here comes a regular

Towards the end of high school, when we were all selecting courses for uni, sometimes I think I was more selecting what uni I wanted to go to than what course I wanted, because coincidentally or otherwise all of my choices ended up being at the University of Nairobi. I actually remember it was really important in my mind that I be called into that uni. See I was the guy from the small town who moved to an even smaller one when he was 12, so I've always known who my neighbours were. What their children were allergic to. Where they went on holiday. Who was sleeping with whom... You know how guys make a career out of spying on celebs in Hollywood? Now at our place everyone was a celebrity, and everyone else was paparazzi. So I wanted to come see how it's like in a big town. Yes because the city held untold potential for adventure and exposure, but also because of the allure it held of anonymity. Here no one seemed to care about the person sitting next to them. No one butted their heads into anyone else's business. Your private affairs remained your private affairs. And more than that, people actually stayed with their doors closed all day (I think us people used to only close the door at like 11 when we're going to sleep, otherwise it stays wide open which really used to irritate me.) I've always been the aloof kind, so here was a place where people were aloof like they were getting paid. It was like I'd died and gone to heaven. Whatever the reason, I must be blest coz I got in.

I'd thought it would be a chance to start all over. To recreate myself. To boot any habits I was ashamed of and start doing things I'd always dreamed of. Coz here, no one knew me. The persona they got to meet was whatever I painted it out to be. Ha! It was a lot more difficult than I'd thought it to be. Turns out you can't just conjure up a new future and put it in the microwave and come collect it ready after 10 minutes. All those Greek and Roman philosophers who're all like "The best way to predict your future is to create it yourself," well, I don't think they were speaking in the context of today's world. Our childhoods are much more ingrained in us than one would imagine. Instinct is called instinct exactly because of that - that it's inborn; that you don't think about it; that it just comes and you almost can't prevent it. Once you establish a habit it sticks with you.

And so it came to pass that despite the fact that I had two chances (I switched faculties in between) all of my quirks from my past were carried on into my next life. The inability to dance/sing, laughing at times I shouldn't be laughing (and not at Ben Stiller, Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler movies), fear of creepy crawlies that move really fast, the dark humor, coyness, automatically distancing myself from my surroundings, dislike for happy yippee loud and crowd events, are a few of the things that still describe me 8 years after I tried to rid myself of them. Apparently the extent to which we can rewrite our fates is a little less boundless than I used to think it was. While some things are within our control, not everything is. At some point, obviously, Barack Obama became the poster boy for dreams, and even he acknowledges some of those limits: "You are probably not that good a rapper. Maybe you're the next Lil Wayne, but maybe not, in which case you need to stay in school."

I'm thinking this time now that I'm changing jobs and have that chance again, I won't even try. I'll just go in with a blank mind and let be whatever comes up. I'm gonna believe that the world is my oyster, and with any luck, like Macbeth, chance my yet crown me king.

"You are what you repeatedly do," said Aristotle. He should just have said I am what I've been repeatedly doing since I was a child.

END

the tide that left and never came back

This is probably one of the 50 most clichéd sentiments out there, but hell, it's true for me: I've never been very good at goodbyes. Mostly it's coz I don't get as attached as other people do. To places, to people, to things. I'm an out-of-mind-out-of-sight guy. So making a clean break is almost never a big deal. Today was my last day in the office as an employee. Officially anyway, in my mind the beginning of the end came a long time ago when I handed in that resignation. After that it was really all just a matter of time. Been thinking about the things I'll miss the most about that place. And I've come up with a surprisingly short list.

The people. My department (or service line as they call them) was the largest. They used to huddle us in this open hall six sizes too small with a bench-table running all across the center and the edges, so we literally used to share everything. Made finding space a biatch if you come later than 6 in the morning, but it made it that much easier for us to get to know each other. I've met some brilliant minds there. People who sharpened me, and people who tested me and helped broaden my boundaries. Funny people. Happy people. Dissociable people. Sensitive people. According to the HR manual, its people are its most valuable resource. There I agree with them.

The freedom. You could almost never catch someone butting their nose into your business. As long as you were delivering when you were supposed to be, it mattered very little that you skipped the odd Monday. Or that you cut out early thrice every week. The times when you weren't on an assignment were really your own to a very large extent. It's how I survived two years having gone on leave only once, and even then it was forced leave. Here it also helped that we were so many and no one had a desk assigned to them, so to notice you're missing someone had to specifically be looking for you. As far as 9 to 5's go, I think  external audit will be pretty hard to beat.

The attitude. You tell someone you're from a  Big Four firm and immediately they shut up and pay attention! You're probably someone they wanna listen to. While you're on the client's turf you're a God. You're supposed to be the catch-all know-all who'll have the solution to all their problems. It works numbers on the self esteem. You're an outsider so the rules that bind everyone else don't really apply to you. You can walk up to anyone anytime and ask them anything and not fear intimidation because they're not really your boss. Plus there's that whole aura - We're the external auditors. It's like we're from the FBI, you know? Anything we want we get. [most times it wasn't like that, but every once in a while we used to hit pay dirt].

Traditionally, when someone is leaving there's an email we send out with our last words. Some people use a form letter, but I, being me, chose to do my own, on my own terms. In it, I wrote to the management that I would forever be grateful that they took the chance on me. And that part I meant. I was as green as they come when they hired me. They took a bet and it paid off, for them and for me. There's all these things I liked about the place, and then there's all these things that made me want to down the tools and walk away. It's duality, like Charles Dickens described in A Tale of Two Cities: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.

I used to dream about the day I'd leave. It would be dramatic, like something out of a movie. I'd be the last person, I'd take a long, pensive look around, then I'd breathe deep, shut off the lights and there would be complete darkness; and then I'd close the door behind me. And just like that, a chapter in my life would be closed. Well, it didn't happen exactly like that. I guess I'll have to save that for next time. Although the way I'm feeling about this new job, that won't be very soon.

END

the hero dies in this one

Do things sometimes happen in your life that lead you to both believe in and question the existence of a Higher Power, if not straight out God? Today I'm going to bed having had my faith in the benevolence of God renewed; but with one or two caveats.

My father was on his way to Nairobi earlier in the day, and he almost died in road accident. There was a bus behind his car and another car in front of it. The bus suddenly pulled out to overtake without having looked to ensure the road was clear, and then after pulling out noticed an oncoming truck. So the truck swerves to avoid the bus, and the truck driver notices he's going off the road so he then swerves back and ends up having overcompensated. Momentum causes his trailer to tip over taking the whole truck with it and it falls all across the road. So my dad's car only just managed to stop before ramming into the fallen trailer. The other car that was in front, not so lucky. And [how sad!] the truck driver died on the spot. As did the guy in the other car. Meanwhile, the bus which was the cause of the entire fracas - got away Scott free.

I don't want to sound like an ingrate. My dad survived and right now that's really all that matters to me. But how does something like that happen? This truck driver had absolutely no mistake. He was just going about his way; even went out of his own way to avoid hitting the errant bus driver, and yet he's the one that ends up dying. Does that sound fair at all? I'm sure the guy had a family too - what are they to think once they learn how things went down? [no pun intended] I'm not saying some lives are worth more than others - I'm just thinking it doesn't seem in order for someone to pay for another's mistakes. With their life no less. You know the realities of frailty of life never hit home like at such times - when one of your own gets involved. 

Just five kilometers per hour more than their speed was and this story could have been completely different for me. I grew up seeing my father as invincible. A survivor. Someone who'd just always be there, would probably even outlast me. And then a day like today happens and a major spanner is thrown in the works. But God did come through for us so we're going to praise him. I wonder, though, if the truck driver's family will have the strength/grace to still praise Him. I really don't know if I would. My father lived today, but a seemingly good man died. I think ambivalence does not begin to describe this feeling.

END