shadows and regrets

Im back, back in town, and everything has changed
I feel, feel let down, the faces stay the same
I see, see shadows, of who we used to be
When I drive, drive so slow, through this memory

When we were only kids,
And our time couldn't end
And how tall did we stand
With the world in our hands

Those were the days, weren't they? I was a child once, I was young, and I felt like I was invincible. I felt nothing could touch me. It's my birthday today, and a lot has changed since then. Some for the better, a little for the worse. I was one of those kids who was just born on a silver star. Other than a mountain bike I don't really think there's anything I'd ever wanted that I didn't get, and other than dancing and basketball I can't place anything I ever tried to do that I didn't manage. O, and singing, but that's just coz of my voice (apparently it's a little sweet... :) When we're growing up life seems idyllic. It's a world of possibilities out there, but it doesn't even matter, coz we know there's always going to be someone there to take care of us. Well, most of us. We know that in the evening there's gonna be a roof over our heads and in the morning a table's gonna be set for us. And we don't care where all these things come from. We are oblivious to the fact that nothing in life comes free, nothing comes easy. People have to work for things, and work hard. We hear adults talk of credit crunches and downsizing and teachers' strikes and these things don't impact us in any way. We believe the president is a good man, and we can't understand why it is when we're playing with our food our parents keep telling us about hungry kids in Sudan, (so, what, "Mummy, if I eat all my food, will the kids in Sudan get healthier?", asked one kid innocently).

We don't know what authority is, or that it can conspire to screw us over and there's nothing we can do about it. We believe that everyone is like our father - they just want what's best of us. Or at the very least if we asked for a lollipop they'll get us one. As children, the world is a fair place where every kid who behaved themselves gets a present from Santa Claus at christmas, and if you take out your tooth the tooth fairy comes to reward you for all the pain you had to endure. Happily ever after isn't such a utopian idea then, we're usually living it. We play with our friends during the day and everything is as it seems. There are no such things as ill feelings, undercutting and pretentious babble. We know the world goes round, but we don't care coz we're going round faster than it is, and so retribution for our actions, whatever the h*** that is, can never really catch up with us. Whatever we do we know we'll get away with it, coz, well, we're only children.

As kids, concepts like malice, revenge, cheating and maligning are all greek to us. A mummy does not just go and break a daddy's heart, and she comes home every night. Actually, she's home all day, it's the daddy who comes home every night. We cannot understand why they talk loud to each other and yell, or why he hits her. Don't they love each other? And why does the name Tina keep coming up? What's a hussy, we wonder. We cannot grasp the fact that there are just certain things that won't be solved by talking, or buying the other person ice cream. When we're kids and we're girls and our dad comes up to us when mum's not around and tells us that he loves us and does stuff to us, we think it's ok. He loves us, surely it must be this way for every other kid. If he says it's gonna be ok then it's gonna be ok. We don't find out till we're old enough that it's too late and we're probably damaged for life, that it wasn't. Kids have no sense of class, or snobizm, we pick that up later, much later. For kids, everyone's a friend, and there's always a game you can play together. Even the dirt's not dirt, just another adventure. That Yellowcard song goes on:

When we were only kids,
And we were best of friends,
And we hoped for the best,
And let go of the rest...

I've been thinking about how much stuff's changed over the years. How the people in my life have come and gone. Some for the better, some for the worse. I have gotten a lot wiser, and I know a lot more about people and patterns than I did back then. The little house I grew up in, that's still the same. But the little neighbours I grew up around, almost none of them is still around. Some have gone on to great success, but for others things haven't gone so well. When we were kids we were all at the same level, but now there's worlds between us. People can never seem to be able to just get together and reminisce about the good old times, and not have a care in the world how far each has come on their own. Reconnect at that basic level. We were friends then, why can't we be now? No. Too much changes over the years, apparently. Everything's got to be about something now, we can no longer just sit and have a good time for the sake of the good time. Robert Frost has a beautiful poem, about the simple life, and I think it alludes to our childhood days:

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
...
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.

Just that. The boy goes up trees, swings down them. Goes up another, swings down it. And has the time of his life. We keep hearing people tell us "Simplify!" when we complain about what a drag life has become. How much simpler can it get? If only we could all just be kids again...

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
...
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

END

carpe diem baby

Carpe diem is a Latin phrase from a poem by Horace, popularly translated as "seize the day". Now, Nickelback. Nickelback are one of those bands that goes silent for two years and you start to think they're dead, and just then they drop a record that you listen to and you are just lost for words. You start to wonder where they have been all your life! Dark Horse is one such record, and I recently got my hands on it and I've already skizad most of it. There's a song that particularly stood out, If Today Was Your Last Day. I don't think I'd be able to say it better than them if I tried, so Im gonna just go ahead and say it exactly the way they say it:

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each days a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned
Leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
If today was your last day

Going against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there's no second try
So live it like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark
On ending a broken heart
You know it's never too late
To shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind
A moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
Cause the hands of time
Are never on your side

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

It's all about opportunity. The here and now. Living life as we see it and having no regrets. Win or lose, this much we should all be able to say, like Frankie did, "At least I did it my way." This right here, this is the reason I listen to rock. It's mostly noise, but once every four or five songs you find that one that just blows you away! And it's usually worth all the crap you had to sift through to get it. And what better time than the start of a new year to hear this.

So go ahead.
Live, win
Dare, fail
Eat dirt
Bite the nail

Strip smile
Lose cool
Bleed the day
And break the rule

It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem, baby

END

the places you have come to fear the most

I first discovered I had a fear of heights when I was in high school. I went up to the roof of one of the buildings and the strangest thing - I couldn't look down. Then later on after high school when I was doing a stint at the engineering department and had to take reports up the factory floors on staircases without railings, and I couldn't take more than two steps at a time. It's odd, coz I grew up living on high rises, mostly on the top floor. Guess it doesn't count how high you go when you know there are barriers to protect you. Anyway, then later I found that I was afraid of crowds, the first time I had to do public speaking at the music festivals and I went on stage and all the words melted away, and needless to say I was sixth out of six, or that time I had to introduce the choral verse in German (coz I was the best student, or really the only one who knew enought to), and I forgot and gave it a different name on stage. No one in my team noticed, coz, well, it was German, but Im sure the judges did. I know this, because we came out last. We once lived near a posh-ish neighbourhood, where everyone had dogs. And I'd never spared them a second thought, but one time I was passing by my neighbour's gate and he was driving in so it was open, and his dog slipped and ran out the compound - after me. I freaked! I ran, and ran and ran, and when I saw an out - it was a bit dark - in the form of another neighbor's compound I went for it, and leapt in and forgot she actually had a barbed wire fence that was about knee-high. So I tripped on it, fell with all that momentum and got like a hundred bruises, but more tragically (I thought then), I fell on my cellphone and broke the screen. My very first cellphone! I was heartbroken. Of course by this time the dog master had just caught up with us so now that I had broken and scratched everything I could he took his dog back. Without even a word of apology! Thus came up my other real fear - dogs.

Of course, back then I was young, and I have since overcome that fear of dogs.

Non-superficially, Im scared of one day waking up and finding out I don't matter. I put on this brave face of someone who doesn't care and will live his life like there was no difference if he were the only one lost on treasure island, but deep down in places I don't talk about at parties I fear I do care. And I do worry what other people think of me. Some people, at any rate. And not my parents either, one or two friends. It hurts sometimes when Im not included in plans, or when I find out about them merely by accident, or when I get stood up, or every Saturday that I have to spend watching TV all day because I had nothing to do. Especially around the holidays. I call myself antisocial and I think I am, but I think its more a defence mechanism than by choice. As far back as I can remember I've always been this aloof person who didn't hug others or call in the evening to say hi or even just send thoughtful messages on Valentine's day. But when I sit down and think about it there are times when I realise that I may be missing out on a lot of things. Rollercoasters, they call them. There's this myth about singles dying in their apartments accidentally when they're 35 and no one notices till two weeks later when their bodies are all smelly and decomposing, and at times I see myself like that and worry. Perhaps I should try a little harder.

Dashboard Confessional describe a person in their song: "Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself/And covered with a perfect shell/Such a charming beautiful exterior/Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes/Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by..." Im not that far gone yet, but Im really scared Im getting there. Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself - check. Covered with a perfect shell - check. Charming beautiful exterior - check. Brilliant smiles and shining eyes - check (so I hear... :). Barely scraping by? I don't know. Time alone will tell.

END

where happiness lives

You probably sat in a fancier conference room the last time you refinanced or heard a pitch about life insurance. There's a table, some off-brand mesh office chairs, a bookcase that looks as if it had been put together with an Allen wrench and instructions in Swedish.

To reach this room, you pass through a cubicle farm lightly populated by quiet young people. Either they have just arrived or they are just leaving, because their desks are almost bare. The place has a vaguely familiar feel to it, this air of transient shabbiness and nondescriptitude. You can't quite put your finger on it ...

"It's like the set of The Office," someone offers.

Bingo.

Who writes like that??? I guess there's a reason not everyone with a pen and a decent language set (read yours truly) works for Time. The people who write for that magazine are just in a league all their own. That was the start of their 2008 Person of the Year story, featuring, of course, Barack Obama, and that guy was describing the office Obama sits in till he becomes the President officially this month. Anyway, that was just a sidebar, someone I hope is going to be me soon. 2008's gonna go down as the year a black person won the US presidency with no experience and against two candidates who were basically institutions in that country's politics asides from being white, a black person won formula one for the first time ever, Federer lost number one since he first got it some time in 05, a new powerhouse was created at the Olympics by the name Usain Bolt (as in the stars just lined up for this guy, coz how else do you explain his parents naming him Bolt and him growing up to be, like, a FAST runner), Vladimir Putin gave up the Russian presidency and was immediately appointed Prime Minister, the last Harry Potter was released and instantly became the fastest selling book in history (11 million copies in one day!!!! just in US and Britain, interestingly a record previously held by the previous Harry Potter, which had in turn unseated the fifth Harry Potter - that's literary power) and JK Rowling became richer than the Queen, and still despite all this a person we hardly ever think about made it to the top of the 100 Most Influential People list - the Dalai Lama. It's amazing because by his own philosophies he can't be vocal, can't draw attention to himself in any way, can't forcibly advance his beliefs, and of course doesn't go to parties with Paris Hilton or endorse Armani gowns.

He's supposed to be the guy who sits and watches silently while the rest of the world oppresses him, and prays for them, probably writes them an angry email once in a while just to let them know he's also human, in case they'd forgotten. But unlike Gandhi in the 60's, this guy is facing the Chinese communists, who, unlike their British counterparts, are not likely to be given to sudden attacks of conscience that will lead to Tibet's freedom. In fact, conscience doesn't even seem to have a Chinese translation - I looked it up! (ok, maybe I dint try hard enough :) If they gagged the media even during the Olympics there's not much these people won't do! And yet he still thinks kindly about them. "I don't dislike the Chinese, only their actions," he says. So then therefore the most mystical thing about this guy is also the most ordinary, seemingly: he's happy. In the midst of all the chaos and turmoil he's happy. Knowing that he's up against the largest civilisation and has only discipline and hope on his side, the Dalai Lama still wakes up in the morning and smiles. How does a person do that? Millions of people turn to him for inspiration. They prop him up on a pedestal and aspire to be like him. Where does he turn to? Not George Bush, that's for sure :)

If there's one thing his story shows us it's that happiness does not depend on possessions, even the intangible, widely regarded as lofty ones, like peace of mind and self worth. Just as easily as you choose to detest those who would oppress you and stew your insides over in all the grudges and ill feelings you harbor, you could choose to forgive them and wish them well, and free your mind to be truly happy. Existentialists believe in existence over essence - that the self, the very being of the person, rather than some predefined notion of human essence, defines what it is to be human. Basically, a person should be able to believe himself anything, metaphorically speaking even a superhero, and be it. The existence comes before the essence, and so we are totally in control of everything about us, including whether or not we're happy. We don't find a stereotype and grow into it. Instead, by how we live we create the stereotype.

They say, though, that man is a social being, and also that misery loves company. Thinking transitively, that would imply that man is somehow inherently miserable. So then he has to actually take measures to make himself happy. It won't just fall on him. But the thing is, what measures? Since hate and fear and worry are not like things you actively do, they're not physical, how do you stop? How do you make yourself truly free? When it comes to destiny and fate I tend to agree with the existentialist principles - we are wholy and completely in control of our ends. I don't believe there are people who are destined to be wretched and they don't have a choice in the matter. So I know there's something we should be able to do about it, but what? I don't do new year's resolutions, coz really we're usually just carrying over last year's ones into this year (unless we're Steve Jobs and our goals are things like make the iPhone the standard in mobile communication), but this year I want to find out what it means to be truly happy. I want to be able to stand in the midst of all the torrid goings-on around me and tune them all out and marvel at the wonder that is nature. At the beauty of roses, and the magnificence of the sky and the ocean, and the grandeur of mountains, and the gracefulness of the swimming duck. Anne Frank says "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." and yet Albert Camus thinks differently: "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." They both seem to have a point, I think. I just don't know whose is the stronger one. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, they say. I guess it meanss something that the Dalai Lama wears none.

END