to argue facts and to bang the table when neither the facts nor the law were on my side. As if that wasn't enough, The West Wing came and took over my life a little later and then I go check and guess what all those brilliant people did in uni (except for the president who's an economist) - law. So anyway, I got convinced to change my dream at some point to finance and ended up doing Commerce. And the rest is, so far, history.

So here I am creating brands and shaping product strategy (or something close to that). Starting over is sometimes scary, sometimes a huge risk, sometimes a harbinger to a doomed existence. It wasn't any of those things for me (I guess coz I'm blest...), but it was a completely new beginning. I have to think of myself as a fresh hire now. I have to ask at least a thousand questions, and have to start working out a whole new balance between my [already scanty] life and my work. When people are thinking about what legacy they want to leave behind, they're usually all about one specific thing. There's always one thing they want to stand out, one thing they can be identified by. But I'm thinking no, me I when I'm remembered, I wanna be remembered for all the different accomplishments. I want all of them to be grand, of course, but I want them to be equally grand. And I want them to be various. And it won't matter if they're all work-related.

On the subject of work-life balance, we had lunch with our regional GM day before yesterday. Brilliant guy, btw. Has been with the company for about 20 years. That is A LONG time. Anyway, so we ask him if he'd say he's made any sacrifices in terms of personal life, family on his way up. And he's like no. You spend all your life either studying (first half) or working (second half). Nine, ten hours a day. So anyone who thinks work is not life is crazy. There is no such thing as work/life balance if you're doing something you love to do - they are one and the same thing. I almost died - you know those things people say and they leave you dumbfounded, ya, that was me. I had never thought of it that way, but I completely agree with him. Him and Placido Domingo both. Steinway & Sons is a company that makes designer pianos out of hardwood that cost as much as a small Samoan island. They print a quarterly magazine with updates for people who've bought Steinway in the past. So I got one of them and inside they had a spread with Placido in sideview facing down with a sort of pensive look, holding the conductor's baton, light from the lectern illuminating his face. 

And underneath his picture, the text "Apparently, time off is reserved for those who consider their careers as work." I wouldn't call myself a workaholic per se, but I'd say that I've got love for what I'm doing. I'd even go further and say that right now, I think my career is my life. And I'm happy.

END

faster than the speed of night

Things that take 15 minutes: from home (Mumias) to the next town at 60MPH; Wilco's Less Than You Think; cooking Santa Lucia spaghetti; Martin Luther King, Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech; Andy Warhol's record-setting auction at Christie's; a half-litre tub of ice cream to completely melt at room temperature. Short-lived, fleeting fame is called 15 minutes of fame. It also takes 15 minutes for hijackers to completely clean you out when they jack your car at end month, depending on how far from the bank you live. A friend of mine was jacked last week, and it happened to her exactly that way. They took her just as she was driving into their compound (it seems the watchman let them in) and suddenly she sees two people one with a gun. They get in, drive off with her, first to the bank to get all her cash, then they wait till next day to get the rest, then they went with her very far from town and left her by the streets and went with her car. Because this was week 1, plus the week after Easter weekend, you need to understand that when I say they took everything I mean literally everything. None of her bills was paid, her shopping wasn't done, and she hadn't even paid the rent.

Then the most amazing thing happened - she mentioned it to one or two of her closest friends in the office (and told me too somehow - I have those like large ears and I ask questions) and then it spread through the grapevine, and all of a sudden there was all these people stepping up offering to help. You know, giving cash, in kind, whatever. Everyone was so nice and helpful, right from her landlady giving her an extension on the rent. She never even had to ask, guys were just volunteering. Plus the cops actually found her car in a day. I happened to be with her when she was receiving part of the cash, and I remember exclaiming "Wow, you've got a strong support group!" And I really did think so. Our setup is sort of like a school in the sense that every year they hire many new people so we have lots based on year hired so people are obviously closer with guys their own lot, and she's from the lot two years ahead of mine (but we're still friends) so I may have assumed her lot have organized themselves into a sort of chamma or something and that's where all that stuff is coming from.

What I didn't realise, was that there was no such thing. They were just people helping out another person because they could. Turns out that so called "support group" was really just people like me. So I finally looked for her and asked how I could be of help, and I felt much better after that. All day yesterday I was actually beating myself up over having not gotten it sooner. See I grew up self-sufficient, so while I'm not overly stingy, if someone doesn't ask for something I just go ahead and assume it's coz they don't need it so I don't offer. Or at least I used not to. I'm getting better but some situations clearly still fall through the cracks. She was telling me that thing just started as a joke and she's such a good sport so she was laughing with everyone about it like a day after it happened. She could not have thought the guys were actually being serious until the stuff started trickling in. And I was like, ya, people can surprise you that way sometimes. Truth is, they surprised even me. Human beings have an unyielding capacity for love. Maybe not all of us have, but those that do inspire those of us who don't. And I can only hope that one day I'll reach that place where I'll actually be the one coming up with the initiatives. Where reaching out to a soul in need will be more instinct than the product of prodding and conscience-beating. I heard this as a voiceover on Grey's once, long ago when I was still in school: No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we fight, we fall sometimes. But there's an upside to falling - it's the chance we give our friends to catch us.

END

don't cry baby, it's only a movie

Movies. Our secret escape from reality. The things we turn to to restore our faith in fairy tales, and happy endings and miracles, and fireflies. After you watch your all-time favorite, you always feel just a little bit better. Hell, sometimes you even start to see the sun shining again. And yet, with the exception of the odd twist or two, ever since Bogart captured the world's fantasy with his macho nothing-gets-through persona that melted at the sight of Ingrid Bergman's damsel in distress ("Of all the gin joints in all the cities in all the world, she walked into mine!" - CASABLANCA), or Rhett Butler's stoic self came crumbling down after he found the one woman who could break his heart and she did ("Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" - GONE WITH THE WIND), movies have gotten progressively and steadily closer to reality, so much so that Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump and indies like The Hurt Locker actually enjoy success at the box office, and get Best Picture awards. So why then do we still find we can escape in movies? If they're modelled after our lives, won't they just be as tragic? Why do we still seek comfort there?

I'll tell you why. Because they still have that sensationalism that we can never quite capture in our own lives. They allow us experience anguish with the safety of knowing we're not really going to die, that the meteors aren't really going to crash into earth. They allow us feel joy with the hero/-ine and pain as well without getting emotionally invested. It's like a quick-fix source of those pheromones(?) that go straight to our heads and make us feel better. They allow us to identify with other people in situations like ours, sometimes worse than ours, and therefore let us know we're not alone. Let's face it, no matter how real and life size movies get, they'll always be cathartic. Don't you get a tingle in your spine every time you hear that -"I WANT THE TRUTH!" -"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" exchange from A Few Good Men? Doesn't it just break your heart when Jack dies in Titanic, or when Creasy goes up to offer himself in exchange for the girl in Man on Fire? Or at the end of Nick Cassavettes' major crier, The Notebook, when you discover that, OMG, she really did get Alzheimer's, and he really was reading to her out of a notebook she wrote a hundred years ago chronicling their lives.

Doesn't it make you swell with pride about the humanity in people when you see Goldblum and Will Smith go up there to take on the aliens from Independence Day; or when the ship full of ex-cons is the first one to throw out the Joker's detonator meant to destroy the other ship in The Dark Knight; or when Bruce Willis and his men selflessly go above and beyond their call of duty to take on the entire Nigerian army in defence of the weak Ibo people just because it was the right thing to do (Tears of the Sun); or when the country leaders elect to open the doors to the Arks to let in all the riff raff who couldn't afford the $1BN ticket price because it would be inhuman to condemn them to die as they watch in 2012; or even in less grandiose scenes, like when Brad Pitt jumped in the way when he thought that guy was going to shoot his father (Legends of the Fall); or when Batman decides to take the fall for 2-Face and puts himself on the line just so he can give the people a genuine hero they can believe in (The Dark Knight). These movies show us that people are inherently good, and that given the choice, even the hardest of bandits will sometimes do the right thing. That in the fight against tyranny, in the fight for survival, we all stand together. No sacrifice is too great. In A Few Good Men, after the jury exonorated the two privates, and yet the judge still dishonourably discharged them, one was like "Hal, what did we do wrong?? We did nothing wrong!!" and then Hal answered, "Yea we did. We were supposed to fight for people who couldn't fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willy."

Then there are movies like Hustle and Flow. About persistence. About never giving up the dream, always believing that one day your break will come, and when it comes, leaping into the deep without a net and taking advantage of it. And those about overcoming less-than-fortuitous circumstances and rising above, like The Freedom Writers, Remember The Titans, Mona Lisa Smile. Then there are those feel-good romantic comedies that you enjoy and then forget about, like The Proposal, or Speed, or The Lakehouse (huh, that's odd, they all have Sandra Bullock in them) or Definitely, Maybe, or Pretty Woman. Then there are those fantasy-based movies that show us an alternate universe but still aim to drive home the point about courage, the biggest ones here of course being Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and most recently (!) Avatar. There was a point in Hustle & Flow when DJay got confronted about lying about knowing Skinny (Ludacris), and he said Shug's baby had a whore for a mother and a random trick for a father, but one day was going to walk up to him and ask him if she could be president. "You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna look that girl in the eye, and I'm gonna lie. Because everyone deserves to have a dream."

I don't think we escape to movies because we're hiding our heads in the sand, no. I think we do it because it offers reprieve for the tired soul. I think we do it because every once in a while everyone deserves to take a break. I think we do it because in the process sometimes we even learn new things. Seeing the world through the eyes of another person, that expands our horizons. Movies allow us to go places we wouldn't otherwise have gone, enjoy experiences we wouldn't otherwise have enjoyed. They show us that even the worst of situations can actually be turned around for the best. And in so doing, they restore our faith in the world. Yes they're just movies, but sometimes they strengthen our resolve to face tomorrow.

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absence of purpose in the succession of events

I met a guy over the weekend, nice guy, called Ian. He's a preacher, preaches mostly in prison, but is part of a church that rents a hall some place in Ngara. This guy talked a good game about purpose, place in life, wealth and the importance of money (or lack thereof) and destiny. Of course, being a pastor, there were little bits thrown in there about God and being christian and walking by faith. He's a bit of a motivator so there was also a bit about role models and how they impact the people that follow them. See, Ian is a rich guy, by anyone's standards. If he's as good as his word, and I think he is, he owns the houses one of which he'd hired out to us (like nine in all) in an exclusive area, houses that made even me oooohh and aaaaahh. Lives in one and hires out the rest to people who want to stay here for short spans of time but don't want to do the hotel thing coz of that homely feel. Did the interior design all by himself ("You see I believe everyone is born with some art in him. You don't go to the interior designer with an empty space and tell him to decorate it, you tell him exactly what you want done and in the process of realizing it, he adds his own flair to make it better.") and it looks GOOD! Seems like he's always on the lookout for people whose lives he can change, as all good preachers should be ;)

Ian struck me as the kind of guy who's really big on purpose. Passion. "Everyone was created with a specific spot into which they were meant to fit. Find what it is you were meant to do, you won't have to compete with anyone there. No one can do your bidding better than you can." Told us about one of his tenants whom he knows runs a commodities trading website or shizznit like that, has only one customer, works only four hours a day, and still makes almost as much money as my employer (who has us work like 100 hours a week!). Told us this other story about himself, about how he loves organizing and planning for conferences, so much so that he can do it in his sleep, but his wife, who went to school for that and is a professional, would need a week, coz there's no passion there. He's a preacher, so he works just one day a week (Sunday, all you atheists! :), and still gets enough zest in that one day of work to keep him through the rest of the week. Used also the example of musicians. They do like two shows a month, and the rest of the time is spent preparing for the next outing. The thing they have in common: passion. It matters not how much, or little, time you spend at something. You don't even need to love what you do, apparently, you just need to have a passion for it.

On faith, he told us how he originally got those houses he owns. One day he drove down Gitanga Road, turned into Hatheru, stopped at the black gate, and there was a guy standing out there. Asked the guy if there were any houses available. The guy bent over (Ian was in a "small" car - as we found out later, a C200) and told him, "Inside here there's YOUR house." Guy walks him in, shows it to him and all he needed to see was the basement, and he told the guy to seal it and consider it bought. Ian's net worth at the time: KShs. 2,000. Faith. When you hear God talk to you through other people, do you heed? Do you follow through? Or do you start second-guessing and walk away, thinking when the deal is too good...(?) The things you study, the things you follow others into, those have nothing to do with what you're meant to end up doing. What did you maker create you for? Where does your maker intend that you go? Those are the important questions.

It really could just be me, but have you ever noticed that the only people who say money isn't important in life are people who already have money? I guarantee you, you'll be hard-pressed to find a clerical level government employee tell you how he values things like family, friendship, love, belief in Christ. In the end, it always comes down to the mortgage. Ian is one of those people. Thinks very little of money. Has massive disdain for the rat race, keeping up with the Joneses. See, he believes there's as many places to fit in in the world as there are people. Ian doesn't dissect projects and ventures to death. When he feels himself being steered left, he turns and goes left. Doesn't care how everyone else who went there has done, if it's his time, God's gonna see to it that he succeeds. Or, if he gets into a ditch, well, you live, you learn. Picks right back up and starts over. He oozes success, you know, the kind of person for whom it's worked out more often than it hasn't. Confidence.

All in all, the one thing you cannot fail to pick up on when you talk to this guy is purpose. And passion. Find out what it is you're meant to do, and pour your all into it. Don't necessarily follow the well-beaten path. When you find your ordained purpose, all these other things shall come. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God," says Ian, and also the Bible. Anyway, like I said, I've been noticing a lot that the only people who think like he does are people who already have money. Faith is a really easy thing to have in hindsight. It's when you're heading into the dark that your faith really gets tested. It could just be one of those unexplainable coincidences, but you've gotta agree with me; you tend to speak with a lot more conviction when you're saying, "I tried this and this is what came of it," than when you're saying, "I'm going to try this and this is what will come of it," right? Riiight...?

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which to bury, us or the hatchet

So that ICC prosecutor shows up and all of a sudden all of the wounds of two years ago come rushing back to the forefront. Yesterday on News they showed a man who during the now infamous PEV hid in a bush as bandits burned his house down - his family inside it. He listened helplessly first as they desperately screamed, then as their screams slowly started to fade, turned into chokes, until there was deathly silence. You never forget that kind of thing. You never get over the day you hear your loved ones burn to death. You never forgive yourself for being unable to do anything about it. You never get over the fact that they (or you) had done nothing to deserve it, except try to eke out a peaceful living, and that whoever perpetrated the crime rises and sleeps in the knowledge that such a thing will probably never happen to them. One day you'll just be walking, going about your business, and then you'll hear that song play that your baby used to like singing or you'll smell your wife's scent on a random person in the street, or maybe just the smell of smoke, and  it's gonna hit you like a tidal wave. Forgiveness sounds like a very noble concept in theory, but you never forgive these people, because the pain never really goes away.

The depth of the human soul is an interesting thing. Impressions that take seconds to form can take a lifetime to wipe out. Remember that time you were a kid and your neighbour came with lollipops and gave everyone else and skipped you? because earlier in the day you'd refused to share your juice with them? That's how early the vengeful spirit is implanted in us. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. From then as we get older the stakes only get  higher, so the feeling only grows deeper. We define justice as nothing short of revenge. And people like St. Augustine [who was actually a Christian theologian btw] don't help any - he's the guy who says an unjust law is no law at all. We read and we find out that revenge is actually a legal principle (the law of retaliation under retributive justice - reciprocity should be equal to the crime: "life for life, wound for wound, stripe for stripe").  It's seemingly in the constitution, so how can it possibly be wrong? 

But even then, the supremacy of the individual being posited by such scholars as Henry David Thoreau - "Any man more right than his neighbours constitutes a majority of one." - a concept whose most horrific representation became Adolf Hitler, tends to vindicate us when we harbor such [for want of a more extreme term] ill feelings towards others. It's not as if we need anyone else to validate our dark desires, after all, they haven't been through what we have, have they? No one can understand our loss, so what qualifies them to pass judgement? But as if to add fuel to a fire that's already burning, here comes the law telling you you're actually right in demanding for that head on a plate. How can you not?

Louis Moreno-Ocampo is just one man. The quest for justice runs deeper than can be imagined by any of us. It's probably gonna take more than just him, and more than just one investigation cycle, to set matters right. But, that said, seeing to it that those guilty are made to face up to their crimes seems as good a first step as any. I haven't lost anything/one worth dying over, so I can't speak intelligently on the subject, but the guy on TV was saying if he can't get his family back, then at least he'd like to be able to see the people who took them away be brought to book. He will not be content with the matter just resting like that. All he wants is to know that yes he's suffering, but so are the people who ruined his life. And that's why this ICC prosecutor's coming is so monumental. Ocampo is just one man, but he represents a larger, more deep-seated principle. Revenge. Retribution. Justice. Where does one end and the other begin?

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