something i can never have

It's happening again. I can't believe how often this happens to me now. Want to know what I think? I think when the person you're with picks a normal, calm, not-in-a-fight moment to tell you that you treat them like sh!t, you're screwed either way. There's no way that scenario ends well for you. I think sometimes there's just a basic problem of incompatibility. Two people gel, and then they don't anymore. When you try your best and it's not good enough, I think it's time to walk away. Time to try something different. You can't be someone else, you can only be yourself. I think for the right person, that's really all you're ever going to have to be.

You know those lists people have, that describe their perfect mate? It might not be a written list or whatever but we all talk about it with our friends so we've all got it in our minds, I destroyed mine. From what I've seen over the last two years, I don't think those things serve any purpose. When you find what you're looking for, I believe you'll know it. And when it's not right for you, you'll also know it, as I'm learning now. And my head is strangely serene about this. I keep waiting for that rush of tears, that torrent of emotion, that hotness in my face, to get overwhelmed as people are wont to do at times like these, but it doesn't come. Maybe the feeling's not sunk in completely yet. But I'm wondering what it says that I'm not currently going through my albums and deleting all the photos we have together like I know I've done before.

When I was a teenager I went to one of those bible camps where the main subject was waiting, and this guy's philosophy on how to know you've met your person was "Does the Jesus in you see the Jesus in her?" I think the Jesus in me needs to start speaking a little louder. Seriously.

Now comes the hard part - friendship. To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Ironically, this is the one they call the month of love. And while on satellite (DSTv) they're playing all those What's-Love-Got-To-Do-With-It type chic flicks where everyone ends up living happily ever after, out here in the real world hearts are breaking all over. So I'm listening to Savage Garden.

END

drowning on dry land

Sometime I cry. It's becoming clear to me when. I cry when I feel I have no control. I cry when I feel like the choice isn't mine. Like everything is in someone else's hands and I'm just an unwilling participant. Like I know what I want but I also know I'm not going to get it no matter what I do. I cry when I'm angry. I cry when I sense oppression from forces I can't control. But even more than that, I cry when I feel like I am a good man stuck in an adverse situation. I cry when I feel like I don't deserve what's happening to me.

I have always been able to lash out and express myself whenever I was dissatisfied with anything. I have always taken comfort in the thought that no matter what, at least my thoughts were always my own. Not anyone else's. But not lately. It's taken me a minute to get here, these are things I cannot so easily talk about. I've recently been through one of those moments, when you wish you were never born, or were born under different circumstances. In that moment, I felt like there was more on my shoulders than they were wont to bear.

The classic defintion of selfishness to me came from one Oscar Wilde. Selfishness is not living as one wishes. It is asking others to live is one wishes. There was an argument when I was at home. It was bad. And I have had nightmares about it ever since it happened. It started as something small but when it was over my life was completely changed by it. I still don't know if I can talk about it, but I know two nights don't go by when I don't think about it. This is the second time now in my life that I have wished I could tell the future. So that I would look and see what the consquences of my current actions would be before I committed them. And not just consequences on me, but on the people around me.

Maybe one day I will be able to talk about these things openly. Maybe one day I won't have those nightmares. And maybe when it's my turn and I have my own sacrifices to make, I'll do what I think was the right thing to do. I hope I won't be selfish. I hope I won't be supremacist. And I hope I will have the wherewithall to listen. But for now, for now I must continue to block that weekend. It's a sad day when someone like me can't say what they really want to say. Because that day, I'm not myself. The person that I am doesn't exist anymore. Something happened that weekend that I can't ever take back. And I can't talk about it. So I cry. And it's not the good kind.

END