Sunday, July 26, 2009
just we three (my echo, my shadow and me)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
holding out for a hero
A white house chief of staff who won't let any of his minions publicly defend him when a scandal's about to come out about him so that if he doesn't survive, he doesn't take anyone else down with him, and the kind of minions who'd wanna take the fall for their chief of staff because they believe enough in him to know that if it was them on the line, he'd spare no expense to defend and clear them. A communications director who, when he randomly discovers that a war veteran died and was not treated like the hero he was, went against the code and used to president's name to arrange a guard of honor for the dead guy, a guy he didn't know, never even met, but did that just because he recognized what (crucial) part that person played in the larger American picture; someone who knows what books Oscar and Hammersmith (or was that Hammerstein) wrote. A press secretary who won't go to the press briefing and lie to those reporters point blank just because that's what she was told to do.
When you think about it, isn't that the kind of leaders we want? An administration that believes in what they're doing, and that deep down really wanna make people's lives better. And not just people they know directly, the entire electorate. People who believe in the system and don't wanna override it for personal gain, people who, asides from an urge to change the lives of their electorate, actually have the psychological wherewithal to do it. Our president has a Masters degree in Economics, from the London School of Economics no less, but I swear, you would not be thought outlandish if you assumed after observing him for 2 days that he probably didn't go all the way through high school. It's not just that he can't see past his nose (or maybe he can, just not where everyone else is concerned), it's how out of touch he is with the ground realities, the kinds of decisions he makes, the things he says when he's reading out of a prepared speech. It's the way all of them relate with each other, always bickering in the news about small non-consequential things like who wasn't consulted before a big decision was made and who between the VP and PM reports to the other etc. We listen and we laugh, but then later on, I sit and I think about it and want nothing to do with my own country. People are supposed to inherently have a soft spot for the land of their heritage. "Vergess nicht dein Herkunft," goes that German saying (do not forget where you came from, loosely translated). But I can't say I share in that sentiment. Not with the kind of leaders (I'm gonna say I use that word loosely) we have and are going to continue having for the foreseeable future. I suppose our day is coming, when we shall have a president who's a president. But that's probably one of those things I'll believe when I see.
In one of the scenes at the end of the first season, the president got shot. He recovered, but that news wasn't made immediately available to the public. That very night, outside the hospital where he was being treated, a vigil began - thousands of people gathered out there, saying a prayer for their dearly beloved, showing support, hoping their hero makes it through. Honestly, I don't see myself doing that for my president, but maybe that's just me (lemme not speak as though I'm speaking for the country). There's a bit I once read in Sun Tzu's The Art of War, about how to treat people who work under you (like everything else in the book this assumes the setup of an army commander and his soldiers): Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valley. Look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.
END
Friday, July 10, 2009
the anatomy of melancholy
Solitude is the feeling and knowledge that one is alone, alienated from the world and oneself. All men, at some moment in their lives, feel themselves to be alone, and they are. To live is to be separated from what we were in order to approach what we are going to be in the future. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.
Octavio Paz said that, a hundred years ago in 1950. That it's that knowledge, that we're all alone, that makes us different from, say monkeys. I don't think I've ever felt that way as strongly as I've been feeling these past few days. The no-work-to-keep-me-occupied might contribute, but I don't think that's it. Sometimes you look at your life and you start to ask yourself other than your family who do you really have? Then it gets more and more apparent that friendships are more a function of convenience than a lasting bond, and then you get invited to a wedding by people you used to know, who used to be like you once, but who now seem to have found the ultimate loves of their lives and are moving forward, and you're still at the exact same spot you were at back in those days. And you feel all of a sudden alone. In the midst of a crowd, all these people around you, but alone. I've never really known why it's this way, but I find that people treasure others more when they're there by choice, so we tend to take our families for granted coz we know they're always gonna be there and they can't just suddenly choose to stop being related to us.
I have a history of holding back and letting go. Hiding behind societal labels and my brains and books and movies and rock music. I find meaning in all of these things that I can do by myself so that I don't have to seek out companionship, or so that I can explain my state to anyone who might want to know (although no one ever does so...). I've been looking for a house to live in and despite the obvious upsides (not the least of which is there are no one-person houses being built any more) I won't even consider cohabiting with a housemate. I joined this church thing they call a life group which is supposed to be like an accountability circle with people you come from the same area with and in that way sort of bring the whole church experience closer to home (literally), but I still don't feel at home as I think I should be, or as everyone else seems to, like four months down the line. An old best friend got engaged, ENGAGED, and didn't even think to share - had to find out through the grapevine. There's this girl that makes my heart stop but I sometimes don't feel as though I'd be willing to do anything to get her. When I do that Tim LaHaye test, it comes out phlegmatic, every time. I've been described as eclectic before, which now that I think about it may actually have been code for weird.
But that's not the only reason I'm sad. I feel as though my dream life is further away than I used to think it was, and it's gonna take longer than I'd anticipated. And it's not just the Beamer (TM), it's the whole visibility aspect, standing out from the crowd, the power potential that being a man of means brings with it. I seem to just be following the well-worn path to success that everyone else follows, and so most recently I've even started building "savings for a rainy day." The thing about this well-worn path is that you're not the only one on it. There's no uniqueness, no room for innovation, no opportunity for being extraordinary. I can't even sneeze at 11.30 unless our manual says it's OK! Ya, I know, people always say if you believe it you can become it, but I don't think it's quite that simple. I think we get an unbalanced picture of success stories because we never hear about all the hoops the person had to jump through to get where they are. It's made to seem like Bill Gates just dreamed of a world with desktops running software and out popped Windows. No mention is made of the 12 years he and Paul worked out of his garage, or the fact that Trump actually got in so deep over his head that he had to file for bankruptcy once, or the year Steve Jobs spent sleeping on friends' floors in college surviving on the 5ct deposit you get back when you return Coke bottles. Noooo. We just look at the iPod and Trump Plaza and the Xbox and say "That's all it takes - a dream." Try as I might I can't seem to be able to figure out how to get from here to there, or even where "there" is. I just know how I want my life to be like when I've arrived.
When everything has left you, you're alone; but when you have left everything behind, there is solitude. It's said that in solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself. Only in solitude can we learn to know ourselves, learn to deal with our eternal aloneness. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "In the solitude to which man is always returning, he has a sanity and revelations, which in his passage into new worlds he will carry with him." If this feeling I get lately is the real thing, and not just plain old loneliness, I hope I get all these life lessons about my inner being from it. If not, well, at least I hope that when it's broken, it'll be coz it's been replaced by something that'll last.
END
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
all these things i hate (revolve around me)
Friday, June 19, 2009
falling in love (is hard on the knees)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
life in marvelous times
Sunday, May 17, 2009
(there's gotta be) more to life
Sunday, April 12, 2009
mistakes we knew we were making
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
where hope and daylight die
I am finding it very difficult to join in the jubilation about Senator Barack Obama. Not that I want to deny the man his victory, but my impulse to celebrate keeps deflating on the idea that the best thing that happened to little Barack was not growing up in Kenya.
I have been imagining alternative trajectories for him if he had come to know the world through the eyes of a Kenyan citizen, if his mother and grandparents had not rescued him from our chaos and contradictions and brought him up somewhere his intellect and talent could grow.
If he had grown up here, and had he somehow managed to retain most elements of his current self, he would have been another outstanding, intelligent and competent Luo man in our midst: and he would have been killed.
Yes, we would have assassinated a Barack Obama if he had remained ours, with us, one of us here in this schizophrenic cauldron we call home. This is not going to stretch the imagination of any Kenyan - after all, when we had that incredibly good-looking and charismatic home-grown hero, Tom Mboya, we shot him to death.
And when that austerely intellectual and elegant leader, Robert Ouko, threatened to look overly intelligent to the world, we killed him too. We killed Pio Gama Pinto and we killed JM Kariuki. There is no reason to suppose that Barack Obama, whose integrity of purpose and stringent sense of ethics even his enemies concede, would have survived his Kenyan roots.
HE IS MUCH TOO INTELLIGENT, TOO charged with the promise of history, too bold in his claim to a shining destiny, too full of the audacity of hope, for us to have let him survive. Kenya would have killed Barack Obama, or at least his dream, as we inevitably destroy, in one way or another, the best and the boldest of us. Goldenberg whistle blower David Munyakei's challenge to his country to be bigger than our greed was met with a whimper, and then with rapid abandonment. We did not deserve him, either.
As for John Githongo, he should have known better than to take the idea of public ethics seriously - this is Kenya, after all. Let him enlighten people at Oxford instead; such considerations are too virtuous for us, too sensible, too conducive to a promising future. We do not even remark on the haunting wastage of all this shining accomplishment - Micere Mugo sings her lyrical poetry for Americans, and we do not even know enough to mourn the loss.
AND YET WE ARE ALL ENCHANTED with the power of the idea of Barack Obama, the hope of him, the beauty of his life's trajectory, the universe of possibilities and probabilities that it conjures for the least of the rest of us. If someone's cousin's friend's neighbour makes it to the United States... then we all have a chance. We have a strange predilection for schizophrenic loves and loyalties; we let geography dictate our alliances and imaginary lines decide our friends. It is as if our social contract states that here, at home, we are obliged to behave like fighting rats to each other but when abroad, when released from the shackles of kin and clan and conclave, we can fly and soar and master the sky.
When Wangari Maathai is abroad, we feel that her Nobel Prize is partly represented in each of our Kenyan living rooms; when she comes home, she is just another Kikuyu politico. We preen about our athletes winning yet another international competition to anybody who will give us half a chance, but when they are at home we turn them into more fodder for militias.
Caine Prize winners are Kenyan by automatic assent, but Binyavanga Wainaina is a Kikuyu writer when at home and Yvonne Owuor is indelibly a Luo - we shrink them to fit the midget-sized visions we have of ourselves.
IT IS CLEAR TO ALL OF US, AND THE evidence continues to accrue, that we have, collectively, a certain global competence, as Kenyans, that we produce individuals of substance and historical purpose.
Being Kenyan, however, we prefer to drown in the pettiness of our parochial quarrels when at home, and if one of us threatens to be too hopeful, too ambitious, too intelligent, too creative or too inspirational to fit into our trivial little categories of hatred and suspicion, we kill them, or exile them from our societies, or we just cause them to run away inside, hiding from us and from themselves the grandeur of their souls, the splendid landscapes of their imagined tomorrows.
Nothing but the worst for us, at home. We recognise each other by our most rancid rhetoric. We insist upon it, we cultivate it, we elevate it to an art form: Kenyan, and quarrelsome.
Kenyan, and clannish. Kenyan, and counter-productive. Kenyan, and self-destructive. Kenyan, and consistently heart-breaking. Genius everywhere, and not a thought to be had. Promise and potential everywhere, and not an opportunity to be had. Money everywhere, and not an honest penny to be earned. Helicopters aplenty, but no help for the needy. A land awash in Cabinet ministers and poverty.
I HAVE BEEN WATCHING KENYANS getting high on Obamamania, and I am wondering what we are so happy about? It is perhaps that we are beginning to acknowledge what we should always have known - given a half a chance, an ever so slightly conducive context, Kenyans are more likely to over-achieve than not. At the faintest provocation, Kenyans will leap past expectations without breaking their stride or breaking a sweat, especially if they happen to have escaped the imprisoning edifice we call home and found foreign contexts to flourish in, no matter how alien.
I went to a town in the Canadian Arctic once, in the far north, where in summer the sun shines even at midnight and in the winter the world is an endless landscape of ice and snow. Here, far, far away from home, where nothing was familiar except the gentleness of elderly Inuit women and the comforting weirdness of the white residents, I was told that the local dentist had, for many years, been a Kenyan. Everybody said he had been an excellent dentist, out there in the desert of the cold. I was unsurprised.
We are an adventurous people, we Kenyans, and we take to the world outside our home as if born to a conquistador culture - we are brave and brash and bold, out there. We buy and sell things, and make money at it, out there. We go to school and excel and cover ourselves with accreditations, out there. We win things, out there. We get prizes, out there. We are at our best, out there.
HOWEVER, AT HOME, FOR SOME REAson we refuse to either acknowledge or examine - we have chosen simply to set aside this capacity. Here, at home, nothing but the very lowest common denominator will do; nothing but the basest and most brutal aspects of our selves are to be presented to each other; nothing but the most cynical manipulation is the basis of our political space. We prefer to be ruled by individuals whose mediocrity is matched only by their mendacity, here at home.
We prefer to abdicate our adult responsibilities and capacity for reason to "leaders" whose lack of virtue is as legendary as our attractively exotic pastoralists. We do not only waste talent, here at home - we go out of our way to suppress and repress it. We do not only deny dreams, here in Kenya - we devour them, and ask each other, "Who do you think you are?" As if the success of another is an affront.
In Kenya, grand vision and soaring imagination is illegitimate; here, they just call you naive. Out there, you stand a chance of becoming a hero; at home, you will have nothing but the taste of ashes in your mouth. Mothers, take your children abroad.
Barack Obama has written two books, in which he discusses ideas. Ideas. This is a man with vision and conviction, and enough good ideas that even those who do not like the pigmentally-advantaged are listening, and changing their minds.
Even those who think that his name sounds suspiciously like a terrorist's are reading his books and listening to his speeches, and changing their minds. This is a man with interesting and inspiring things to say - which disqualifies him from any Kenyan-ness we would have liked to claim.
Americans like the image of them that Barack Obama has painted in words; which Kenyan leader would dare to build dreams bigger than his roots? Which Kenyan leader would ever be so foolish as to attempt inspiration instead of instigation?
BARACK OBAMA HAS SEDUCED THE world by the power of his persuasiveness, and while Kenyans raise another glass to the accomplishments of "one of our own," it seems clear to me that we gave up our rights to him when we gave up our hopes for ourselves. When we settled for incompetence, and corruption, and callousness, we defined ourselves out of his universe, and out of his dreams.
We rejected Barack Obama-ness when we allowed those pangas to slash our dreams, when we watched our hopes spiral away in smoke. We allowed the ones who had done this to become the only mirrors of ourselves, and then squelched our disgraced selves back to the mire of our despondency.
Barack Obama cannot be a Kenyan, and Kenyans cannot grasp Barack Obama's dream. We have already despaired of it, and of ourselves. His dream would have died with ours, here at home, here in the graveyard of hope.
But oh, how we yearn to see ourselves reflected in his eyes...
END