i did it my way

This was a good weekend. A very seminal one. For one thing, I spent it turning 26. I'm now officially a year older, and in may ways much wiser and richer, but in many other ways less happy than I was this time last year. But it's the good kind of unhappy - the kind that comes with having to worry about fancy problems like investments and stuff like life insurance. I guess that usually shows one's station in life is changing. Right now I'm trying to track all the different ways in which I've changed since I last did this, and this time there's not that many. I suppose the older one gets the longer the milestones get too. Despite that, there's really only one thing on my mind: Frank Sinatra.

And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain. 

My friends, I'll say it clear; 

I'll state my case of which I'm certain. 

I've lived a life that's full - 

I've travelled each and every highway. 

And more, much more than this, 

I did it my way. 

Regrets? I've had a few, 

But then again, too few to mention. 

I did what I had to do 

And saw it through without exemption. 

I planned each charted course - 

Each careful step along the byway, 

And more, much more than this, 

I did it my way. 

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew, 

When I bit off more than I could chew, 

But through it all, when there was doubt, 

I ate it up and spit it out. 

I faced it all and I stood tall 

And did it my way. 

I've loved, I've laughed and cried, 

I've had my fill - my share of losing. 

But now, as tears subside, 

I find it all so amusing. 

To think I did all that, 

And may I say, not in a shy way - 

Oh no. Oh no, not me,
I did it my way. 

I can definitely see why Sinatra was great. If 40 years from today when I'm 66 I can look back and still say that and mean it, then I'll consider it a life well lived. Of course, at that time, the cherry on the pie is going to be the Beamer(TM) that I'll have parked outside on my driveway.

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the things you see (and the things you don't)

This is the second of the blogging series things that's been going around, where you say 10 things about yourself other people probably didn't know, (so I guess "I'm tall, dark and deadly" is out? :) I've been tagged, again, so thanks again.

1. I spent the first 14 years of my life living under a rock. It's coz that was a time when it was really important who's a bright one and who's not and I was, well, THE bright one. So I didn't feel like I had to do anything anyone else was doing, in fact, I thought it should be the other way round. More often than not, it wasn't. Anyway, as a result, I don't drink, smoke, rave, or like Nameless and P-Square.

2. I don't do Coast. At all! It's coz of all that heat and humidity, and I'm tall dark and deadly so for me it's like the sun is on the seat next to mine. The first time I went there (and only time, I think) was work related. And you better believe I tried to break my leg the week before so they'd let me out of it. Turns out our primal instinct for avoiding pain is like a knee-jerk reaction - so I dropped the anvil, and then quickly jumped out of the way.

3. I'm not sporty, and I don't like sports. Except when it's Serena playing tennis. It's the only time I'll sit down to watch a game. So it follows that I never really learnt how to swim (and I've just discovered enough people can't swim - look at that, me lost in a crowd :), or basketball, even though I was genuinely interested as a child, and there was a court where we used to live. When Tree Hill came in '03 it brought back so many memories.

4. Funds allowing, I would not stop buying little tech gadgets. The Nexus One, Sennheiser headphones, an iPod, a Playstation 3, a Macbook, music cd's (not really, I'm too used to torrents now), a Kindle, the Harman Kardon sound system, a flat panel TV, a blu-ray player, and the Canon Rebel 450d. I cannot get enough of electronics. And I don't believe in that one-device-does-all nonsense of a walkman phone that has a camera (sorry Sony). The all-in-one is never as good as the individual devices.

5. I'm not full-blown a control freak, but a really big part of why I stopped watching broadcast TV (yes, even satellite) was that I can't forward/rewind/skip at will. When something jumps out at me I want to see it again. When there's a gun fight and the other guy is not Sylvester Stallone or Steven Segal I want to fast-forward [or maybe just skip the whole movie all together] coz I already know how that's gonna end. When commercial breaks are coming 16 a show like they do on NTV (really, they must have like a buy one get 14 free package) I want to throw the remote at the TV. So I only do DVD.

6. A lot of the stuff I say is actually inspired by the things I watch and the songs I listen to. Like there was a point I'd memorized Chandler. Maybe that's why I start every sentence "So..." But either people don't watch the same shows I do or stuff doesn't hit them as hard as it does me, coz they don't seem to notice. But I always adapt it to whatever the current situation is, so that could be part of it. (I am also very modest; I'm only doing this ten things under great duress :)

7. I appreciate quality and effort, in programs, ads, music, cars, clothes, but not in food - food I don't really care. Especially ads, coz they actively try to get a point across. If you make an ad and put a subliminal message in it I'll probably get it, and I'll love you for it (my best remains the Peugeot 307 ad from 08 where it's sitting under a tree, a dove drops sh!t on it, then a short time later, flies down and wipes it all off with its wing. Ostensibly, it noticed that the car was a 307. Then they write down there "Clean hybrid technology. Nature will remember." And also the Beamer clips with Clive Owen from back in '05 - I saw all 8 of them) I really don't get why a newspaper would have a spelling/grammatical error on page 3, or even at all!

8. A hundred years ago I used to be a fan of R&B. I can still remember in high school skyving preps to go listen to Hot 7 at 7 on Kiss. And then one day I walked past a guy's room who had Arms Wide Open on repeat, and then I heard How You Remind Me on PM Drive (those days when Phil Matthews used to be the isht and Capital belonged to Lynda Holt). It was like I'd seen the light, and I've never looked back. Right now there's very little I can stand that's not rock, except for dancehall and ragga where there's nothing I CAN stand.

9. I tease people. A lot. But it's not to be mean. Partly it's because I can, but mostly it's that if it was me they were teasing I'd still find it funny, so I expect them to as well. I can't help it. If we can't diss each other then I can't be around you.

10. 10 other things I can't stand: radio presenters other than Rick Dees (he's brilliant), the smell of goat meat, movies by that guy called Ben Stiller, Monday mornings, and by extension Sunday nights, that KTN robot, generally meat, cockroaches and rats, the way people misuse "...of which..." in all their sentences, trousers that aren't straight fit, insecurity, clinginess.

11. I'm christian, but I don't believe in dissociating with non-saved people. And approximately once every month I have a minor freakout about is there an afterlife, incarnation, and things like that. So I ask God for a sign but it doesn't come, or comes very well disguised so I can't associate it with my prayer. 

12. I think Omen is the scariest movie I've ever seen, and I've seen The Exorcist, the original Dracula, Stigmata, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Orphan and Antichrist. That reminds me, another thing I can't stand - slasher movies. Anything by Rob Zombie, One Missed Call, the Final Destinations, Friday The 13th, Halloween, that kind of "horror". First it's not scary, and that storyline is SO played out - guy in a mask or mummy dress kills everyone one by one except the star, who'll probably die in the sequel (ya, they always have a sequel). Please! For me to like a picture it has to appear like the maker was trying, like they thought about it.

13. I like being comfortable. I probably rate it my number one priority. So I want a house at the über-trendy Atrium now coming up in Kilimani. Although I do know that's probably a pipe dream. And I don't like hatchbacks, but I've been in a Mini Cooper (after they got bought by BMW), and it was like I'd died and gone to heaven. So yes, whatever Beamer makes I'll eat up, except the X6. There's really no way I can sell that one.

14. I can't sing so I don't do karaoke. And I can't dance coz it's never come up - or I have hand-leg coordination issues, whatever. Anyway, I secretly wish I could. I've even been enrolling at Destiny for the longest time.

15. I despise local government, with all my heart I despise them, and I hope none of them reads blogs, (coz I think this is treason) I just don't get the sense they care about people. And I don't get the sense they want to lead so much as they want to be seen as being powerful. They're not in it to make a change. If only presidents were like that one from The West Wing (best show ever! btw)

16. I'm the silent type, and I don't do well with crowds. No, it's not coz I think people are shallow (although I used to growing up), it's probably coz I like the weirdest things, and I might have controversial views, so I feel I'll be judged. Yes I do care what people think, but I'll be damned if they can tell! I hide it really well.

17. I got a Sansa (Sandisk's answer to the iPod) so I could lock out the rest of the world, and also coz I love music so much I want to take it out back and make babies with it (I'm really hoping you watch 30 Rock coz that could so easily be misinterpreted...)

18. 18 songs that were watershed moments for me: Creed - With Arms Wide Open; Tupac - Life Goes On; Eminem - Sing for the Moment; Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars; The Fray - How to Save a Life; Missy Higgins - Where I Stood; Lifehouse - Broken; Yellowcard - Shadows and Regrets; Casting Crowns - The Altar and The Door (it was playing the day my mum and I rolled with the car); T.I. - Ready for Whatever; DJay - Hustle & Flow; Wyclef Jean - 80 Bars; Lupe Fiasco - Superstar; Hillsong - To The Ends of The Earth; Linkin Park - New Divide; Madonna - This Used To Be My Playground; Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice; Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life; Skillet - Will You Be There (this is the song that made me wish I could sing!); Athlete - Wires

19. I have a very acute sense of what's important and what's not. So when you ask a question you're likely to get a two word answer. But they'll be the two words that exactly tell you what you wanted to know. I don't volunteer information I don't think will change your life unless you specifically ask for it. Which conflicts with me being a chatterbox above, no? Ya, I'm enigmatic that way :)

20. I read books. A lot. But I don't follow pop culture. If it's not a biography for a person whose life I've found intriguing, like Hillary or Lee Iaccoca, the title has to jump out at me first. I'm much more likely to read a book called The Cure for Death By Lightning or The Life of Pi than the next Sidney Sheldon best seller. And I definitely don't do self help. EVER!

Huh, there seems to be a lot to say. I'd never actually sat down to analyze myself. Anyway, this is the one subject on which I'm THE authority so I've immensely enjoyed it. But, the list had to end sometime, now seems as good a time as any.

Tagged = bryo, alex, muhu, mashinc, tinman, mia, (and, just for fun) fakesteve

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between order and randomness: letter to my sixteen-year-old self

There's a thing going round (apparently for a while) where you imagine if you could write a letter to yourself when you were 16 what you'd say. So I've finally been tagged (thanks, I guess)

Dear me,

Hi. So I sat down to write this letter and there was so much to say, coz a lot has happened since I was you still dreaming of Californication, and I'm you so I really do know it all. Where to start... Your self esteem. Don't fret so much because of your weight, or your complexion. There's worse things in the world than being ostracized because of how you look, and people grow out of these things. I've actually seen your autograph book at the end of fourth, and what people wrote in it, so yes, you did become quite popular. And yes, the weight's gonna drop off (but probably come back).

Don't hate your father so much. He really only wants what's best for you, even though I must agree his methods could you use a little work. But you know the way I (I guess you as well) believe the end justifies the means, ya, you're gonna turn out really great. And it's all gonna be because of him. He sees potential in you to go places he himself couldn't go because of limitations occasioned by his circumstances. Circumstances he's going to work till he drops to ensure you never encounter. So cut him some slack sometimes. I know everyone says their father is the best, so now imagine what it's like hearing other people say that about your dad. I have. Ya, he's a pretty amazing person.

Stop giving your mother such a hard time. Listen when she tells you stuff. You really don't want to see her cry! Believe me when I tell you, it's never gonna go away. You two are going to become extremely close later, and it'll be immensely better if you don't have a history of violence looming in the background to regret. 

When kina Victor come up to you and tell you they're joining the choir, tag along. You probably won't make it past auditions, but at least you'll get to be an extra or something. Either way, you'll learn about girls a lot faster that way. 

And stop telling yourself all the time how unimaginative you are. I've been to the future, and I'm telling you right now, you're going to speak it into fruition. All that talent you have, the drawing and sketching, it could turn out for good, but the way you're going you'll kill it before you're 19. I know I did. Don't take your flair for computers and languages for granted. In fact, develop them. Work on them everyday. You don't want to be the guy 10 years later hearing stories about how so and so is doing so well at software, doing the very thing you got him started on. If there's only one thing you take away from this letter, I hope you learn to live by the hustle. Right now it means nothing to you, but start thinking about things you can do for yourself, to develop yourself. Hustle doesn't have to arise out of need - your parents are still there and will probably be there as long as you'll need to depend on them so you'll never really have that - sometimes it could just be your intiative. It's one thing I never got to learn, and now I'm just starting to try and play catch-up while everyone else I know is miles ahead.

Don't ignore other people. You can't make it on your own. Ask for help when you need it. Get to know the people around you; you never know when you'll need them.

Speaking from the future, with the benefit of hindsight, I'll tell you, don't overthink stuff. If you feel your heart leading you somewhere, follow it. You've got good judgement, and really good instincts. Listen to them. They'll take you places. We'll probably never meet just you and me, but you'll turn out just fine. And when you make mistakes, as you definitely will, remember, after all, tomorrow is another day...

Yours,

Me

PS: You and that Gladys are not going to happen. In fact, she moves to a different country. Move on.

PPS: Yes, you'll finally get to go to NYC. It's gonna be everything you dreamed it would be, and you're gonna fall in love with it for real.


Tagged = gladysmoore, bryo, alex.

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don't cry baby, it's only a movie

Movies. Our secret escape from reality. The things we turn to to restore our faith in fairy tales, and happy endings and miracles, and fireflies. After you watch your all-time favorite, you always feel just a little bit better. Hell, sometimes you even start to see the sun shining again. And yet, with the exception of the odd twist or two, ever since Bogart captured the world's fantasy with his macho nothing-gets-through persona that melted at the sight of Ingrid Bergman's damsel in distress ("Of all the gin joints in all the cities in all the world, she walked into mine!" - CASABLANCA), or Rhett Butler's stoic self came crumbling down after he found the one woman who could break his heart and she did ("Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" - GONE WITH THE WIND), movies have gotten progressively and steadily closer to reality, so much so that Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump and indies like The Hurt Locker actually enjoy success at the box office, and get Best Picture awards. So why then do we still find we can escape in movies? If they're modelled after our lives, won't they just be as tragic? Why do we still seek comfort there?

I'll tell you why. Because they still have that sensationalism that we can never quite capture in our own lives. They allow us experience anguish with the safety of knowing we're not really going to die, that the meteors aren't really going to crash into earth. They allow us feel joy with the hero/-ine and pain as well without getting emotionally invested. It's like a quick-fix source of those pheromones(?) that go straight to our heads and make us feel better. They allow us to identify with other people in situations like ours, sometimes worse than ours, and therefore let us know we're not alone. Let's face it, no matter how real and life size movies get, they'll always be cathartic. Don't you get a tingle in your spine every time you hear that -"I WANT THE TRUTH!" -"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" exchange from A Few Good Men? Doesn't it just break your heart when Jack dies in Titanic, or when Creasy goes up to offer himself in exchange for the girl in Man on Fire? Or at the end of Nick Cassavettes' major crier, The Notebook, when you discover that, OMG, she really did get Alzheimer's, and he really was reading to her out of a notebook she wrote a hundred years ago chronicling their lives.

Doesn't it make you swell with pride about the humanity in people when you see Goldblum and Will Smith go up there to take on the aliens from Independence Day; or when the ship full of ex-cons is the first one to throw out the Joker's detonator meant to destroy the other ship in The Dark Knight; or when Bruce Willis and his men selflessly go above and beyond their call of duty to take on the entire Nigerian army in defence of the weak Ibo people just because it was the right thing to do (Tears of the Sun); or when the country leaders elect to open the doors to the Arks to let in all the riff raff who couldn't afford the $1BN ticket price because it would be inhuman to condemn them to die as they watch in 2012; or even in less grandiose scenes, like when Brad Pitt jumped in the way when he thought that guy was going to shoot his father (Legends of the Fall); or when Batman decides to take the fall for 2-Face and puts himself on the line just so he can give the people a genuine hero they can believe in (The Dark Knight). These movies show us that people are inherently good, and that given the choice, even the hardest of bandits will sometimes do the right thing. That in the fight against tyranny, in the fight for survival, we all stand together. No sacrifice is too great. In A Few Good Men, after the jury exonorated the two privates, and yet the judge still dishonourably discharged them, one was like "Hal, what did we do wrong?? We did nothing wrong!!" and then Hal answered, "Yea we did. We were supposed to fight for people who couldn't fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willy."

Then there are movies like Hustle and Flow. About persistence. About never giving up the dream, always believing that one day your break will come, and when it comes, leaping into the deep without a net and taking advantage of it. And those about overcoming less-than-fortuitous circumstances and rising above, like The Freedom Writers, Remember The Titans, Mona Lisa Smile. Then there are those feel-good romantic comedies that you enjoy and then forget about, like The Proposal, or Speed, or The Lakehouse (huh, that's odd, they all have Sandra Bullock in them) or Definitely, Maybe, or Pretty Woman. Then there are those fantasy-based movies that show us an alternate universe but still aim to drive home the point about courage, the biggest ones here of course being Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and most recently (!) Avatar. There was a point in Hustle & Flow when DJay got confronted about lying about knowing Skinny (Ludacris), and he said Shug's baby had a whore for a mother and a random trick for a father, but one day was going to walk up to him and ask him if she could be president. "You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna look that girl in the eye, and I'm gonna lie. Because everyone deserves to have a dream."

I don't think we escape to movies because we're hiding our heads in the sand, no. I think we do it because it offers reprieve for the tired soul. I think we do it because every once in a while everyone deserves to take a break. I think we do it because in the process sometimes we even learn new things. Seeing the world through the eyes of another person, that expands our horizons. Movies allow us to go places we wouldn't otherwise have gone, enjoy experiences we wouldn't otherwise have enjoyed. They show us that even the worst of situations can actually be turned around for the best. And in so doing, they restore our faith in the world. Yes they're just movies, but sometimes they strengthen our resolve to face tomorrow.

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the best years of our lives

Ten years isn't such a short time when thought of in absolute terms, but at the end of the 10th one, when you look back, it seems not a day over 15 minutes, doesn't it? That's where I'm at today. It's been full of ups and downs, successes and failures, it's been a journey of self discovery, false starts - like my first real relationship - and more grounded ones - like my first job, at which I "kick a$$", their words. Pleasant new experiences, like living on my own, and not-so-pleasant ones, like my little brother's frequent ambivalent spells. Loss of loved ones, one of my oldest friends' mother and grandmother, and new babies, another of my current friends. I've taken it all with arms wide open, and every time I fell I've come back a stronger person. And more, what's more than this, I did it my way. It's been the most significant 10 years of my life, because I went in a boy, and I came out a man (OK, I'm sure everyone says that about their 20's :).

In 2002 I saw what a nation united can achieve. I saw a man broken by the jubilant mood of the country as he was disbundled from his office - something that bespoke his legacy. I heard people talk about inflation and monetary policy at the local joint like it was a term they'd grown up with, whereas in fact they'd only just read about it in the pundits' reports last week. That was hope. It was togetherness, belonging, ownership of the country by its citizens. It was breath-taking! In 2007, the story was different. I saw the depths to which humans can degenerate, and why our thoughts are the only thing that sets us apart from animals. I saw sins of the father get visited upon the child, someone else's innocent child. I saw country rip itself apart at the seams, and not even stop to reconsider what it was doing. That animal nature, that was scary. Scary in the sense that it wasn't isolated, and it wasn't provoked, and it didn't even look like it was designed to achieve anything, it was just mindless killing. Almost the kind they call ethnic cleansing. It was not fun to watch.

Speaking of things watchable, in 2003 Mark Schwahn made a show, then little-known, called One Tree Hill, and it changed my life! I kid you not. You know when they say children learn what they see? Ya, I used to watch Tree Hill. It was so different from all those other teen dramas of the day, akina Beverly Hills and Dawson's Creek and The OC. This one actually made sense. It was about dreams, and ambitions, and family, and art, and love. The people faced real issues and the actors portrayed their characters realistically. And the music, OMG the music! I was already a rock fan by that time (I still remember the songs that changed me: Creed's Arms Wide Open and Nickelback's How You Remind Me) but the music I found as a result of that show, O.M.G. I can still hear it in my head, at the end of that pilot episode when Luke beat Nathan and that Saliva song broke out "Would you find it in your heart/To make this go away/And let me rest in pieces..." That was the moment I knew for sure that I'd found a winner. Man, I can't even start to list the things I've learned because of that show - Peyton's love of indie rock and Lucas' reading habits and those voiceovers. At the time when everyone was all about 24 me I was all Tree Hill. Those days like 70% of my week used to be spent watching TV, so when I say Tree Hill is the show I'll be watching 75% of the time, I mean it was literally my life. It's not still my life, but I still love it. (so now you know where I got the idea for naming blog posts after songs and albums - that's how they name their episodes)

In 2008 I graduated from uni(!) Come August, I'd just been through the sixth interview, which was the last stage before they either hire you or let you go. It had been a long journey, from that happy-go-lucky uni student who knew nothing about his endgame (in Jan :) to here, actually being one of the fore-runners. They'd told us they'd let us know in 2 days, 3 max. So this was the third day, and I could not get any more anxious. It was all over. Public opinion was that if you succeeded they called you and regrets were sent over email after they'd called everyone they wanted. I couldn't stop staring at the phone, partly because I hadn't really applied many other places, but also because I'd now gotten so invested that I really wanted this job. I remember even walking all around Kile to take the edge off. It took me all of 2 hours, and now it's 2.45 and still nothing. My heart pounding, trying to look calm so no one in the house starts hugging me and empathising when I don't get it, I went and sat outside. And sat. And sat. And sat. It was just 25 minutes, but man! And then the phone rang.

When I woke up at the beginning of the 00's, I was a disgruntled student getting ready to go back to school. It was Starch, which is pretty much as good as it gets for any high school boy, but believe me when I tell you NO ONE ever counts their blessings in the moment. See asides from every other extraordinary thing that school does, they open on the Saturday before the week all other schools open, which basically meant the next day after New Year's. But, I went, and I kept going through the rest of the 3 years and then the next four and here I finally am. Supposedly enjoying the fruits of a childhood well lived. Back then I used to have this halcyon image of the world where everyone got everything they asked for and bosses and parents never made you do anything you didn't want to do, or when they offended you they came and apologised, where open-door policy really meant you could walk in at any time, and where a boy saw a girl across the room, their eyes met, and two weeks later they lived happily ever after. But now, now I've learnt. I know now that it doesn't work that way. I know now that people are more often irrational than rational. I know now that to get something from someone you have to more than just ask, you have to ask in a language they understand, even if speaking it goes against the very grain you're made of. I know now that exemplariness does not always get rewarded, and hard work is not all it takes to excel. I know enough to not always do unto others as I would have them do unto me; their tastes may not be the same. It's been a long ten years. The people in my life have come and gone, and I've moved around. But in hindsight, doesn't seem a day over 15 minutes. And it'll be 10 more before I can blink. So the best thing I've learnt so far, there's no hereafter. These are the best years of our lives, and in life, the journey is the destination.

END