all these things i hate (revolve around me)

I hate the way you stress the t's in "I hate that,"

which you say eight hundred times a day;

I hate the way when you look at me without the glasses,

I feel like you can see right through me;

I hate the way you're not fazed by kitshcy schmalzy stuff,

and how you're always right;

I hate the way you can dance and I can't,

and that you have all these plans that I don't;

I hate all those awesome moments that pass,

and you're not around to share them with me;

I hate how you're so good at being me,

you make me wanna be you;

I hate it that you almost never need anything,

and that you don't change your mind. Ever!

I hate that I can't stop thinking about your voice,

or how you make me sit and stare at the phone,

like I can somehow will it to ring;

I hate the way you like the songs I do,

and so they remind me of you;

I hate it when you don't call or text,

or when I do and don't know what to say;

That's the other thing:

I hate the way I gag around you.

I hate the way I never see you,

and how there's nothing I can do to change that;

I hate the way I can no longer sleep,

how instead I stay up all night - wishing... hoping...;

I hate that I wanna tell you all these things, but can't;

But the thing I mostly hate

is how you make me fall for you,

without even trying,

without even noticing,

without ever relenting.

END

falling in love (is hard on the knees)

So it's been a slow month at work, something I had never imagined I'd be saying in all my life at that place. So slow, in fact, that management has seen it fit to coerce us to take annual leave. So we don't bother them with it comes the next high cycle next month. Now I'm stuck in the house with nothing to do. And as if that were not enough, I flushed my cellphone down the toilet yesterday morning. Literally, it fell in, didn't see it, flushed, realized much later. I actually went limp around my knees when I discovered. It was like I'd just lost a piece of me. For two years that phone had been like my assistant, my personal diary, my datebook, and, of course, my communication device. You tend to develop a bond, when you hang out together that close for that long. Of course, for normal people, it's with other people. Not phones, like me. Oh, to be normal... {{{wistful sigh}}}

So anyways, I have a friend. Who has an interesting relationship with her boyfriend. They broke up coz ostensibly they couldn't stand each other, but continued doing everything they used to when they were dating. So it's "...just the title that wasn't there..." (her words). Anyway, they apparently got back together, but it gave me an interesting angle. I wouldn't know, but letting go must be a really hard thing to do since no one seems to be able to manage it. It's probably the reason all those women go back to those men who beat them up and/or cheat on them. Or why people say first loves never die. Or why men don't survive old age if their spouse dies before them. What I'm wondering is if there's such a thing as love at first sight, if love can be aroused that easily, then why can't it in turn be just as instantly extinguished. I have a different friend, who broke up with his girlfriend, but he wasn't as lucky as that one above - his continued strong feelings sorta went unrequitted. And even he acknowledged how low he'd sunk - calling everyday to see if anything has changed, grovelling - and how crappy it made him feel when he thought about it later, but he says he just couldn't stop himself. The urge to call was in the moment just too strong to resist, and try as he might, the feelings had refused to go away.

That it's called "falling" in love and not "getting" in love or "going into" love or something like that, would seem to indicate that it's something that happens to us despite our best efforts. No one makes themselves fall, falling is something that happens to us by accident - it's called dropping when you do it willfully. But is that so? Do we really have no control over with whom/when we fall in love. I don't think so. If we really had no control, would people have pictures in their minds of what an ideal partner should look like? or how he should act? Coz that means they won't "fall in love" with just anyone, right? And that whole wooing process, it encourages feelings, does it not? Probably even creates some where there might have been none. So we can influence who we love, and when we love, it seems. And if we can do that, we really oughta also be able to make ourselves stop. Of course, that's assuming someone actually wants to stop. Coz I suppose sometimes we're usually bringing it on ourselves. We put ourselves through that whole torture of single-sided love and then play Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You (Air Supply) over and over again and tell ourselves that we are not alone and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And then when he comes whispering those things we wanna hear, even though they sound so recited and we can probably tell he's doing exactly that - telling us what we want to hear - we go ahead and dupe ourselves into believing he means it and that he's really changed and it's never gonna happen again and blissfully resume where we left off.

I have a third friend. She met her boyfriend in uni, but they didn't "fall in love" right away. Waited four years to do that, and then went ahead and had a baby together (unplanned, but they moved on and reconciled themselves with the fact), and theirs must have been genuine, coz now they're living happily ever after. So I suppose it's not all bad. I'm not gonna presume that all those people who can't/won't make a clean break are douchebags who are weak. There must be things that draw them to the other person still. And those things must be good things. But regardless, if it's that difficult to end it, then falling in love must be pretty hard on the knees.

END

life in marvelous times

I once heard a story about this woman who'd day in day out break her back cooking for her husband, and every day he'd just sit there, eat and go to bed without saying a word. So she'd interpret that to mean maybe her food wasn't good enough, and so the next day she'd try even harder. Eventually she started to get weary, so as a last-ditch effort to get him to notice she hatched out a plan. That day the husband came home and almost died of shock - she'd cooked grass! and served it!! 

"Er, honey," said he. "Is there something wrong today?"

"Of course not, sweetie. What would make think that?" she replied.

"You seem to have mistakenly served grass. It's a little different from what we're used to eating...."

"Really?? Grass? Huh. You never seemed to notice anything I cooked all those other times, I thought this time would be the same! You mean to say you can also tell the difference between good food and bad? Could have fooled me.."

The lesson, of course, was clear: when your wife [or mum, in my case] makes a good meal, say its really nice and thank her. If it's not so good, well, say it's really nice and thank her anyway. The same principle should apply for every principle we live by - gratefulness. There's a lot that's wrong with the world today, if you ask me. All those wars in the Middle East, our current president, and in turn everyone he works with (especially that finance minister who misspells 14.2 billion in the budget - he's asked for one thing! and he can't even do that right), the rapid rate of deforestation and pollution, this so called New World Order (just saw a documentary the other day that said this New World Order was actually the bankers behind US and England leadership plotting to take over the world, that it's them who've engineered that economic collapse over there and that they control Obama even, scary!), frequent droughts, the rising price of oil, together with rate of accidents and car jackings, Ben Stiller movies and all those American Pie-wannabe's, impossible-to-deal-with HMO's... this list is long.  I could go on for a while.

But thing is if you really think about it, for everything that's wrong with the world we have 10 others that rock about it. There's the new Macbook, and the redesigned 4th gen iPod. There's the Altezza and the new 5-series Beamer, Transformers and The Dark Knight, Grey's Anatomy, all those people who champion environmental conservation (Al Gore, Wangari Maathai and one Mukuria Mwangi who's only one degree of separation away from me...), Michael Moore, the Playstation 3, ARV's, capitalism, Samsung, the Companies Act that requires that all limited companies be audited, democracy a la US and France, christianity, rock music and the Fraunhoffer Institute (those  are the guys who created the MP3 format), Brabus, McFry's and Steers and Southern Fried, Acer, HP and Microsoft, mobile telephony, rainy seasons, stand up comedy, stem cell research, choice, Hillary Clinton, Rob Reiner (he made the West Wing and in my books that just makes him a superstar!), wireless internet, wikipedia, 24-hour shopping and all-under-one-roof megastores, Rose (she might not know it, but she makes my days!), Nu Metro (now Silverbird - the most asinine corporate rebranding strategy I've ever seen!!),... ya, this list is also long. I just wanted it to be longer than that other one. :)

We need to be people that appreciate things. We can't just always be about what's wrong. At times it's lighter on the psyche to enjoy the things that are good. It even lengthens our life expectancy. There's a thing about positive energy attracting positive outcomes, and negative energy affecting everything else around you. I think it was in The Alchemist (that fictional book that's now been all but canonized) where the guy was saying something about the Soul of the World detecting what kind of aura you exude, and then treating you in like fashion. So if you're always bright and bubbly, good things come your way. If, on the other hand, you're downcast and pessimistic all the time, then it'll make sure you never run out of things to complain about. Mos Def talks about life as it was and still is - "...this is Bed-Stuy '82, 9th Floor, 3 tiny rooms, one view; Buck Town, Roosevelt House, your green grass is green, our green grass was brown; heavy beef on the streets, ET had to flee; hungry bellies bright gold on their teeth; the windows on the ave look like sad eyes; ends don't meet where arms can't reach; crash landings routinely happen, some survive others never rise from the ashes;.." but then goes on to say "... whatever ya lane, this road called life is a beautiful thing; and we are alive in amazing times....it's scary as hell but there's no doubt in my mind; we can't be alive at no time but NOW!..." and that's a guy who's been through it all.

I am persuaded, whatever comes my way, there can be no better time to be 25 than 2009!

END