Things you do not want to see on the News when you know your sister was travelling back home by road: Night of tears and anguish as 22 die in accident. That was the headline some time last week. For like 10 seconds after I saw that headline and it registered I was freaking out! and then I remembered my sis saying the mum had insisted she travel during the day. Whew! Thank God for over-cautious mothers. But still, the rate at which people are dying in accidents seems to be rising again. And it might be getting to be that time when we might have to really consider if a trip is absolutely necessary before taking it, coz 22 at once is not a small number, and there have been like 10 such accidents in the last 3 months alone. Just last week a colleague of ours was on his way to Naivasha and got hit by a truck in a Vitz - died instantly. But the news came to us piece-meal: "Guy has been involved in accident." two minutes later, "Guy is dead." It's getting really scary. And the worst part is all these accidents, they're PSV's. Almost 90% of the country doesnt own a car, how're we supposed to move around when we can't trust our transport system to get us there in one piece? Literally!
Anyway, that's not why I'm broody, sad, even. I feel like it's the end of an era. It's like a dream has died tonight. There's been this girl, in the back of my mind. She's kind, has loads of common sense, practical, fiesty, catholic, hot-headed, tall, (I wanna say funny coz it seems to fit the general picture, but no, lemme say... dissable), single and beautiful. We like most of the same songs (by now you've noticed that music is almost everything I'm about), and we're at the same place as far as family goes (hers and mine both), she loved Transformers, and we used to be able to talk on end about nothing in particular, I just wasn't looking for anything at the time. But now I'm getting the sense that the spark's fizzled out. Hers, actually, not mine. I've been trynna ask her out for a while and all I keep getting is this cold shoulder. It's never really no, the answer, but then again it's never really yes, either. It's probably just that I'm proud, but I don't think I should have this many questions about where her head's at this early. Or it's yes then just before something else comes up, you know, she gets a stomach ache, or the boss calls, or she has to meet these 1500 other people, or she has to be home by 4... It just, it seems like for her it's a little too easy to put me on the back burner.
All this time my friends tell me I'm selfish and self-absorbed (btw I think they might have a point - I run a whole blog about nothing but myself! OMG!), I realise I am, and not just with my time, with other people's as well. I wanna feel like I'm the most important thing in the world. I can't be the guy you meet when everything else is good and done. I don't think it's too much to ask that if I'm willing to drop everything at a moment's notice when she calls (coz believe me, I have) then she be willing to do the same for me. I've actually been thinking about this for a while, and I've decided it's probably not gonna happen, and I'm writing it here so I believe it. So maybe I can start to move on. There's a mirror in the Harry Potter movies (the Mirror of Araset) that instead of just a reflection shows the person when they're at their happiest, when they've attained their heart's deepest desires. I think if I'd looked in that mirror, I'd have seen myself holding her hand, her head on my shoulder. But like Professor Dumbledore said, it doesn't do to dwell on dreams. This choice is probably gonna kill me later, but I suppose that's how I can tell it's the right one - those are the ones that are never easy.
If you watch enough television, or movies, (and Lord knows I do), you find yourself expecting these neat resolutions. Will the boy get the girl in the end? Will it turn out the way we want it to? Will the good guys win? Will the villain die? We have become addicted to happy endings. To closure. But turns out life, life's all about the ambiguities. The deviations. The little unexpected turns of events that throw you off balance. Sometimes you get the things you want, sometimes you even get more than you asked for, but at other times, not so much. It's actually been said that the only thing certain in life is that you never know what's gonna happen. I don't know about that, me, I'm really just a guy hoping for a happy ending. And, what do you know, Kim Richey is playing: "...I don't have a point to prove/Or a stand to make/I'm just trying to find my way/And a face to wear/And a place to be/In the absence of your company..."
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