lifetime piling up

I am now ready to admit - chronicling is not an easy thing to do with consistency. Especially a life as gripping oft-uninspired as mine. And especially when you're waiting for big things to happen that just don't seem to be coming through. And also in May (for some reason May's always been a writer's block month for me - still trynna figure out why. It's possible I may publish a paper when I do :) Anyway, I'm doing this new thing where I face my fears (except for karaoke and dancing - which I swear is a physical thing, I really can't sing or dance)

Most times, to most people, change is not a very welcome thing. Most people will spend their last breath fighting to maintain the status quo. Most times, even when it's for the better, people will resist change just for its own sake, me included. Most times. But this is one of those rarest of moments when I'm actually trying to seek it out. We moved offices to a (much further from everywhere important, less safe, less glamorous, less accessible) much less congested address that we own, as opposed to renting where everyone else is. Gotta say, tho, thumbs up to the firm for creating the new premises - those offices are such a trade-up (everything I just said about the location regardless).

But that's about all. They're trying to do this thing where everyone sits everywhere so that people from every department can get to know everyone else, but I don't think that part's working out very well - people just sit where other people they know are seated. None of the work processes has changed. None of the last minute rush mentality has changed. The virtues of work-till-you-drop-and-then-stand-up-and-continue-working are still being extolled all over. And none of the drabness I've been sensing lately has waned. It's really just old wine in a new wineskin.

So I want to move. Departments, companies, whatever. And now I want it really badly. Every passing day just underscores this for me. We're going through annual reviews as we speak, and I'm sure I'm going to come out shining - which is how I know I now fit the definition of a professional. The magic's just not there any more. I guess you could say we're past the honeymoon phase and now we're all about finding fault with each other, me and my job. I don't want to sound ungrateful - it's much better than not having a job at all. In fact, it's much better than having most kinds of jobs out there. But I also don't wanna settle just for the sake. It's always been OK to dream, right? So I'm dreaming.

I don't like change, just like everyone else. It freaks me out too. But I'm finding that even more than that, I reeeally don't like stasis. Sharks are of necessity among the most active creatures. Legend has it if they stop swimming, they die. I feel as though I've stopped swimming, and I think I might be a little like sharks that way. And I'm really hoping that God is still on my side, coz my shoulders aren't big enough for burdens like this one. Johann Franck wrote a splendid verse around 1650 in German whose English translation I think is actually better:

I defy the old Dragon

I defy the jaws of death

I defy fear as well!

The world may rage and quake

But I remain singing in

perfect peace.

God's might takes care of me

earth and abyss must fall silent

however much they rumble on.

It sounds a little dramatic, I know, but I'm really just trynna conquer life one mountain at a time. Except the mountains keep getting bigger and bigger. Myles Munroe says you can tell a vision is worth its mettle when you know in your heart of hearts it's too big for just you alone to handle. Well my vision is change. A completely different path than the one I'm on currently. And right now I think it's grand enough.

END