somewhere a clock is ticking

Elation is a strong feeling. An exhilarating psychological state of pride and optimism; an absence of depression. That's what I'm feeling, finally, now that the reality of the events of this past weekend has waned in my mind. Elation over the new job. I've done the resignation thing at my old one [most seminal letter I've written since high school], I've filled in the forms HR requires all new hires to fill, and now it's just but a matter of time. Haven't cleared yet, but I don't think that's gonna be very hard. And if it is I won't notice - I'll be just so jazzed I'm leaving. So today I find out that guess what, there's five other people also coincidentally leaving at the same time as me. Wow! One of the managers even commented "They're dropping like flies!" 

If there's something this whole experience is teaching me, from talking to guys around, is that job satisfaction gets more and more important the more someone works. At first, when you've just started out, it's usually all about the money. And so you're blind to many of the faults that may already exist in the system, and so no one bothers to fix said system and these cracks persist; or grow larger. But as time goes on, the haze occasioned by the promise of a salary at the end of every month lifts and you start to see the place for what it really is. And you start to ask yourself if you maybe don't deserve better. And then you realise that you do and that's the point you decide you want out.

Us people have a system predicated on the fact that the mystique created [by management, btw] around this so called "experience" will keep people in long enough that by the time they're leaving it won't matter because successors will have been adequately groomed. My personal feeling is that the concept is sometimes overrated. I don't really see the difference between 2 year and 3 years experience, which is one of the reasons for me the decision to move was an easy one [we're typically expected to start moving after 3-4 years. I'm moving at the end of year 2]

Anyway, I'm really hoping us guys who're leaving will galvanize HR to start treating their people better and to fix some of the cracks that have been pointed out time and time again with our system. So that then our leaving will have been, not just for our own individual benefits, but for a greater good as well. Then we'll become sort of like martyrs. That would uber-cool. But even failing that, I'm still sure that once my time here is up, I'm going to be the happiest person in the world regardless.

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i love you but i've chosen darkness

I've seen a lot of nonsense over the years, from family and friends alike, and I'm the kind that tends to always want to believe the best in people so my expectations are always high. But I don't think I've ever been as disappointed in anyone as I was today. My idiot little brother went and got himself arrested by the police for the very same reason we've been speaking about since he was 4, and about which I thought a lot of progress had been made over the last few years: respect of people's property. It appears this time he chose the wrong woman whose stuff to play around with - she just happened to be a private investigator so luck wasn't on his side. She set a trap for him, came with the cops and had him arrested. He actually spent a night in there, and the whole of today. I meanwhile spent the whole day trying to get him out - meaning I ended up having to buy that woman a whole new video camera, coz I have to assume that fool lost it and he's just lying to everyone like he usually does. And my dad was such a doll - he flew in in about 50mins to help handle things later in the day as soon as I told him.

So no sooner has he chucked than he starts sending everyone all those messages about how today what I've seen has opened my eyes to the ways of my life, ooohhh I'm never going to behave the way I've been again, ooohhh I went through this I went through that. You know that crap annoys me even more, because this seems to be his only strong suite: apologising and committing to change. We've been here so many times before I can't even count them - he does something bad, something bad happens to him and then he says it's a wake-up call and he'll completely change. And he's the kind you can never tell when he's telling the truth and when he's not. And we've spent like a whole year without any incidents (although clearly not because this fiasco started last October, we just didn't know about it until yesterday) so that makes this seem that much worse - that we all thought so much progress had been made we'd even started trusting him again. Only for him to go slap all of us in the face and take us back right where we started 10 year ago. Just like that.

I can't for the life of me figure why it's not as obvious to him as it is to everyone else that the way he's living his life will end him up in ruins. Why he can only see the error of his ways in hindsight, never before he goes and messes up. And I don't know how many screw ups it'll take for him to learn and clean up his act. It's not that he doesn't know, he knows - you should really hear this boy making amends. What I do know, however, is that this for me was it. I've decided I won't spend my whole life worrying about someone who so clearly doesn't worry about himself. And I won't be taken advantage of. You know that unconditional love for families I was talking about? Ya, I don't think it's so unconditional any more - people just never reach its breaking point.

Remember when I first got the job many people would kill for, and then the dream went and changed so I started looking again, well today the other thing that happened is that I got the new dream job [thank you Lord!] - and it's really one of those ones [not just many people] everyone would kill for. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I can't even celebrate coz I'm on a massive downer. My hands aren't constantly shaking with joy like they should be; my heart's not doing cartwheels or skipping beats. All I'm thinking about is why it had to be me that got a brother like him. And that if I could walk away today I probably would. I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong, but this is one of those things you can't conjecture. You have to go through it to understand. Choosing the right path is never easy; it's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. So all I can do is ask that God takes care of that boy, because if this doesn't wake him up I don't know what will. But me... I honestly think I'm done. I love him but this time I'm choosing darkness.

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lifetime piling up

I am now ready to admit - chronicling is not an easy thing to do with consistency. Especially a life as gripping oft-uninspired as mine. And especially when you're waiting for big things to happen that just don't seem to be coming through. And also in May (for some reason May's always been a writer's block month for me - still trynna figure out why. It's possible I may publish a paper when I do :) Anyway, I'm doing this new thing where I face my fears (except for karaoke and dancing - which I swear is a physical thing, I really can't sing or dance)

Most times, to most people, change is not a very welcome thing. Most people will spend their last breath fighting to maintain the status quo. Most times, even when it's for the better, people will resist change just for its own sake, me included. Most times. But this is one of those rarest of moments when I'm actually trying to seek it out. We moved offices to a (much further from everywhere important, less safe, less glamorous, less accessible) much less congested address that we own, as opposed to renting where everyone else is. Gotta say, tho, thumbs up to the firm for creating the new premises - those offices are such a trade-up (everything I just said about the location regardless).

But that's about all. They're trying to do this thing where everyone sits everywhere so that people from every department can get to know everyone else, but I don't think that part's working out very well - people just sit where other people they know are seated. None of the work processes has changed. None of the last minute rush mentality has changed. The virtues of work-till-you-drop-and-then-stand-up-and-continue-working are still being extolled all over. And none of the drabness I've been sensing lately has waned. It's really just old wine in a new wineskin.

So I want to move. Departments, companies, whatever. And now I want it really badly. Every passing day just underscores this for me. We're going through annual reviews as we speak, and I'm sure I'm going to come out shining - which is how I know I now fit the definition of a professional. The magic's just not there any more. I guess you could say we're past the honeymoon phase and now we're all about finding fault with each other, me and my job. I don't want to sound ungrateful - it's much better than not having a job at all. In fact, it's much better than having most kinds of jobs out there. But I also don't wanna settle just for the sake. It's always been OK to dream, right? So I'm dreaming.

I don't like change, just like everyone else. It freaks me out too. But I'm finding that even more than that, I reeeally don't like stasis. Sharks are of necessity among the most active creatures. Legend has it if they stop swimming, they die. I feel as though I've stopped swimming, and I think I might be a little like sharks that way. And I'm really hoping that God is still on my side, coz my shoulders aren't big enough for burdens like this one. Johann Franck wrote a splendid verse around 1650 in German whose English translation I think is actually better:

I defy the old Dragon

I defy the jaws of death

I defy fear as well!

The world may rage and quake

But I remain singing in

perfect peace.

God's might takes care of me

earth and abyss must fall silent

however much they rumble on.

It sounds a little dramatic, I know, but I'm really just trynna conquer life one mountain at a time. Except the mountains keep getting bigger and bigger. Myles Munroe says you can tell a vision is worth its mettle when you know in your heart of hearts it's too big for just you alone to handle. Well my vision is change. A completely different path than the one I'm on currently. And right now I think it's grand enough.

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