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Christmas. It comes every once a year, at the end of the year. That Pope Gregory (as in Gregorian Calendar) must have been extremely intelligent, because he had this date set to coincide with the end of the year, so that it's really like a double-whammy of celebrations - Christmas itself and the start of a new year. So for that whole week and sometimes even the one before companies close down (not mine though, they'd much rather all working days were spent, well, working) and send all their employees shopping with gift vouchers and spending bonuses (again, mine excluded), which makes sense because every retailer has those year-end sales going on. And we all send all those tu-little messages about the holiday cheer, starting over, hope for the new year, and we overwhelm the network so for two hours on 23rd, 24th and 25th, and then again on 30th and 31st it doesn't work very well. Of course, since we have that whole local tourism thing going half the country goes to Coast and Naivasha, and bus companies take it upon themselves to recoup all those mid-year losses during the one season people MUST travel by tripling fares and going long-distance routes they're not equipped to just because people are too desperate to care. And then there are our finest, the traffic police. Wanting their form of the holiday bonus, they stop every car they can and ask for the one thing they know they won't find (light flare, first aid kit, life savers...), and when they don't find it, well, we all know what goes down. And the malls set up these vibrant arrays of christmas lights all over their premises trying each to outdo the other with the latest designs (for the record this year I think The Junction won that battle - although I didn't get to see Village Market), so KPLC do the only natural thing they can - re-route all residential power to said malls to handle the new load coz they think they'll make more money there than at home where there's probably only one light on, resulting in power cuts at the most inconveniencing of times. But it always comes back so that's not all bad. And the artists (term used very loosely), they're a special group: they all find a popular hang-out joint, attach themselves to its hip, peddling the hottest christmas gigs (one wonders what Keroro and Banjuka have to do with christmas, but what can one say, apparently "Kenya hukuwa hip hop nation, kila Friday huwa ni vacation") with the most outstanding dancers and the loudest DJ and the hippest crowd, for Shs. 700 at the gate and Shs. 600 advance. And the party don't stop till 8 in the morning... I much prefer the Nairobi Music Society's outing, first because I'm not a fan of rap and other senseless genge and dancehall etc, then because it actually takes on a Chrismas-y theme - they do carols and Handel's Messiah and stuff - and then it doesn't happen on the actual day - they do it like a weekend before so you can be with your people.
Anyway, this particular year the holidays for me didn't hold a lot of promise at the start. There was that whole thing of the day losing its magic that holiday I watched Titanic of course, but even then, there had always been the family, the celebrations, the exotic food, the odd relative or two, and the almighty christmas tree. Draped with candy and stuff. And miles and miles of crepe paper interleaved in different colors. This year I couldn't go home because of one Sudan trip coming up next week (booooo!). So I had to find a surrogate family to celebrate with. As it turns out, the one I chose ended up being pretty wicked. Twas some other aunt of mine in Komarock. I mean, yes, they had no christmas tree, there were no christmas gifts, or carols, or dressing up. But I used to live with them once in a past life, and I hadn't been there in forever, so the memories were priceless. House and the people hadn't changed one bit. And my little brother also came coz his concert fell through and he was sane for a change and we hung out and it was fun. He's actually a very personable guy when he's not having one of his emotional meltdowns. And I got to super-diss my cousins and we watched movies and ate popcorn which is like a trademarked thing for that house (I swear they pop corn by the sackload). And while it could always have been better because I could have been at home, with my parents, and a christmas tree, this was the week I watched Avatar. How can I not stand in awe? OMG, James Cameron is a demigod!! Everything considered, this holiday actually was as good as it gets. Especially the part about my brother being sober. I hope he stays that way for a long time, like for the rest of his life. Yes. Once every year, at the end of the year, the holidays come. And we eat, and we laugh, and we drink, and we chat and we go places we wouldn't otherwise go. And then, just like that, they're gone. But they leave us with a certain exuberance. A bright feeling we wouldn't otherwise have. Maybe the magic isn't really in the day itself, maybe the magic is in the air that comes with the day. Even the Grinch, having stolen everything he could, finally realized that: "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more." Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.
END
...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning...
Happiness must be the most frustratingly difficult thing to get a handle on, no? I think so. And not because it's truly elusive, no, but because it's supposed to be that easy. The sun comes up in the morning and everything is supposed to be ay-ok. We're supposed to look at it and thank the Lord for a new day, and go about making a difference like we should have been in the first place. There's nothing required on our part, just to wake up and open our eyes. And yet this couldn't be further from actual reality. The sun's rising is not as carthatic as it's held out to be. In fact far from it. Everyone wakes up with a groan. The new day does not herald new beginnings like we're taught it should. We wake up and its back to the same old drab ways. We do the same things we did yesterday, complain about the same situations, and the sun goes down at the same time, and joy does not come in the morning. You know that ancient Greek story about Atlas and the way Zeus banished him to forever carry the world on his shoulders - literally - well, we seem to all have taken Atlas' burden upon ours. We behave as though if we took a small break the world will fall apart at the seams, right across the board - from the CEO to the guy that cleans the toilets. When it comes to being happy, are we our own worst enemy?
I know I am. It's more I'm a victim of the system than of myself, but really, I put myself in that system. When you do what I do you won't believe how few the days between Easter and Christmas are. And you'll just wake up suddenly one day and find that you're 33 and you can't remember where the 10 years between uni and then went, and you'll have nothing to show for it, except maybe a stellar career. The pressure is such a rush, and I know I complain a lot but with time you actually get addicted to the adrenaline and the deadlines. You become a complete slave of the environment, and you want out, but you can't imagine a world without that feeling that I have to get up today or the world's gonna collapse. Telling you to slow down becomes like telling Jack Bauer to take a desk job.
Im thinking part of it must be our inability to see the future. That makes it possible for us to rationalize to ourselves that tomorrow is going to be a better day. And even if it's not, the pressure will ease up next year. Or in 3 years. And the 3 years come and go and you find that it's only gotten worse. Every day you take on just a little bit more responsibility and you don't give up any and it builds up over time. And sometimes you don't even like what you do. You do it the way everyone else does it - for the mortgage. And we like to tell ourselves that we're the only one who can do what we do, and so if we weren't there it would all come crumbling down. And so God forbid personal gratification should even come into the mix, the rest of humanity is depending on us. Our kids can wait. Our health can wait. That friend we agreed to meet for coffee and catch up this evening, yea, she can wait too.
So it's Christmas next week, and guess what, I'm going to Sudan - to work. Till January! And not even the town part of Sudan, no, that would be too much like a holiday. Way upcountry. Where people sleep in tents and stuff. I haven't been home in a year, and it didn't use to bother me coz, you know, I've been there since I was born and I was still young and all, but now it does. Maybe I should learn to take my own advice. Slow down, breathe deep. Apparently success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success. We need to learn that we're not alone, there's always gonna be someone to take over. Eragon was the hero in that Inheritance Cycle trilogy, and I like the things he thinks about at times, like towards the end of the book 1:
Oddly, on occasion, I sense a peacefulness within. You would think
that after all I have seen—after all I have suffered—my soul would
be a twisted jumble of stress, confusion, and melancholy. Often,
it’s just that.
But then, there is the peace.
I feel it sometimes, as I do now, staring out over the frozen cliffs
and glass mountains in the still of morning, watching a sunrise
that is so majestic that I know that none shall ever be its match.
If there are prophecies, if there is a Hero of Ages, then my mind
whispers that there must be something directing my path. Something
is watching; something cares. These peaceful whispers tell
me a truth I wish very much to believe.
If I fail, another shall come to finish my work.
END
Why do people grow apart? Ever had a large group of friends at a stage in life, like in school, or when you were living in that old estate, with whom you were so close there was nothing you used to do without one another? And you thought it would be like that for the rest of your lives? But as you got older and people's paths started to diverge you started to realise it was really just the geography holding you all together? That apparently even the strongest of friendships don't survive distance? And everything else in your life became invariably more important that these friends, so that you only noticed they were no longer around on that odd Saturday morning when you'd woken up a little too early and had nothing to do but stare at the roof and reminisce about the good old times? As it happens, I fear that may be happening to one of us. I've had four such groups in my life - one when I was a kid, one in high school and two in uni. Obviously the one for when I was a child died a natural death because that was pre-me becoming a geek and facebook and google wave and also us people moved towns, the one for high school got REALLY dialled back, and the two for uni one's still going strong and one, well...
When someone goes to your wall after five years and writes how it's been forever and how are you doing these days, what are you supposed to answer if that person wasn't just an acquaintance? I usually tell myself if they were really close they wouldn't have to ask that, and then I realise I don't know them that well any more and the whole stones and people living in glass houses thing kicks in, so I just say, "Good, it's been great. Work's killing me though. You?" and she says "Same here," and the countdown begins again for the next five-year interval when we'll check up on each other. Nothing about the lost grandmother, nothing about the recent burglary that left you at square zero, nothing about the decision to go back to school, nothing about finding a new house and moving in, or the break up that obliterated you for a while, or the new baby... we never actually go into all these specifics - all that stuff is just supposed to be covered by the single perfunctory line, "I'm good." Which, if you think about it, is true in a way, coz I mean, we're alive, it could always get worse.
We met recently, my uni group and I, and looking back I could tell the level of association had changed. No one wanted to know serious things about the other. It was just all on the surface - you wanna show interest coz it's been a while and you feel you're supposed to, but not enough that we'll actually talk about something that matters; or something that will require input from me, you know. The rest was all just disses which used to be my thing but seems to be what everyone does best these days. It's safe. And when it's all over we hug goodbye and go under again till the next time we'll run into each other on the streets, probably next year. And later you sit and you ask yourself what new things have I really learned about these people today and you find that you've got nothing. As it happens, you're no longer one another's rocks like you used to be. Everyone went ahead and they moved on. People go through stages and they grow and they change and the world still goes round, so you realise that maybe you should also do the same.
We seem to have gotten this growing apart thing down to a such fine art we don't even have to talk about it or synchronize any more, it just happens. And it affects nothing else in our lives. There's a song, originally by the Carpenters, called The End of The World:
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to the shore
Don't they know, it's the end of the world
Coz you don't love me any more
Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know, it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
If only that was how it worked... Anyway, right now I'm just reminiscing coz I'm idle. I probably won't notice this again till the next random person comes knocking on my profile, asking how I've been doing since we last met in 1999! "Good, really good," I shall answer, "How 'bout you?"
END
