somewhere between lovers and friends

I finally get to write a lamentations edition... I think I've met a girl. Actually met isn't the right word, coz I've known her for a while, maybe even five years on and off. We used to talk when I was in high school, then we stopped, then we started again when she was in high school, then stopped, then started again when I was in uni, then stopped, then started again when she was in uni. Then I got complimentaries to Nu Metro about four months ago and out of the blue I asked her to go with me and she said yes and we started hanging out after that ocassionally then her birthday came and went and I didn't know so she told me. That was now two months ago. After that it all seems like a blur, but right now I know she's away and it's the strangest thing - more than anything else I want to see her. I always used to look at my friends when they were here and laugh and think how weak they were, and that that stuff wasn't for me. Little did I know. This is all new to me, but I think I really like this girl, and I can't tell for sure if she feels the same way, but I know for a fact I want her to. She makes my heart race sometimes, I am physically unable to say no when she asks (but I try :), when we're together hours last only 10 minutes, I wanna hold her hand when we're walking (although I don't, dono why, maybe Im scared), and I can't seem to stop thinking about her lately. Why didn't all this happen to me the normal way - when I was still in kindergarten? Then I guess things would have been a lot easier to handle, and I'd now have a lot more experience. But no, it had to go and wait until I was old enough that I know what it is when someone's stomach is turning on the inside (which is what it does when she's not around and I want to see her - it is NOT fun!) I haven't told her yet, coz I keep thinking the feeling will go away somehow if I just leave it alone and my heartbeat will go back to normal, but it does not seem to be cooperating. In fact I think it gets stronger. That guy who said absence maketh the heart grow fonder was definitely onto something. But she hasn't the tiniest inkling what a blog is, let alone that I have one, so Im safe on this front :)

See now I have all these questions. I really don't think my problem with relationships is committment phobia the way the stereotype says. For me it's always been that I didn't feel the need to. I didn't seem to have that void people want to fill with love, and so everything was just peachy. I was single and I loved it. Now I don't know if that void has developed or I've just had a brain aneurism! How do I know it's not just a crush that will die down with time? Why didn't I feel this way the first time we met? She's still the same person I knew back then, I think Im still the same person I was, so what's changed? And why now, when all of us are going away for the holidays and will definitely not meet? Im not very big on phone conversations. For one thing, the other person can never seem to hear what Im saying, ati I speak too fast, mara Im not loud enough, plus I tend to run out of things to say very easily, so I only call to set up meetings or to find out specific things. Juzi when we met we were walking down memory lane, rehashing how we met, and I think it's remarkable that we both still remembered, given how long ago it was and that it wasn't like love at first sight or anything. I did like her even back then, but those were the days when I was like an island, entire unto myself, so going out never even came up. I just used to think it was nice having someone around to hang out with. But now do I want more? And what exactly is this "more"? And now that we've been friends this long won't it just ruin everything if I were to make a move and things went south. She's coming out of a long relationship and so there's that chance that I could just be the rebound guy and that never ends well, so I hear. There's all these things to consider. So much to think about. But then on the other hand there's the chance that it could all work out and I could end up the richest man in Babylon. If I'd been there before then I'd know if that chance was worth risking everything else. Now my problem is I've never been so Im at a loss here. Life would have been so much easier if we could hire people to make these decisions for us, or if we could just take a slight peek into the future to see how stuff turns out first, or maybe if I just had a Beamer(TM) :-D

The best song I've heard all this year I think is Broken by Lifehouse, and it's just now playing and I can't help but think how almost apt those lyrics are. Im not fully there yet, but Im finally starting to get a sense of what it is people mean when they say she's driving me crazy. It's a painful feeling, and beautiful at the same time. You have anxiety on the one hand and anticipation on the other. You can't decide whether to cry or to laugh. So maybe it wasn't meant to be love at first sight everytime. Maybe she just needed to walk by again, a coupla hundred times :), but regardless how I got here, Im here now and I just spent two hours writing this article and listening to Broken and Im really not comfortable on this sappy side. It's always been me empathising with those other people. I didn't ever think the day would come when I'd be in their shoes. Am I ready to do the boyfriend thing? I don't know. I don't even know what this "boyfriend thing" is, but I can already tell that if it means spending time with this girl I might want to give it a spin. I had always imagined I was going to be indomitable forever, and that I was never going to find myself just sitting down thinking about someone and wishing they were here. How wrong I was. But still, in the pain there is healing, and in her name, I find meaning. So Im holding on.

END