forget and not slow down

...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning...

Happiness must be the most frustratingly difficult thing to get a handle on, no? I think so. And not because it's truly elusive, no, but because it's supposed to be that easy. The sun comes up in the morning and everything is supposed to be ay-ok. We're supposed to look at it and thank the Lord for a new day, and go about making a difference like we should have been in the first place. There's nothing required on our part, just to wake up and open our eyes. And yet this couldn't be further from actual reality. The sun's rising is not as carthatic as it's held out to be. In fact far from it. Everyone wakes up with a groan. The new day does not herald new beginnings like we're taught it should. We wake up and its back to the same old drab ways. We do the same things we did yesterday, complain about the same situations, and the sun goes down at the same time, and joy does not come in the morning. You know that ancient Greek story about Atlas and the way Zeus banished him to forever carry the world on his shoulders - literally - well, we seem to all have taken Atlas' burden upon ours. We behave as though if we took a small break the world will fall apart at the seams, right across the board - from the CEO to the guy that cleans the toilets. When it comes to being happy, are we our own worst enemy?

I know I am. It's more I'm a victim of the system than of myself, but really, I put myself in that system. When you do what I do you won't believe how few the days between Easter and Christmas are. And you'll just wake up suddenly one day and find that you're 33 and you can't remember where the 10 years between uni and then went, and you'll have nothing to show for it, except maybe a stellar career. The pressure is such a rush, and I know I complain a lot but with time you actually get addicted to the adrenaline and the deadlines. You become a complete slave of the environment, and you want out, but you can't imagine a world without that feeling that I have to get up today or the world's gonna collapse. Telling you to slow down becomes like telling Jack Bauer to take a desk job.

Im thinking part of it must be our inability to see the future. That makes it possible for us to rationalize to ourselves that tomorrow is going to be a better day. And even if it's not, the pressure will ease up next year. Or in 3 years. And the 3 years come and go and you find that it's only gotten worse. Every day you take on just a little bit more responsibility and you don't give up any and it builds up over time. And sometimes you don't even like what you do. You do it the way everyone else does it - for the mortgage. And we like to tell ourselves that we're the only one who can do what we do, and so if we weren't there it would all come crumbling down. And so God forbid personal gratification should even come into the mix, the rest of humanity is depending on us. Our kids can wait. Our health can wait. That friend we agreed to meet for coffee and catch up this evening, yea, she can wait too.

So it's Christmas next week, and guess what, I'm going to Sudan - to work. Till January! And not even the town part of Sudan, no, that would be too much like a holiday. Way upcountry. Where people sleep in tents and stuff. I haven't been home in a year, and it didn't use to bother me coz, you know, I've been there since I was born and I was still young and all, but now it does. Maybe I should learn to take my own advice. Slow down, breathe deep. Apparently success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success. We need to learn that we're not alone, there's always gonna be someone to take over. Eragon was the hero in that Inheritance Cycle trilogy, and I like the things he thinks about at times, like towards the end of the book 1:

Oddly, on occasion, I sense a peacefulness within. You would think
that after all I have seen—after all I have suffered—my soul would
be a twisted jumble of stress, confusion, and melancholy. Often,
it’s just that.

But then, there is the peace.

I feel it sometimes, as I do now, staring out over the frozen cliffs
and glass mountains in the still of morning, watching a sunrise
that is so majestic that I know that none shall ever be its match.
If there are prophecies, if there is a Hero of Ages, then my mind
whispers that there must be something directing my path. Something
is watching; something cares. These peaceful whispers tell
me a truth I wish very much to believe.

If I fail, another shall come to finish my work.

END