it gets the worst at night

Here are those lamentations again, this time after the fact. It's starting to seem as though there are people who are destined to be alone, and that I'm one of those people. I had thought I had found real love, I had thought I was in it for the long haul. Me and the subject of my unopened letter to the world, we thought we were going to have it all. But alas! It was not to be :( It appears "the long haul" just got drastically shortened. To 2 months! Things came up during the last few days that led me to believe the world is not nearly big enough. There was a slight conflict of interests between us and another couple. We figured since we were the new kids on the block, so to speak, it should be us who let up and not those others (hurray me! performing a selfless act! omg), so we sort of mutually agreed to disagree. I can't help sometimes but wonder where those days are in which Shakespeare was writing his stuff, when love used to reign supreme and it could go up against even two families and still triumph, albeit tragically. Us going on might have meant alienating the families, and for some reason we decided that was too high a cost to pay (I guess things to do with curses, parents getting cardiac arrests, it's not the african way... that kind of thing...). But had it been, say, Romeo and Juliet, they would probably have said "...Screweth thee the Montagues and the Capulets!...Love give me strength, and strength will help me through. Goodbye, dear father..." Wait... they did actually say that! But we apparently are living in a different day and age, or perhaps a better description would be "the real world" where snow white dies every time.

Now all I do is think about what could have been... The places we could have gone (there's a song that sez "...love lifts us up where we belong..." or something like that - from those old Sundowner days)... All the experiences shared... All the little arguments, and fights, and the happy times, and the movies, and the texts and phone calls. I'll miss those things. We're supposed to still be friends tho, so I'm waiting to see how that goes, if all these "unresolved feelings" will come back up again to haunt me. But right now this emotional turmoil I'm in gets the worst at night. When it's dark and I'm all alone and there's this eerie silence interspersed with the ocassional mosquito buzzing past, those are the times I die a thousand deaths. Anyway, I saw this written somewhere once, and I agree: When your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive, coz you are. And the pain that you feel, that's life. The confusion and the fear, that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better; and that something... is worth fighting for. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny.

Even though it ended ten years too soon, at least I got a chance to for ever so short an instance live in the moment. To reach out and hold on to the possibilities without regard for future consequences. I finally did something I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and, surprise!! surprise!! the world didn't end! Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. said many people die with their music still inside them, and that too often, it's because they're always getting ready to live, and, before they know it, time runs out. Well, at least I enjoyed my fifteen minutes. I have no regrets. Maybe we did deserve better, but who can ever tell these things? The more I think about it, the more I see no rhyme and reason to life. No one knows why some things work out and others don't. It's a shame though, coz I could have held her in my arms forever, and it still wouldn't have been long enough...

END {{in more ways than one!}}