sometimes you can't make it on your own

Friendships are hard. Relationships are even harder. Marriages should actually come with the NIH sign [Not Invented Here]. I've always wondered why. It should be one of life's great paradoxes - that man was actually created with fellowship in mind, and yet finds it the hardest to relate with his own kind. Of course if you believe in evolution then understanding this shouldn't really be a problem for you, you know, coz of the whole natural selection thing... But that aside, there seems to be a plethora of explanations out there for why interaction is so hard between people. Out of sight, out of mind. People always leave. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. You never miss the water till the well runs dry. In fact, Allan Pease (is that his name? I forget) has a whole series on the two genders: Why men don't listen and women women can't read maps, Why men don't have a clue and women always need more shoes, Why men lie and women cry, Why men can only do one thing at a time and women don't stop talking, or Why he's so last minute and she's got it all wrapped up. The list is long. It's like everywhere you turn in this arduous journey of life you find a shaded resting place with a couch, a cool drink and a pamphlet listing 27 reasons why you're better off on your own.

Are we really? I was privileged to go to Starehe for high school. Now as far as associations and disparities go, it doesn't get bigger than Starehe. That school has like a thousand students. Literally. The whole brotherhood theme is so hammered it's like it's up there on the list [of priorities] and academic success comes a close second. We all live in the same rooms - prefects, captains, high schoolers and collegers. There is no such thing as bullying. We eat at the same tables (most of us anyway). We live by the same rules (although here I should probably add seemingly). We don't put on the same uniform, but the times when it needs to be on are the same for everyone. We are taught to share, to depend on one another, morally, mentally and physically. We are taught that the differences we see are only superficial, and that deep down inside, we're all the same. That when the game ends the king and the pawn all go back to the same square. That we're all the same color once you turn out the light. But best of all, after all this education is done, the final decision to relate is left up to the individual. No one gets forced or otherwise compelled. Those who want to be snobs can actually be snobs, and the social bees can do their thing. So if you leave the school having learnt anything, it will be because you chose to, and those are the lessons that stay with us for a lifetime. It was in Starehe that I first heard the long version of no man is an island: No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main...Therefore send not to find out for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. (or something like that)

I think mostly the thing we're afraid of in relationships, is the possibility of getting hurt. Apparently if you don't expect anything you don't get disappointed. While they last, judging by consensus, relationships and friendships are the isht. But when they end, there are few feelings that are worse. I guess they called it a heartbreak for a reason. It would seem then that every song's gotta end some time, but is that reason not to enjoy the music? It could also be a question of misplaced priorities. In today's world, money seems to be that answer to all of life's problems. Get enough of it and there's really nothing, or no one, else you need. That those who say money cannot buy you happiness don't know where to shop. The American actor Groucho Marx once implored the Good Lord, "All I want, God, is a chance to find out for myself if money really doesn't buy happiness." Modern society even has a skewed view of family - father, mother and children. Strictly. These days we don't so much live together as simply coexist. We're all just victims of circumstance in where we find ourselves. Is it us? Are we our own worst enemy? George Bernard Shaw may have been right:

As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better - money, popularity, fame - we ignore what truly matters. The simple things. Like friendship, family, and love. The things we probably already had.

END

boulevard of broken dreams

I got turned down recently at a job interview. I assume so coz they didn't get back to me like they said they would. But that wasn't my last hope so I'm still ploughing on as I know best. This is about the third time that's happened to me so far, and it's really been eye opening, I like to think. I'd like to believe that I'm learning new things every day from all these missteps. Coz otherwise then it will all have been for nothing, and that is not a particularly awe-inspiring prospect. We learn from failure I guess that the world doesn't begin and end with us. We learn that life doesn't stop. We learn that when one door closes, if we look carefully we'll find that another one opened. And most importantly we learn to believe in a higher power, coz it would appear that we did everything we could and somehow still didn't make it. That our best wasn't good enough. It's supposed to teach us perseverance. If it doesn't kill us it's supposed to make us stronger. It's supposed to stretch our limits, and make us discover heights we can reach we didn't think possible. And when we finally do succeed, and find that the success is even greater coming at the time it did rather than earlier on, it's supposed to show us in hindsight that all things really do work together for good for those that love Him.

Failure tests our faith. Our resolve. How badly do you want something? You never really realise that until fate tells you you can't have it. Then you get to find out just how far you'll go to get it. You also get to find out that it's never all going to be in your hands. You'll always have to leave something - however small - to chance. I was watching Prison Break way back when, and Scoffield said something I found interesting - preparation can only get you so far, then you have to take some leaps of faith. And this was a guy who didn't even empty the trash without it being some part of a grand plan! If because we failed once we become afraid to try again, to take a chance on life, then we shall truly have failed. Otherwise it's all education, not failure per se. I find that success isn't about never falling. It's about rising up one time more than however many times you fall. It's starting from scratch and keeping on scratching. "...If you can make a heap of all your winnings/And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss/And lose, and start again at your beginnings/And never breathe a word about your loss/..." goes that Rudyard Kipling poem.

The older I get, the more I realize that dreams don't always come true. Occasionally dreams get replaced by even greater ones. And at other times they just die. And it's all ok. That is as it should be. One does not always become less of a person for letting go. One isn't less worthy for changing course. If we always got everything we asked for when we asked for it, I think we'd become ungrateful. We'd start to take things for granted. Sometimes loss teaches us to value things more. You try and you fail and you try and you fail so that when you finally do succeed, you can truly appreciate the grandeur of it all. You can take a step back and take stock of all your efforts and treasure your achievements.

Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can touch you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you have all these plans. Big plans. To become this successful person. To find your perfect match, the one that completes you. To write the great novel. To invent something new. But as you get older you realise it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realise the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward, you simply wanna believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You wanna believe that you're leaving something good behind. A legacy. You want it all to have mattered.

END