shadows and regrets

Im back, back in town, and everything has changed
I feel, feel let down, the faces stay the same
I see, see shadows, of who we used to be
When I drive, drive so slow, through this memory

When we were only kids,
And our time couldn't end
And how tall did we stand
With the world in our hands

Those were the days, weren't they? I was a child once, I was young, and I felt like I was invincible. I felt nothing could touch me. It's my birthday today, and a lot has changed since then. Some for the better, a little for the worse. I was one of those kids who was just born on a silver star. Other than a mountain bike I don't really think there's anything I'd ever wanted that I didn't get, and other than dancing and basketball I can't place anything I ever tried to do that I didn't manage. O, and singing, but that's just coz of my voice (apparently it's a little sweet... :) When we're growing up life seems idyllic. It's a world of possibilities out there, but it doesn't even matter, coz we know there's always going to be someone there to take care of us. Well, most of us. We know that in the evening there's gonna be a roof over our heads and in the morning a table's gonna be set for us. And we don't care where all these things come from. We are oblivious to the fact that nothing in life comes free, nothing comes easy. People have to work for things, and work hard. We hear adults talk of credit crunches and downsizing and teachers' strikes and these things don't impact us in any way. We believe the president is a good man, and we can't understand why it is when we're playing with our food our parents keep telling us about hungry kids in Sudan, (so, what, "Mummy, if I eat all my food, will the kids in Sudan get healthier?", asked one kid innocently).

We don't know what authority is, or that it can conspire to screw us over and there's nothing we can do about it. We believe that everyone is like our father - they just want what's best of us. Or at the very least if we asked for a lollipop they'll get us one. As children, the world is a fair place where every kid who behaved themselves gets a present from Santa Claus at christmas, and if you take out your tooth the tooth fairy comes to reward you for all the pain you had to endure. Happily ever after isn't such a utopian idea then, we're usually living it. We play with our friends during the day and everything is as it seems. There are no such things as ill feelings, undercutting and pretentious babble. We know the world goes round, but we don't care coz we're going round faster than it is, and so retribution for our actions, whatever the h*** that is, can never really catch up with us. Whatever we do we know we'll get away with it, coz, well, we're only children.

As kids, concepts like malice, revenge, cheating and maligning are all greek to us. A mummy does not just go and break a daddy's heart, and she comes home every night. Actually, she's home all day, it's the daddy who comes home every night. We cannot understand why they talk loud to each other and yell, or why he hits her. Don't they love each other? And why does the name Tina keep coming up? What's a hussy, we wonder. We cannot grasp the fact that there are just certain things that won't be solved by talking, or buying the other person ice cream. When we're kids and we're girls and our dad comes up to us when mum's not around and tells us that he loves us and does stuff to us, we think it's ok. He loves us, surely it must be this way for every other kid. If he says it's gonna be ok then it's gonna be ok. We don't find out till we're old enough that it's too late and we're probably damaged for life, that it wasn't. Kids have no sense of class, or snobizm, we pick that up later, much later. For kids, everyone's a friend, and there's always a game you can play together. Even the dirt's not dirt, just another adventure. That Yellowcard song goes on:

When we were only kids,
And we were best of friends,
And we hoped for the best,
And let go of the rest...

I've been thinking about how much stuff's changed over the years. How the people in my life have come and gone. Some for the better, some for the worse. I have gotten a lot wiser, and I know a lot more about people and patterns than I did back then. The little house I grew up in, that's still the same. But the little neighbours I grew up around, almost none of them is still around. Some have gone on to great success, but for others things haven't gone so well. When we were kids we were all at the same level, but now there's worlds between us. People can never seem to be able to just get together and reminisce about the good old times, and not have a care in the world how far each has come on their own. Reconnect at that basic level. We were friends then, why can't we be now? No. Too much changes over the years, apparently. Everything's got to be about something now, we can no longer just sit and have a good time for the sake of the good time. Robert Frost has a beautiful poem, about the simple life, and I think it alludes to our childhood days:

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
...
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.

Just that. The boy goes up trees, swings down them. Goes up another, swings down it. And has the time of his life. We keep hearing people tell us "Simplify!" when we complain about what a drag life has become. How much simpler can it get? If only we could all just be kids again...

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
...
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

END