sand in my shoes

Know thyself, presume not God to scan
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
...
A being darkly wise, and rudely great:
...
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or Beast;

That's from the beginning of the second part in An Essay On Man, by Alexander Pope. I think the whole thing was supposed to make us stop trynna understand God because we can't, and just accept life as it is (or refocus our attentions to understanding ourselves). Basically, because we're where we are, and not somewhere worse, whatever IS, is right. (Like Morpheus in The Matrix after they'd just come from the Merovingian and he'd refused to give them the Keymaker | Neo: Well that didn't go so well...; Morpheus: No, whatever happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way.; Neo: How do you know?; Morpheus: We are still alive.)

We're not built to be supreme beings, us humans. We need others around us to validate our status. We need people to put us up on a pedestal and tell us we're just the ones. We need that exultation to come from other quarters so we can believe it. Because each one of us, deep down inside, knows we're not Superman. We know we have many more weaknesses than just Kryptonite. We know we can be hurt in many more places than just our heels. We're hesitant to put ourselves firmly in any category because we know; we know that we're far from being excellent. When we really look at a mirror, we can always tell, we may have strengths but we have frailties as well. We may have faith and hope, but we have limits to our capacities as well. And over the years, these shortfalls build up over each other, and they weigh down on us if we think about them too much.

I have a brilliant, eclectic mind, but I'm not Steve Jobs. I can write code, and create websites and learn new languages on the fly, but I'm not Idd Salim (I know him from high school - his views rock, btw). I'm funny sarcastic, but I'm not Chandler (or Leo from The West Wing). I'm a hunk (read tall dark and deadly, yes rockhead, I insist!) but I'm not whatshisname. I sin but I'm not the Devil. I play guitar but I'm no Carlos Santana. I have a pure heart, but I'm not a saint. I'm a good person, but I'm not an Angel. When I walk, I dono how it happens but I always manage to get sand/little pebbles into my shoes. And mud on my trousers if it's rained. I've even contemplated tucking them into my socks sometimes, but that would be unseemly.

I'm peculiar in my own way. I guess those little differences are what makes me who I am. I can't swim like the Dunford brothers can, I can't sing like Eric Wainaina can, I can't play music like my brother can, I can't analyze world events like the Tinman can, I'm not as kind as some of my friends are, I don't love unconditionally like my sister does, and I'm not as good a christian as Nancy is. I can never remember to comb my hair, or cut my nails. I cannot stand people messing with my stuff and misplacing it; I sort of have CDO on that (it's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order - like they should be) I don't remember birthdays, and I don't know how to pick gifts for people, even people I "know really well." I'm selfish and I'm impatient, and I'm difficult to deal with at times coz it's my way or the highway. 

I'm imperfect. I'm human. But I'm happy. Being happy doesn't mean everything's OK. It means you've decided to see past life's imperfections. It means everything sucks and you're still doing just fine. Life becomes precious and more special to us when we look for the little everyday miracles and get excited about the privileges of simply being alive. Because when I take a step back and really look at things, I see how amazing life truly is. And that maybe, just maybe, I like being unperfect. Because that way, there's always a better place to aspire towards. There's always room at the top to improve. It's the most beautiful thing about the uncertainty: when I'm not perfect and I know it, I have nothing left to lose. Then I'm not afraid to try. Anything's possible. My fate is not cast in stone. Hope springs eternal.

END