the tide that left and never came back

This is probably one of the 50 most clichéd sentiments out there, but hell, it's true for me: I've never been very good at goodbyes. Mostly it's coz I don't get as attached as other people do. To places, to people, to things. I'm an out-of-mind-out-of-sight guy. So making a clean break is almost never a big deal. Today was my last day in the office as an employee. Officially anyway, in my mind the beginning of the end came a long time ago when I handed in that resignation. After that it was really all just a matter of time. Been thinking about the things I'll miss the most about that place. And I've come up with a surprisingly short list.

The people. My department (or service line as they call them) was the largest. They used to huddle us in this open hall six sizes too small with a bench-table running all across the center and the edges, so we literally used to share everything. Made finding space a biatch if you come later than 6 in the morning, but it made it that much easier for us to get to know each other. I've met some brilliant minds there. People who sharpened me, and people who tested me and helped broaden my boundaries. Funny people. Happy people. Dissociable people. Sensitive people. According to the HR manual, its people are its most valuable resource. There I agree with them.

The freedom. You could almost never catch someone butting their nose into your business. As long as you were delivering when you were supposed to be, it mattered very little that you skipped the odd Monday. Or that you cut out early thrice every week. The times when you weren't on an assignment were really your own to a very large extent. It's how I survived two years having gone on leave only once, and even then it was forced leave. Here it also helped that we were so many and no one had a desk assigned to them, so to notice you're missing someone had to specifically be looking for you. As far as 9 to 5's go, I think  external audit will be pretty hard to beat.

The attitude. You tell someone you're from a  Big Four firm and immediately they shut up and pay attention! You're probably someone they wanna listen to. While you're on the client's turf you're a God. You're supposed to be the catch-all know-all who'll have the solution to all their problems. It works numbers on the self esteem. You're an outsider so the rules that bind everyone else don't really apply to you. You can walk up to anyone anytime and ask them anything and not fear intimidation because they're not really your boss. Plus there's that whole aura - We're the external auditors. It's like we're from the FBI, you know? Anything we want we get. [most times it wasn't like that, but every once in a while we used to hit pay dirt].

Traditionally, when someone is leaving there's an email we send out with our last words. Some people use a form letter, but I, being me, chose to do my own, on my own terms. In it, I wrote to the management that I would forever be grateful that they took the chance on me. And that part I meant. I was as green as they come when they hired me. They took a bet and it paid off, for them and for me. There's all these things I liked about the place, and then there's all these things that made me want to down the tools and walk away. It's duality, like Charles Dickens described in A Tale of Two Cities: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.

I used to dream about the day I'd leave. It would be dramatic, like something out of a movie. I'd be the last person, I'd take a long, pensive look around, then I'd breathe deep, shut off the lights and there would be complete darkness; and then I'd close the door behind me. And just like that, a chapter in my life would be closed. Well, it didn't happen exactly like that. I guess I'll have to save that for next time. Although the way I'm feeling about this new job, that won't be very soon.

END

the hero dies in this one

Do things sometimes happen in your life that lead you to both believe in and question the existence of a Higher Power, if not straight out God? Today I'm going to bed having had my faith in the benevolence of God renewed; but with one or two caveats.

My father was on his way to Nairobi earlier in the day, and he almost died in road accident. There was a bus behind his car and another car in front of it. The bus suddenly pulled out to overtake without having looked to ensure the road was clear, and then after pulling out noticed an oncoming truck. So the truck swerves to avoid the bus, and the truck driver notices he's going off the road so he then swerves back and ends up having overcompensated. Momentum causes his trailer to tip over taking the whole truck with it and it falls all across the road. So my dad's car only just managed to stop before ramming into the fallen trailer. The other car that was in front, not so lucky. And [how sad!] the truck driver died on the spot. As did the guy in the other car. Meanwhile, the bus which was the cause of the entire fracas - got away Scott free.

I don't want to sound like an ingrate. My dad survived and right now that's really all that matters to me. But how does something like that happen? This truck driver had absolutely no mistake. He was just going about his way; even went out of his own way to avoid hitting the errant bus driver, and yet he's the one that ends up dying. Does that sound fair at all? I'm sure the guy had a family too - what are they to think once they learn how things went down? [no pun intended] I'm not saying some lives are worth more than others - I'm just thinking it doesn't seem in order for someone to pay for another's mistakes. With their life no less. You know the realities of frailty of life never hit home like at such times - when one of your own gets involved. 

Just five kilometers per hour more than their speed was and this story could have been completely different for me. I grew up seeing my father as invincible. A survivor. Someone who'd just always be there, would probably even outlast me. And then a day like today happens and a major spanner is thrown in the works. But God did come through for us so we're going to praise him. I wonder, though, if the truck driver's family will have the strength/grace to still praise Him. I really don't know if I would. My father lived today, but a seemingly good man died. I think ambivalence does not begin to describe this feeling.

END

somewhere a clock is ticking

Elation is a strong feeling. An exhilarating psychological state of pride and optimism; an absence of depression. That's what I'm feeling, finally, now that the reality of the events of this past weekend has waned in my mind. Elation over the new job. I've done the resignation thing at my old one [most seminal letter I've written since high school], I've filled in the forms HR requires all new hires to fill, and now it's just but a matter of time. Haven't cleared yet, but I don't think that's gonna be very hard. And if it is I won't notice - I'll be just so jazzed I'm leaving. So today I find out that guess what, there's five other people also coincidentally leaving at the same time as me. Wow! One of the managers even commented "They're dropping like flies!" 

If there's something this whole experience is teaching me, from talking to guys around, is that job satisfaction gets more and more important the more someone works. At first, when you've just started out, it's usually all about the money. And so you're blind to many of the faults that may already exist in the system, and so no one bothers to fix said system and these cracks persist; or grow larger. But as time goes on, the haze occasioned by the promise of a salary at the end of every month lifts and you start to see the place for what it really is. And you start to ask yourself if you maybe don't deserve better. And then you realise that you do and that's the point you decide you want out.

Us people have a system predicated on the fact that the mystique created [by management, btw] around this so called "experience" will keep people in long enough that by the time they're leaving it won't matter because successors will have been adequately groomed. My personal feeling is that the concept is sometimes overrated. I don't really see the difference between 2 year and 3 years experience, which is one of the reasons for me the decision to move was an easy one [we're typically expected to start moving after 3-4 years. I'm moving at the end of year 2]

Anyway, I'm really hoping us guys who're leaving will galvanize HR to start treating their people better and to fix some of the cracks that have been pointed out time and time again with our system. So that then our leaving will have been, not just for our own individual benefits, but for a greater good as well. Then we'll become sort of like martyrs. That would uber-cool. But even failing that, I'm still sure that once my time here is up, I'm going to be the happiest person in the world regardless.

END

i love you but i've chosen darkness

I've seen a lot of nonsense over the years, from family and friends alike, and I'm the kind that tends to always want to believe the best in people so my expectations are always high. But I don't think I've ever been as disappointed in anyone as I was today. My idiot little brother went and got himself arrested by the police for the very same reason we've been speaking about since he was 4, and about which I thought a lot of progress had been made over the last few years: respect of people's property. It appears this time he chose the wrong woman whose stuff to play around with - she just happened to be a private investigator so luck wasn't on his side. She set a trap for him, came with the cops and had him arrested. He actually spent a night in there, and the whole of today. I meanwhile spent the whole day trying to get him out - meaning I ended up having to buy that woman a whole new video camera, coz I have to assume that fool lost it and he's just lying to everyone like he usually does. And my dad was such a doll - he flew in in about 50mins to help handle things later in the day as soon as I told him.

So no sooner has he chucked than he starts sending everyone all those messages about how today what I've seen has opened my eyes to the ways of my life, ooohhh I'm never going to behave the way I've been again, ooohhh I went through this I went through that. You know that crap annoys me even more, because this seems to be his only strong suite: apologising and committing to change. We've been here so many times before I can't even count them - he does something bad, something bad happens to him and then he says it's a wake-up call and he'll completely change. And he's the kind you can never tell when he's telling the truth and when he's not. And we've spent like a whole year without any incidents (although clearly not because this fiasco started last October, we just didn't know about it until yesterday) so that makes this seem that much worse - that we all thought so much progress had been made we'd even started trusting him again. Only for him to go slap all of us in the face and take us back right where we started 10 year ago. Just like that.

I can't for the life of me figure why it's not as obvious to him as it is to everyone else that the way he's living his life will end him up in ruins. Why he can only see the error of his ways in hindsight, never before he goes and messes up. And I don't know how many screw ups it'll take for him to learn and clean up his act. It's not that he doesn't know, he knows - you should really hear this boy making amends. What I do know, however, is that this for me was it. I've decided I won't spend my whole life worrying about someone who so clearly doesn't worry about himself. And I won't be taken advantage of. You know that unconditional love for families I was talking about? Ya, I don't think it's so unconditional any more - people just never reach its breaking point.

Remember when I first got the job many people would kill for, and then the dream went and changed so I started looking again, well today the other thing that happened is that I got the new dream job [thank you Lord!] - and it's really one of those ones [not just many people] everyone would kill for. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I can't even celebrate coz I'm on a massive downer. My hands aren't constantly shaking with joy like they should be; my heart's not doing cartwheels or skipping beats. All I'm thinking about is why it had to be me that got a brother like him. And that if I could walk away today I probably would. I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong, but this is one of those things you can't conjecture. You have to go through it to understand. Choosing the right path is never easy; it's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. So all I can do is ask that God takes care of that boy, because if this doesn't wake him up I don't know what will. But me... I honestly think I'm done. I love him but this time I'm choosing darkness.

END

lifetime piling up

I am now ready to admit - chronicling is not an easy thing to do with consistency. Especially a life as gripping oft-uninspired as mine. And especially when you're waiting for big things to happen that just don't seem to be coming through. And also in May (for some reason May's always been a writer's block month for me - still trynna figure out why. It's possible I may publish a paper when I do :) Anyway, I'm doing this new thing where I face my fears (except for karaoke and dancing - which I swear is a physical thing, I really can't sing or dance)

Most times, to most people, change is not a very welcome thing. Most people will spend their last breath fighting to maintain the status quo. Most times, even when it's for the better, people will resist change just for its own sake, me included. Most times. But this is one of those rarest of moments when I'm actually trying to seek it out. We moved offices to a (much further from everywhere important, less safe, less glamorous, less accessible) much less congested address that we own, as opposed to renting where everyone else is. Gotta say, tho, thumbs up to the firm for creating the new premises - those offices are such a trade-up (everything I just said about the location regardless).

But that's about all. They're trying to do this thing where everyone sits everywhere so that people from every department can get to know everyone else, but I don't think that part's working out very well - people just sit where other people they know are seated. None of the work processes has changed. None of the last minute rush mentality has changed. The virtues of work-till-you-drop-and-then-stand-up-and-continue-working are still being extolled all over. And none of the drabness I've been sensing lately has waned. It's really just old wine in a new wineskin.

So I want to move. Departments, companies, whatever. And now I want it really badly. Every passing day just underscores this for me. We're going through annual reviews as we speak, and I'm sure I'm going to come out shining - which is how I know I now fit the definition of a professional. The magic's just not there any more. I guess you could say we're past the honeymoon phase and now we're all about finding fault with each other, me and my job. I don't want to sound ungrateful - it's much better than not having a job at all. In fact, it's much better than having most kinds of jobs out there. But I also don't wanna settle just for the sake. It's always been OK to dream, right? So I'm dreaming.

I don't like change, just like everyone else. It freaks me out too. But I'm finding that even more than that, I reeeally don't like stasis. Sharks are of necessity among the most active creatures. Legend has it if they stop swimming, they die. I feel as though I've stopped swimming, and I think I might be a little like sharks that way. And I'm really hoping that God is still on my side, coz my shoulders aren't big enough for burdens like this one. Johann Franck wrote a splendid verse around 1650 in German whose English translation I think is actually better:

I defy the old Dragon

I defy the jaws of death

I defy fear as well!

The world may rage and quake

But I remain singing in

perfect peace.

God's might takes care of me

earth and abyss must fall silent

however much they rumble on.

It sounds a little dramatic, I know, but I'm really just trynna conquer life one mountain at a time. Except the mountains keep getting bigger and bigger. Myles Munroe says you can tell a vision is worth its mettle when you know in your heart of hearts it's too big for just you alone to handle. Well my vision is change. A completely different path than the one I'm on currently. And right now I think it's grand enough.

END

signed, sealed and delivered

I wonder how I don't write about my job more often. I have one of those jobs that takes so much out of you it literally becomes your life (hadi we're advised by management to move into those flats just behind the office). Ya, I'm a fun loving, card carrying, masochistic live-in-the-office, fagonistic (obviously that's the opinion of a playahater!), soon upwardly mobile external auditor. I don't think we're really into fake agony btw, the agony is real. You go from one high to the next and there's almost never a break in between, unless you're one of the lucky ones who didn't clear exams while you were in uni so twice a year you get like six weeks off study leave to go do them. And then when it's all said and done, you have to go to Sudan over the holidays - the one break everyone should be guaranteed!

For guys like me, 31st March and 30th April are very important dates. Those are the two days on which CBK requires that banks file all of their annual returns (March) and the Commissioner of Insurance that insurers file all of theirs (April). That's why we call January to April our "busy season". As with everything else Kenyan, those statements are never ready until the very last day as required by said regulators. This week has been one such occasion. Since Friday was the deadline for insurers, basically from Tuesday we used to go work clearing up minute outstanding issues late into the night, I actually remember leaving at 4AM on I think it was Wednesday. And then come Friday itself, just as I was jubilantly walking out at 6, happy that all this stuff is behind me now, in come more returns for signature and stuff. And just like that it's back to the office till 10. You ever asked yourself why you didn't leave just five minutes earlier like you'd wanted to? I know I have. Anyway, I did go back. And I did get them all signed. And sealed. And delivered. 

Let me tell you about the sense of achievement that comes with completing something that took everything out of you - it's an exhilarating feeling. It's like you're suddenly so light you can fly. You don't even want to go and sleep for the rest of your life like you've been thinking about all week. All of a sudden you start to notice - hey, look! they've put up a new flower garden here - somewhere you've been walking past everyday for the last month. I'm not saying the sun shines brighter, (that seems reserved for when you fall in love :) but there is such a noticeable change in the collective attitudes of everyone around. We all breathe a sigh of relief, and suddenly the world's a better place again. 

Those moments sometimes tend to make it all worth it, like today. But like I said, it never really ends. One high to the next without a break in between, that seems to be what we're all about. We don't know any different.

END

ashes of dreams you let die

So I hadn't mentioned it, but I finally got to go home over Easter. It was so much fun. Plus that pseudo-sister of ours who moved to Dubai came back. Didn't bring me a Nano(TM) like we'd spoken about but I'm sure I'll live. My parents seemed very pleased to see me, even tho we're constantly meeting here when they're in town, so naturally the big admonitions began, after all the welcome home's were over. Why don't I come more often? How much do I know about our stuff, and our family's possessions? If anything were to happen to them today do I know I'd have to take over things? (God forbid!) The answer was silent, pensive thought on every count.

Then the story gradually segued to childhood, and how we all grew up. Can I just say at this point that if your parents didn't do anything catastrophic to you like kick you out when you were 12 or refuse to lipa school for you then you need to respect them, and approach them with reverence. You know us kids never get to find out how much our parents give up just so they can bring us up and enable us live the kind of life we want to. And it's not just that freedom of ati now they have kids so they can't just up and move to Egypt, no. I'm talking about actual dreams and ambitions. See once they get us then it stops being just about them. They have to ensure a certain measure of security is maintained at all times. They've got more than just themselves to answer for and they can't afford to take certain risks any more. They now have to take better care of themselves, because they owe it to us to be around for as long as we need them. They have to start thinking about where they want us to go, and start laying down foundations that'll help get us there. Sometimes they might even have to change their friends (this nice lady said something very interesting to the parents in church the other week-that if they want to "...make sure your kids have good friends? Have some good friends yourself, and then let your kids play with their kids.")

This is what I've gathered from talking to mine. My mom once wanted to be a writer. She was already very good at the languages, and she'd already done literature and stuff at A-levels. My father wanted to be an electrical engineer. He's also pretty good at music and instruments and had a 'fro like The Supremes back in the '80s. Those life paths couldn't be further from what they do now. I don't think we were entirely the cause for that, there were other contributory factors too, and I'm not saying they're not happy or satisfied with the way things turned out, I'm just saying I realize now that parents do a lot more for us than just feed and clothe us. They make such selfless choices where we're concerned and don't even ask us to recognize. And then when we turn round and hate them for demanding more out of us, for wanting the best for us, they don't throw up their hands and say "Hey, at least I tried." they just keep on giving and keep on giving until we need no more.

So for the gift of life; for all the sacrifices made on our behalf; for all the bullets bitten coz of us, without complaint; for never giving up on us, and cheering us on even when no one else did;  for the late nights travelling so we could see you; for all the miracles made every Christmas; for all the lessons learned; for the people that we've become, here's a special shoutout to all the parents out there. Especially mine. You're an amazing group of people, and we children don't say that nearly enough. But we're getting better at it. Gratitude is one of those things that's a lot like beauty - it grows greater over time. As Tupac said it: ...There's no way I could pay you back/But my plan is to show you that I understand/You are appreciated...

END

harder than the first time

I can't lay claim to being the most civically responsible of citizens. But every once in a while something usually happens that makes even a Guy Like Me wake up and start asking questions. The proposed draft constitution is just such a thing (the other, of course, being a general election). In the midst of all this white noise, I decided I'd read for myself this time and I wouldn't get all my stories from (blind, emotionally charged) outside quarters. And I just don't see it. So the Kadhi's courts are mentioned, so what?? Their jurisdiction is SO limited! First both parties need to openly profess the muslim religion, and then only in matters of personal identity, inheritance, marriage and divorce. Right there, Christians, and everyone else really, are by definition excluded from these provisions. And it says so right at the top of the draft: State and religion shall be separate. There shall be no state religion. The constitution shall treat all religions equally. I really don't see how the mention of muslim in the sentence "...The jurisdiction of a Kadhi’s court shall extend to the determination of questions of Muslim law relating to personal status, marriage, divorce or inheritance in proceedings in which all the parties profess the Muslim religion." somehow elevates Islam above every other religion. This guy I know puts it very eloquently: your own light does not shine brighter through you extinguishing that of your neighbor's.

Anyway, I'm thinking everyone should just read and evaluate the draft on its own merit individually, and vote with their own conscience. And vote on the issues - none of that orange-banana nonsense. Those who can't read should find someone they trust (probably not their MP) to explain stuff to them - otherwise if we keep treating the country like it's full of illiterates, it's gonna stay that way. For each his own vote, that's just how I see it.

So the job I'd applied for, they called me for one of those aptitude tests. End of last week. Man, was that some test! I left saying whoever passes that exam is gonna deserve that job (of course by faith it's gonna be me so.) Now I'm completely unable to think about anything else. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't shore up enough faculties to do anything start to finish without having to start over at some point. I know, I've already done the test. I can't change my answers now. If something is somehow wrong it's gonna stay wrong. But that letting go, this time it doesn't seem to be in my fabric. Which explains why I'm watching baseball - I'm seeking inspiration. It's not very interesting, in fact it's downright boring (see number 3) in every way but one: you know that guy that hits the ball, (called, not shockingly, the hitter!) at that moment, when he's standing there watching the pitcher (again, not shockingly, that's the guy who pitches the ball); waiting for him to pitch it, there's nothing else on his mind, except that ball. He looks at exactly one place, and focuses on exactly one thing. That's how home-runs are scored. By locking out every distraction, by forgetting all of the unrelated trivialities, by concentrating on the ball and only the ball, the hitter hits his way into the baseball hall of fame. I need to find my hitting moment and just clear my head until those results come out.

END

faster than the speed of night

Things that take 15 minutes: from home (Mumias) to the next town at 60MPH; Wilco's Less Than You Think; cooking Santa Lucia spaghetti; Martin Luther King, Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech; Andy Warhol's record-setting auction at Christie's; a half-litre tub of ice cream to completely melt at room temperature. Short-lived, fleeting fame is called 15 minutes of fame. It also takes 15 minutes for hijackers to completely clean you out when they jack your car at end month, depending on how far from the bank you live. A friend of mine was jacked last week, and it happened to her exactly that way. They took her just as she was driving into their compound (it seems the watchman let them in) and suddenly she sees two people one with a gun. They get in, drive off with her, first to the bank to get all her cash, then they wait till next day to get the rest, then they went with her very far from town and left her by the streets and went with her car. Because this was week 1, plus the week after Easter weekend, you need to understand that when I say they took everything I mean literally everything. None of her bills was paid, her shopping wasn't done, and she hadn't even paid the rent.

Then the most amazing thing happened - she mentioned it to one or two of her closest friends in the office (and told me too somehow - I have those like large ears and I ask questions) and then it spread through the grapevine, and all of a sudden there was all these people stepping up offering to help. You know, giving cash, in kind, whatever. Everyone was so nice and helpful, right from her landlady giving her an extension on the rent. She never even had to ask, guys were just volunteering. Plus the cops actually found her car in a day. I happened to be with her when she was receiving part of the cash, and I remember exclaiming "Wow, you've got a strong support group!" And I really did think so. Our setup is sort of like a school in the sense that every year they hire many new people so we have lots based on year hired so people are obviously closer with guys their own lot, and she's from the lot two years ahead of mine (but we're still friends) so I may have assumed her lot have organized themselves into a sort of chamma or something and that's where all that stuff is coming from.

What I didn't realise, was that there was no such thing. They were just people helping out another person because they could. Turns out that so called "support group" was really just people like me. So I finally looked for her and asked how I could be of help, and I felt much better after that. All day yesterday I was actually beating myself up over having not gotten it sooner. See I grew up self-sufficient, so while I'm not overly stingy, if someone doesn't ask for something I just go ahead and assume it's coz they don't need it so I don't offer. Or at least I used not to. I'm getting better but some situations clearly still fall through the cracks. She was telling me that thing just started as a joke and she's such a good sport so she was laughing with everyone about it like a day after it happened. She could not have thought the guys were actually being serious until the stuff started trickling in. And I was like, ya, people can surprise you that way sometimes. Truth is, they surprised even me. Human beings have an unyielding capacity for love. Maybe not all of us have, but those that do inspire those of us who don't. And I can only hope that one day I'll reach that place where I'll actually be the one coming up with the initiatives. Where reaching out to a soul in need will be more instinct than the product of prodding and conscience-beating. I heard this as a voiceover on Grey's once, long ago when I was still in school: No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we fight, we fall sometimes. But there's an upside to falling - it's the chance we give our friends to catch us.

END

falling inside the black

So last week my workmate told me a story. He was involved in a small tiff once with a matatu. The mat hit him from the side, but the driver refused to accede, so they called the cops. They come and look at everything and talk to bystanders and clearly it becomes very evident - the events were open to interpretation, so justice was going to be doled out to the highest bidder. So they drag the mat and my friend back to the station. The mat driver calls his boss, his boss comes and pays off the cops, they let him go. So now it's just my friend and the cops. They tell him they're gonna have to charge him (obviously, coz the other "defendant" has just been declared innocent so by elimination...) Does he think he'll be able to chuck 4K to make all this go away. He's a good Christian, so he said no. Strike one. They take him to court. He doesn't have a lawyer, so someone over there tells him that to make things all go smoothly, he's gonna have to plead guilty, then he'll just be fined for reckless driving or whatever and everyone goes home happy. So he does that. The moment he said, he could tell he'd made a mistake. You know once you're guilty in the eyes of the law everything is now left up to their discretion. You basically no longer have rights. So this prosecutor now says that no, they don't have enough information to go on, they're gonna need to carry out further investigations. WTF!!! The guy pleaded guilty - what more do you need genius??? Anyways, the judge agrees (again, WTF!!!), and apparently also when you're guilty, bail is left up to the judge's discretion. So he denies - or it doesn't come up one way or another (remember my guy doesn't have a lawyer - he was advised it would detract from his image as cooperating with "the investigation" - term used very loosely). So now it's Friday he's going to go to jail till Monday. In remand, they make another offer, and now that he's actually IN jail the stakes are higher - is he gonna be able to get them 15K? 15K and they "lose" the file. He can walk away. He says no. Strike 2. At this point they're getting frustrated. He talks to them about a cash bail and they immediately seize on to this new-found opportunity: they can arrange for one for him, but he'll pay them 10K, then they'll give him a receipt for 5K. Implied in that transaction is, of course, a 5K bribe. He's like, guys, I'm already in jail. At what point are you gonna get it - I'm a believer. I do not bribe!! Strike 3. His wife gets there, gets him a lawyer finally, who tries to, from a friendly-face perspective, reintroduce the notion of the bribe to smooth things over, he tells that lawyer does he want to get paid or not, coz if he does, he won't bring up the bribes again. Strike 4. Lawyer  gets the message, finds another way to work with the system and gets my guy out, and then helps him out through the remaining court proceedings.

I gotta be honest here, that kind of (is staunchness a word?) is incomprehensible to me. This guy was willing to actually spend the whole weekend in jail just to stand up for a principle. He got all these opportunities even after having lost hope, and still said no. And what's more, his memories of the day aren't even bitter. He's looking at it from the perspective of the people he met there. "You know I even found some people who were arrested and no one in their families knew about it, I got a chance to witness to them, and when I got out I got to find their people and tell them." So maybe God did intend for him to end up in that cell that day. Damn! I think it's safe to say I've found a real life hero this week. I don't know how someone does that. With a lot of help from the Holy Spirit, I guess, but it must also take some courage. A LOT of courage. I got arrested once too when I was still in school,  and went hadi the cells. I didn't have to bribe anyone to get out. But I really think that had more to do with the fact that it didn't come up (a friend came and talked to the boss for me about us being only students and stuff, and lucky me I actually had my uni ID that day). If it had, I don't know what I'd have done, because believe me when I tell you, no one wants to be locked up in our Kenyan cells. 

I usually try and listen for that still small voice, and sometimes I hear it, but sometimes I can't tell the difference. You know, between what it's actually saying and what I think it should be saying. Especially in many of those, what you'd call, grey-area situations. Maybe I was supposed to hear that story. So I'd start asking myself these questions. If that incident had happened to me, and I'd been on the right to begin with, I think I would have found a way to rationalize my way out. I'd have told myself I shouldn't even be there, and isn't this one of those exceptional situations, like white lies? And I'd still have been wrong and I probably would have known it, but that wouldn't have stopped me. My church launched these things called real groups today. Basically home churches. I'm supposed to find one and join, and ostensibly they'll be able to help me work through some of these things. I hope that becomes clearer in my head with time. There's a song playing right now, by Hillsong, which I want to be my prayer: "...In my heart, in my soul/I give you control/Consume me from the inside out/Let justice and praise/Become my embrace/To love you from the inside out..."

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