ashes of dreams you let die

So I hadn't mentioned it, but I finally got to go home over Easter. It was so much fun. Plus that pseudo-sister of ours who moved to Dubai came back. Didn't bring me a Nano(TM) like we'd spoken about but I'm sure I'll live. My parents seemed very pleased to see me, even tho we're constantly meeting here when they're in town, so naturally the big admonitions began, after all the welcome home's were over. Why don't I come more often? How much do I know about our stuff, and our family's possessions? If anything were to happen to them today do I know I'd have to take over things? (God forbid!) The answer was silent, pensive thought on every count.

Then the story gradually segued to childhood, and how we all grew up. Can I just say at this point that if your parents didn't do anything catastrophic to you like kick you out when you were 12 or refuse to lipa school for you then you need to respect them, and approach them with reverence. You know us kids never get to find out how much our parents give up just so they can bring us up and enable us live the kind of life we want to. And it's not just that freedom of ati now they have kids so they can't just up and move to Egypt, no. I'm talking about actual dreams and ambitions. See once they get us then it stops being just about them. They have to ensure a certain measure of security is maintained at all times. They've got more than just themselves to answer for and they can't afford to take certain risks any more. They now have to take better care of themselves, because they owe it to us to be around for as long as we need them. They have to start thinking about where they want us to go, and start laying down foundations that'll help get us there. Sometimes they might even have to change their friends (this nice lady said something very interesting to the parents in church the other week-that if they want to "...make sure your kids have good friends? Have some good friends yourself, and then let your kids play with their kids.")

This is what I've gathered from talking to mine. My mom once wanted to be a writer. She was already very good at the languages, and she'd already done literature and stuff at A-levels. My father wanted to be an electrical engineer. He's also pretty good at music and instruments and had a 'fro like The Supremes back in the '80s. Those life paths couldn't be further from what they do now. I don't think we were entirely the cause for that, there were other contributory factors too, and I'm not saying they're not happy or satisfied with the way things turned out, I'm just saying I realize now that parents do a lot more for us than just feed and clothe us. They make such selfless choices where we're concerned and don't even ask us to recognize. And then when we turn round and hate them for demanding more out of us, for wanting the best for us, they don't throw up their hands and say "Hey, at least I tried." they just keep on giving and keep on giving until we need no more.

So for the gift of life; for all the sacrifices made on our behalf; for all the bullets bitten coz of us, without complaint; for never giving up on us, and cheering us on even when no one else did;  for the late nights travelling so we could see you; for all the miracles made every Christmas; for all the lessons learned; for the people that we've become, here's a special shoutout to all the parents out there. Especially mine. You're an amazing group of people, and we children don't say that nearly enough. But we're getting better at it. Gratitude is one of those things that's a lot like beauty - it grows greater over time. As Tupac said it: ...There's no way I could pay you back/But my plan is to show you that I understand/You are appreciated...

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harder than the first time

I can't lay claim to being the most civically responsible of citizens. But every once in a while something usually happens that makes even a Guy Like Me wake up and start asking questions. The proposed draft constitution is just such a thing (the other, of course, being a general election). In the midst of all this white noise, I decided I'd read for myself this time and I wouldn't get all my stories from (blind, emotionally charged) outside quarters. And I just don't see it. So the Kadhi's courts are mentioned, so what?? Their jurisdiction is SO limited! First both parties need to openly profess the muslim religion, and then only in matters of personal identity, inheritance, marriage and divorce. Right there, Christians, and everyone else really, are by definition excluded from these provisions. And it says so right at the top of the draft: State and religion shall be separate. There shall be no state religion. The constitution shall treat all religions equally. I really don't see how the mention of muslim in the sentence "...The jurisdiction of a Kadhi’s court shall extend to the determination of questions of Muslim law relating to personal status, marriage, divorce or inheritance in proceedings in which all the parties profess the Muslim religion." somehow elevates Islam above every other religion. This guy I know puts it very eloquently: your own light does not shine brighter through you extinguishing that of your neighbor's.

Anyway, I'm thinking everyone should just read and evaluate the draft on its own merit individually, and vote with their own conscience. And vote on the issues - none of that orange-banana nonsense. Those who can't read should find someone they trust (probably not their MP) to explain stuff to them - otherwise if we keep treating the country like it's full of illiterates, it's gonna stay that way. For each his own vote, that's just how I see it.

So the job I'd applied for, they called me for one of those aptitude tests. End of last week. Man, was that some test! I left saying whoever passes that exam is gonna deserve that job (of course by faith it's gonna be me so.) Now I'm completely unable to think about anything else. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't shore up enough faculties to do anything start to finish without having to start over at some point. I know, I've already done the test. I can't change my answers now. If something is somehow wrong it's gonna stay wrong. But that letting go, this time it doesn't seem to be in my fabric. Which explains why I'm watching baseball - I'm seeking inspiration. It's not very interesting, in fact it's downright boring (see number 3) in every way but one: you know that guy that hits the ball, (called, not shockingly, the hitter!) at that moment, when he's standing there watching the pitcher (again, not shockingly, that's the guy who pitches the ball); waiting for him to pitch it, there's nothing else on his mind, except that ball. He looks at exactly one place, and focuses on exactly one thing. That's how home-runs are scored. By locking out every distraction, by forgetting all of the unrelated trivialities, by concentrating on the ball and only the ball, the hitter hits his way into the baseball hall of fame. I need to find my hitting moment and just clear my head until those results come out.

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faster than the speed of night

Things that take 15 minutes: from home (Mumias) to the next town at 60MPH; Wilco's Less Than You Think; cooking Santa Lucia spaghetti; Martin Luther King, Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech; Andy Warhol's record-setting auction at Christie's; a half-litre tub of ice cream to completely melt at room temperature. Short-lived, fleeting fame is called 15 minutes of fame. It also takes 15 minutes for hijackers to completely clean you out when they jack your car at end month, depending on how far from the bank you live. A friend of mine was jacked last week, and it happened to her exactly that way. They took her just as she was driving into their compound (it seems the watchman let them in) and suddenly she sees two people one with a gun. They get in, drive off with her, first to the bank to get all her cash, then they wait till next day to get the rest, then they went with her very far from town and left her by the streets and went with her car. Because this was week 1, plus the week after Easter weekend, you need to understand that when I say they took everything I mean literally everything. None of her bills was paid, her shopping wasn't done, and she hadn't even paid the rent.

Then the most amazing thing happened - she mentioned it to one or two of her closest friends in the office (and told me too somehow - I have those like large ears and I ask questions) and then it spread through the grapevine, and all of a sudden there was all these people stepping up offering to help. You know, giving cash, in kind, whatever. Everyone was so nice and helpful, right from her landlady giving her an extension on the rent. She never even had to ask, guys were just volunteering. Plus the cops actually found her car in a day. I happened to be with her when she was receiving part of the cash, and I remember exclaiming "Wow, you've got a strong support group!" And I really did think so. Our setup is sort of like a school in the sense that every year they hire many new people so we have lots based on year hired so people are obviously closer with guys their own lot, and she's from the lot two years ahead of mine (but we're still friends) so I may have assumed her lot have organized themselves into a sort of chamma or something and that's where all that stuff is coming from.

What I didn't realise, was that there was no such thing. They were just people helping out another person because they could. Turns out that so called "support group" was really just people like me. So I finally looked for her and asked how I could be of help, and I felt much better after that. All day yesterday I was actually beating myself up over having not gotten it sooner. See I grew up self-sufficient, so while I'm not overly stingy, if someone doesn't ask for something I just go ahead and assume it's coz they don't need it so I don't offer. Or at least I used not to. I'm getting better but some situations clearly still fall through the cracks. She was telling me that thing just started as a joke and she's such a good sport so she was laughing with everyone about it like a day after it happened. She could not have thought the guys were actually being serious until the stuff started trickling in. And I was like, ya, people can surprise you that way sometimes. Truth is, they surprised even me. Human beings have an unyielding capacity for love. Maybe not all of us have, but those that do inspire those of us who don't. And I can only hope that one day I'll reach that place where I'll actually be the one coming up with the initiatives. Where reaching out to a soul in need will be more instinct than the product of prodding and conscience-beating. I heard this as a voiceover on Grey's once, long ago when I was still in school: No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we fight, we fall sometimes. But there's an upside to falling - it's the chance we give our friends to catch us.

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