the places you have come to fear the most

I first discovered I had a fear of heights when I was in high school. I went up to the roof of one of the buildings and the strangest thing - I couldn't look down. Then later on after high school when I was doing a stint at the engineering department and had to take reports up the factory floors on staircases without railings, and I couldn't take more than two steps at a time. It's odd, coz I grew up living on high rises, mostly on the top floor. Guess it doesn't count how high you go when you know there are barriers to protect you. Anyway, then later I found that I was afraid of crowds, the first time I had to do public speaking at the music festivals and I went on stage and all the words melted away, and needless to say I was sixth out of six, or that time I had to introduce the choral verse in German (coz I was the best student, or really the only one who knew enought to), and I forgot and gave it a different name on stage. No one in my team noticed, coz, well, it was German, but Im sure the judges did. I know this, because we came out last. We once lived near a posh-ish neighbourhood, where everyone had dogs. And I'd never spared them a second thought, but one time I was passing by my neighbour's gate and he was driving in so it was open, and his dog slipped and ran out the compound - after me. I freaked! I ran, and ran and ran, and when I saw an out - it was a bit dark - in the form of another neighbor's compound I went for it, and leapt in and forgot she actually had a barbed wire fence that was about knee-high. So I tripped on it, fell with all that momentum and got like a hundred bruises, but more tragically (I thought then), I fell on my cellphone and broke the screen. My very first cellphone! I was heartbroken. Of course by this time the dog master had just caught up with us so now that I had broken and scratched everything I could he took his dog back. Without even a word of apology! Thus came up my other real fear - dogs.

Of course, back then I was young, and I have since overcome that fear of dogs.

Non-superficially, Im scared of one day waking up and finding out I don't matter. I put on this brave face of someone who doesn't care and will live his life like there was no difference if he were the only one lost on treasure island, but deep down in places I don't talk about at parties I fear I do care. And I do worry what other people think of me. Some people, at any rate. And not my parents either, one or two friends. It hurts sometimes when Im not included in plans, or when I find out about them merely by accident, or when I get stood up, or every Saturday that I have to spend watching TV all day because I had nothing to do. Especially around the holidays. I call myself antisocial and I think I am, but I think its more a defence mechanism than by choice. As far back as I can remember I've always been this aloof person who didn't hug others or call in the evening to say hi or even just send thoughtful messages on Valentine's day. But when I sit down and think about it there are times when I realise that I may be missing out on a lot of things. Rollercoasters, they call them. There's this myth about singles dying in their apartments accidentally when they're 35 and no one notices till two weeks later when their bodies are all smelly and decomposing, and at times I see myself like that and worry. Perhaps I should try a little harder.

Dashboard Confessional describe a person in their song: "Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself/And covered with a perfect shell/Such a charming beautiful exterior/Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes/Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by..." Im not that far gone yet, but Im really scared Im getting there. Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself - check. Covered with a perfect shell - check. Charming beautiful exterior - check. Brilliant smiles and shining eyes - check (so I hear... :). Barely scraping by? I don't know. Time alone will tell.

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