it's the only one you've got

This is one of those times when the song just says everything I want to say, so I won't even try to change. It's a really old song I came across yesterday when I was being adventurous with my library by 3 Doors Down. I don't even know how I'd never noticed it before, but I haven't been able to stop playing it since.

How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't

[Chorus:]
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fly
Then I guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only 
One who doesn't

[Chorus]

What would it take
To get you to say that I'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life

You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

I suppose this one's about living. Bringing down the walls. Immersing yourself in the moment. If you're afraid to fly, then I guess you never will. Cut yourself a break - no one's ever perfect. We all make mistakes, we just shouldn't let them define us. Pick yourself up and get right back on that horse. If this is as good as it's gonna get you don't want to be the guy who'll be wishing he'd lived a little when he could. You don't have any other life, this is the one you've been given. Live it, and make it rock! If you think about it, you really don't have any other choice - coz what's the worst that could happen, you could die? Well, that's gonna happen anyway so...


END

through the eyes of a child

When I was nine years old, my parents almost split up. Actually I think they did, but for a week or a week and a half, coz she actually moved out and went to live with a certain neighbour of ours. Those days I was still the oldest, and I didn't really understand what was going on, so I really doubt akina my brother and sister even noticed any such thing. We used to go visit her at the neighbour's in the evenings after school, and then go back home to our father's. Can't remember exactly what they used to tell us when we asked why she was no longer staying with us, but I can remember the pastor and a certain delegation coming over every evening with her [our church at the time my dad was sort of one of the founding members back in '88 - he was good with guitars and stuff so he launched the very first choir when the church was coming up - and it wasn't yet that big, so there as that extra personal touch people got from the leadership], and then they'd lock themselves up in the sitting room and discuss lots of adult stuff laced with prayer, then when it was over she'd go back to the neighbour's till next session next day. Us guys were just glad we were being allowed to play outside after dark - that whole "forbidden fruit" thing. I believe that was my very first experience with counselling, the only one so far.

Despite the fact that I didn't get everything that was going on, I can actually remember the straw that broke the camel's back. See there was these two girls at the time that came to live with us, and they ended up becoming like my parents' adopted children (which was another thing I didn't get), so over time they grew up and became young women, and at some point there must have been some appearance of impropriety, coz the reason my mum left was she gave him an ultimatum ("They go or I go") and he must have refused to kick them out coz ati where were they supposed to go now (errrr, back to their parents' houses - who were still alive, btw) so she figured she wasn't gonna live like that. Anyway, the counselling must have worked, or love for the children must have won out, coz she did come back after that rocky period and the girls didn't even have to move out. Sorta opened my eyes up to the sacrifices parents make for their children. Like I said, I was nine, but I really think no child should have to grow up with two homes, or picking who's their favorite parent (btw, I chose my mother - coz to me it appeared like he hurt her somehow, and he got the house so it only seemed fair that she should get me. that's the mind of a nine year old - chuckle chuckle...)

The thing people never seem to realize is that children see things. Yes they're young, and they may not be able to understand certain concepts, but they see them. And they remember. In that single act, moving out not even knowing where she was going, more than even with the things she says, my mother taught me that you don't have to live with it just because that's the way it goes. You never don't have an option. Those people who say children learn what they live, they're really not kidding. Children see things, and they remember. Of course us people don't talk about it coz it was a long time ago and, well, we're a black family :), but at certain times I dread what if. And then I'm eternally grateful to the Lord it turned out the way it did. There is a certain bliss associated with being a child: the speed with which things slide; the wonder with which we see little things; the comfort we feel when holding a parent's hand; the way we can be sure just like that that it's all going to be ok tomorrow. I mean, here were my parents almost in the middle of getting a divorce, and there we were, playing bows and arrows without a single care. Sometimes I agree, there's not a thing sadder in the world than to wake up Christmas morning and not be a child.

END

crash course in polite conversation

Ya, I know, I'm a little behind on the news, but WHAT! Apparently President Obama called Kanye West a jackass on TV!! Wow! I'd say the evolution of the office has now officially come full circle. Of course being a public office and all apologies from the network were immediately dispatched and the PR clean-up machine went into overdrive saying how it was off-the-record. And then Kelly Clarkson went and wrote the guy (Kanye) an open letter about did he have a lot of emotional problems as a kid? was his mum not kind enough to him? has he led a depraved life?... and I'm thinking, Dude, clearly there's a dis-interface of values here. The guy's as black as they come: doesn't know the meaning of decorum; thinks Fidy[50 Cent, y'all]'s cool for gett'n shot nine times, "He a gangster!"; puts on jeans thrice his actual size, or suits and those Airforce(TM) sneakers; plays Grand Theft Auto and Kingpin: Life of Crime during his free time; plus which, this ain't his first time crashing the awards. And you're gonna what, recommend a hug, or counselling? Ask him to bare his soul? Tell him it's OK to cry, to let it all out? Attribute his un-simpatico disposition to deep-seated emotional problems? Duude! {{{incredulous look on face}}}

But I gotta say, big-ups to the Pres for being real. Helps when you see from people in positions with power of some note show you that we're all just human in the end. And that it's OK to express your shock as you see fit. I just wonder if that "expression of feeling" would be so welcome if it went the other way, say me [a nobody] speaking out against the Vice President [THE somebody]. It might not be applauded, I'm guessing. If I had something less-than-polite to express about the vice president, I'd have to find a respectful way to say it, wouldn't I? Like I can't just up and call him a moron for speaking in a manner likely to infringe on the speaker's independence, right? See people like him should know that because of their office or otherwise (and in his case I'm pretty sure it's exclusively because of the office; I'm doubting if he didn't have that power backing him up people would pay him nearly as much mind) anything they say no matter how insignificant can have far-reaching consequences. When you're the vice president it's not just your personal opinion any more. And so they should sit down and think before they speak, or say anything in public. But he's lucky he did a thing like that in a country like this, where it begins and ends with what tribe you are. Where such misdemeanours simply get let slide as mere "political rhetoric." Where no one's gonna remember anything you do five days later, so it's a good thing the elections come once every five years coz by then, definitely it won't even come up. Totally figures, especially when you consider the fact that it took us 24 years to get so fed up that we overturned an oppressive regime in 2002. Who knows, maybe in another 24....

END

echoes, silence, patience & grace

Day three of yet another power cut. Darkness all over, silence, nothing to do, no one to talk to. Just me and the music. Exactly how I'm used to it being. Do you believe in fate, and destiny? How much of our future can we control? Do you ever wonder how long it takes to change your life, what measure of time is sufficient to be life-altering? Two weeks? A month? An hour? The entire lifetime?

I discovered a building the other day, called Liaison House. I'm gonna remember that name, because there's a company there that I have now added to the other place I'd kill to work in. A friend of mine apparently works there, so that's how I found out things about it: the way they start you off at six times my salary, the kinds of people you get to meet, the exposure to cutting edge technology, travelling all over, no bosses breathing down your neck as long as you deliver, autonomy, open-ended corporate culture, and most of all, the name. You tell people you're from Hewlett-Packard and they shut up and pay attention - you're someone they probably wanna listen to.

I fear, though, that this might turn out to be one of those dreams that sometimes feel really distant, because if a company has only 23 employees, all high-flyers, then you need to be pretty exemplary to get in, right? That can't possibly be for ordinary menfolk like myself, can it? Then there's those other times when I think, why not people like me? What makes them better? "People like me..." What does that even mean anyway? Human nature says when we're apprehensive like that we need someone to stand behind us, and tell us they'll be there to catch us when we fall. A still small voice that tells us we can do it, that we're more than capable. We're made that way, I guess, and that must be why [soccer] teams playing at home rarely lose - coz there's all these people cheering them on and making them feel like they're superman.

The butterfly effect is a concept from chaos theory that goes something like small variations in the initial conditions in a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system [I know, I didn't get any of that either! :)] Basially, a butterfly flaps it's wings in China and through a cascade of chain reactions, the little breeze it created keeps getting stronger till at the other end of the Atlantic a tornado results. Life seems to be all interconnected that way, where no action exists in a vacuum. And so you gotta believe that everything you do here matters, that someday you'll land on something better, something found beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. And that later on, in the grand scheme of things, when you're looking back you'll know: it turned out the way it did because you took the chance when you did.

Companionship. Life often comes rushing at us from out of the darkness. Suddenly. When it does, is there someone in your life you're gonna be able to count on, lean on? Someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall? And in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears alone?

END