Sunday, July 26, 2009

just we three (my echo, my shadow and me)

Things you do not want to see on the News when you know your sister was travelling back home by road: Night of tears and anguish as 22 die in accident. That was the headline some time last week. For like 10 seconds after I saw that headline and it registered I was freaking out! and then I remembered my sis saying the mum had insisted she travel during the day. Whew! Thank God for over-cautious mothers. But still, the rate at which people are dying in accidents seems to be rising again. And it might be getting to be that time when we might have to really consider if a trip is absolutely necessary before taking it, coz 22 at once is not a small number, and there have been like 10 such accidents in the last 3 months alone. Just last week a colleague of ours was on his way to Naivasha and got hit by a truck in a Vitz - died instantly. But the news came to us piece-meal: "Guy has been involved in accident." two minutes later, "Guy is dead." It's getting really scary. And the worst part is all these accidents, they're PSV's. Almost 90% of the country doesnt own a car, how're we supposed to move around when we can't trust our transport system to get us there in one piece? Literally!

Anyway, that's not why I'm broody, sad, even. I feel like it's the end of an era. It's like a dream has died tonight. There's been this girl, in the back of my mind. She's kind, has loads of common sense, practical, fiesty, catholic, hot-headed, tall, (I wanna say funny coz it seems to fit the general picture, but no, lemme say... dissable), single and beautiful. We like most of the same songs (by now you've noticed that music is almost everything I'm about), and we're at the same place as far as family goes (hers and mine both), she loved Transformers, and we used to be able to talk on end about nothing in particular, I just wasn't looking for anything at the time. But now I'm getting the sense that the spark's fizzled out. Hers, actually, not mine. I've been trynna ask her out for a while and all I keep getting is this cold shoulder. It's never really no, the answer, but then again it's never really yes, either. It's probably just that I'm proud, but I don't think I should have this many questions about where her head's at this early. Or it's yes then just before something else comes up, you know, she gets a stomach ache, or the boss calls, or she has to meet these 1500 other people, or she has to be home by 4... It just, it seems like for her it's a little too easy to put me on the back burner.

All this time my friends tell me I'm selfish and self-absorbed (btw I think they might have a point - I run a whole blog about nothing but myself! OMG!), I realise I am, and not just with my time, with other people's as well. I wanna feel like I'm the most important thing in the world. I can't be the guy you meet when everything else is good and done. I don't think it's too much to ask that if I'm willing to drop everything at a moment's notice when she calls (coz believe me, I have) then she be willing to do the same for me. I've actually been thinking about this for a while, and I've decided it's probably not gonna happen, and I'm writing it here so I believe it. So maybe I can start to move on. There's a mirror in the Harry Potter movies (the Mirror of Araset) that instead of just a reflection shows the person when they're at their happiest, when they've attained their heart's deepest desires. I think if I'd looked in that mirror, I'd have seen myself holding her hand, her head on my shoulder. But like Professor Dumbledore said, it doesn't do to dwell on dreams. This choice is probably gonna kill me later, but I suppose that's how I can tell it's the right one - those are the ones that are never easy.

If you watch enough television, or movies, (and Lord knows I do), you find yourself expecting these neat resolutions. Will the boy get the girl in the end? Will it turn out the way we want it to? Will the good guys win? Will the villain die? We have become addicted to happy endings. To closure. But turns out life, life's all about the ambiguities. The deviations. The little unexpected turns of events that throw you off balance. Sometimes you get the things you want, sometimes you even get more than you asked for, but at other times, not so much. It's actually been said that the only thing certain in life is that you never know what's gonna happen. I don't know about that, me, I'm really just a guy hoping for a happy ending. And, what do you know, Kim Richey is playing: "...I don't have a point to prove/Or a stand to make/I'm just trying to find my way/And a face to wear/And a place to be/In the absence of your company..."

END

Thursday, July 23, 2009

holding out for a hero

So I got The West Wing DVD's, finally. Just 4 seasons, but still, I've been looking for it all my life so I'll take those and run. As I was watching it, it struck me just why I loved the show so much: I know it's just a TV show and that it's not as close to Real Life(TM) as I'd like it to be, but there's leadership that's leadership on that show. The kind of president who cares when and ex-marine pilot who was flying in to see him dies in a plane crash; who's bothered when Indian Troops move in on Pakistan making less-than-friendly overtures; who calls his Navy SEALs when there's a hurricane heading their way that they possibly might not be able to escape just to check in on them; who, before filling a supreme court justice position, vets the prospective candidate, and actually gives up a slum dunk nomination that would have helped his cause politically just because it's come up that the guy doesn't believe in an inherent right to privacy; a president with a Nobel prize in Economics who when he stands to speak, you can tell.

A white house chief of staff who won't let any of his minions publicly defend him when a scandal's about to come out about him so that if he doesn't survive, he doesn't take anyone else down with him, and the kind of minions who'd wanna take the fall for their chief of staff because they believe enough in him to know that if it was them on the line, he'd spare no expense to defend and clear them. A communications director who, when he randomly discovers that a war veteran died and was not treated like the hero he was, went against the code and used to president's name to arrange a guard of honor for the dead guy, a guy he didn't know, never even met, but did that just because he recognized what (crucial) part that person played in the larger American picture; someone who knows what books Oscar and Hammersmith (or was that Hammerstein) wrote. A press secretary who won't go to the press briefing and lie to those reporters point blank just because that's what she was told to do.

When you think about it, isn't that the kind of leaders we want? An administration that believes in what they're doing, and that deep down really wanna make people's lives better. And not just people they know directly, the entire electorate. People who believe in the system and don't wanna override it for personal gain, people who, asides from an urge to change the lives of their electorate, actually have the psychological wherewithal to do it. Our president has a Masters degree in Economics, from the London School of Economics no less, but I swear, you would not be thought outlandish if you assumed after observing him for 2 days that he probably didn't go all the way through high school. It's not just that he can't see past his nose (or maybe he can, just not where everyone else is concerned), it's how out of touch he is with the ground realities, the kinds of decisions he makes, the things he says when he's reading out of a prepared speech. It's the way all of them relate with each other, always bickering in the news about small non-consequential things like who wasn't consulted before a big decision was made and who between the VP and PM reports to the other etc. We listen and we laugh, but then later on, I sit and I think about it and want nothing to do with my own country. People are supposed to inherently have a soft spot for the land of their heritage. "Vergess nicht dein Herkunft," goes that German saying (do not forget where you came from, loosely translated). But I can't say I share in that sentiment. Not with the kind of leaders (I'm gonna say I use that word loosely) we have and are going to continue having for the foreseeable future. I suppose our day is coming, when we shall have a president who's a president. But that's probably one of those things I'll believe when I see.

In one of the scenes at the end of the first season, the president got shot. He recovered, but that news wasn't made immediately available to the public. That very night, outside the hospital where he was being treated, a vigil began - thousands of people gathered out there, saying a prayer for their dearly beloved, showing support, hoping their hero makes it through. Honestly, I don't see myself doing that for my president, but maybe that's just me (lemme not speak as though I'm speaking for the country). There's a bit I once read in Sun Tzu's The Art of War, about how to treat people who work under you (like everything else in the book this assumes the setup of an army commander and his soldiers): Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valley. Look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

END

Friday, July 10, 2009

the anatomy of melancholy

Solitude is the feeling and knowledge that one is alone, alienated from the world and oneself. All men, at some moment in their lives, feel themselves to be alone, and they are. To live is to be separated from what we were in order to approach what we are going to be in the future. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

Octavio Paz said that, a hundred years ago in 1950. That it's that knowledge, that we're all alone, that makes us different from, say monkeys. I don't think I've ever felt that way as strongly as I've been feeling these past few days. The no-work-to-keep-me-occupied might contribute, but I don't think that's it. Sometimes you look at your life and you start to ask yourself other than your family who do you really have? Then it gets more and more apparent that friendships are more a function of convenience than a lasting bond, and then you get invited to a wedding by people you used to know, who used to be like you once, but who now seem to have found the ultimate loves of their lives and are moving forward, and you're still at the exact same spot you were at back in those days. And you feel all of a sudden alone. In the midst of a crowd, all these people around you, but alone. I've never really known why it's this way, but I find that people treasure others more when they're there by choice, so we tend to take our families for granted coz we know they're always gonna be there and they can't just suddenly choose to stop being related to us.

I have a history of holding back and letting go. Hiding behind societal labels and my brains and books and movies and rock music. I find meaning in all of these things that I can do by myself so that I don't have to seek out companionship, or so that I can explain my state to anyone who might want to know (although no one ever does so...). I've been looking for a house to live in and despite the obvious upsides (not the least of which is there are no one-person houses being built any more) I won't even consider cohabiting with a housemate. I joined this church thing they call a life group which is supposed to be like an accountability circle with people you come from the same area with and in that way sort of bring the whole church experience closer to home (literally), but I still don't feel at home as I think I should be, or as everyone else seems to, like four months down the line. An old best friend got engaged, ENGAGED, and didn't even think to share - had to find out through the grapevine. There's this girl that makes my heart stop but I sometimes don't feel as though I'd be willing to do anything to get her. When I do that Tim LaHaye test, it comes out phlegmatic, every time. I've been described as eclectic before, which now that I think about it may actually have been code for weird.

But that's not the only reason I'm sad. I feel as though my dream life is further away than I used to think it was, and it's gonna take longer than I'd anticipated. And it's not just the Beamer (TM), it's the whole visibility aspect, standing out from the crowd, the power potential that being a man of means brings with it. I seem to just be following the well-worn path to success that everyone else follows, and so most recently I've even started building "savings for a rainy day." The thing about this well-worn path is that you're not the only one on it. There's no uniqueness, no room for innovation, no opportunity for being extraordinary. I can't even sneeze at 11.30 unless our manual says it's OK! Ya, I know, people always say if you believe it you can become it, but I don't think it's quite that simple. I think we get an unbalanced picture of success stories because we never hear about all the hoops the person had to jump through to get where they are. It's made to seem like Bill Gates just dreamed of a world with desktops running software and out popped Windows. No mention is made of the 12 years he and Paul worked out of his garage, or the fact that Trump actually got in so deep over his head that he had to file for bankruptcy once, or the year Steve Jobs spent sleeping on friends' floors in college surviving on the 5ct deposit you get back when you return Coke bottles. Noooo. We just look at the iPod and Trump Plaza and the Xbox and say "That's all it takes - a dream." Try as I might I can't seem to be able to figure out how to get from here to there, or even where "there" is. I just know how I want my life to be like when I've arrived.

When everything has left you, you're alone; but when you have left everything behind, there is solitude. It's said that in solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself. Only in solitude can we learn to know ourselves, learn to deal with our eternal aloneness. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "In the solitude to which man is always returning, he has a sanity and revelations, which in his passage into new worlds he will carry with him." If this feeling I get lately is the real thing, and not just plain old loneliness, I hope I get all these life lessons about my inner being from it. If not, well, at least I hope that when it's broken, it'll be coz it's been replaced by something that'll last.

END

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

all these things i hate (revolve around me)

I hate the way you stress the t's in "I hate that,"
which you say eight hundred times a day;

I hate the way when you look at me without the glasses,
I feel like you can see right through me;
I hate the way you're not fazed by kitshcy schmalzy stuff,
and how you're always right;
I hate the way you can dance and I can't,
and that you have all these plans that I don't;
I hate all those awesome moments that pass,
and you're not around to share them with me;
I hate how you're so good at being me,
you make me wanna be you;
I hate it that you almost never need anything,
and that you don't change your mind. Ever!

I hate that I can't stop thinking about your voice,
or how you make me sit and stare at the phone,
like I can somehow will it to ring;
I hate the way you like the songs I do,
and so they remind me of you;
I hate it when you don't call or text,
or when I do and don't know what to say;
That's the other thing:
I hate the way I gag around you.

I hate the way I never see you,
and how there's nothing I can do to change that;
I hate the way I can no longer sleep,
how instead I stay up all night - wishing... hoping...;
I hate that I wanna tell you all these things, but can't;
But the thing I mostly hate
is how you make me fall for you,
without even trying,
without even noticing,
without ever relenting.

END

Friday, June 19, 2009

falling in love (is hard on the knees)

So it's been a slow month at work, something I had never imagined I'd be saying in all my life at that place. So slow, in fact, that management has seen it fit to coerce us to take annual leave. So we don't bother them with it comes the next high cycle next month. Now I'm stuck in the house with nothing to do. And as if that were not enough, I flushed my cellphone down the toilet yesterday morning. Literally, it fell in, didn't see it, flushed, realized much later. I actually went limp around my knees when I discovered. It was like I'd just lost a piece of me. For two years that phone had been like my assistant, my personal diary, my datebook, and, of course, my communication device. You tend to develop a bond, when you hang out together that close for that long. Of course, for normal people, it's with other people. Not phones, like me. Oh, to be normal... {{{wistful sigh}}}

So anyways, I have a friend. Who has an interesting relationship with her boyfriend. They broke up coz ostensibly they couldn't stand each other, but continued doing everything they used to when they were dating. So it's "...just the title that wasn't there..." (her words). Anyway, they apparently got back together, but it gave me an interesting angle. I wouldn't know, but letting go must be a really hard thing to do since no one seems to be able to manage it. It's probably the reason all those women go back to those men who beat them up and/or cheat on them. Or why people say first loves never die. Or why men don't survive old age if their spouse dies before them. What I'm wondering is if there's such a thing as love at first sight, if love can be aroused that easily, then why can't it in turn be just as instantly extinguished. I have a different friend, who broke up with his girlfriend, but he wasn't as lucky as that one above - his continued strong feelings sorta went unrequitted. And even he acknowledged how low he'd sunk - calling everyday to see if anything has changed, grovelling - and how crappy it made him feel when he thought about it later, but he says he just couldn't stop himself. The urge to call was in the moment just too strong to resist, and try as he might, the feelings had refused to go away.

That it's called "falling" in love and not "getting" in love or "going into" love or something like that, would seem to indicate that it's something that happens to us despite our best efforts. No one makes themselves fall, falling is something that happens to us by accident - it's called dropping when you do it willfully. But is that so? Do we really have no control over with whom/when we fall in love. I don't think so. If we really had no control, would people have pictures in their minds of what an ideal partner should look like? or how he should act? Coz that means they won't "fall in love" with just anyone, right? And that whole wooing process, it encourages feelings, does it not? Probably even creates some where there might have been none. So we can influence who we love, and when we love, it seems. And if we can do that, we really oughta also be able to make ourselves stop. Of course, that's assuming someone actually wants to stop. Coz I suppose sometimes we're usually bringing it on ourselves. We put ourselves through that whole torture of single-sided love and then play Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You (Air Supply) over and over again and tell ourselves that we are not alone and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And then when he comes whispering those things we wanna hear, even though they sound so recited and we can probably tell he's doing exactly that - telling us what we want to hear - we go ahead and dupe ourselves into believing he means it and that he's really changed and it's never gonna happen again and blissfully resume where we left off.

I have a third friend. She met her boyfriend in uni, but they didn't "fall in love" right away. Waited four years to do that, and then went ahead and had a baby together (unplanned, but they moved on and reconciled themselves with the fact), and theirs must have been genuine, coz now they're living happily ever after. So I suppose it's not all bad. I'm not gonna presume that all those people who can't/won't make a clean break are douchebags who are weak. There must be things that draw them to the other person still. And those things must be good things. But regardless, if it's that difficult to end it, then falling in love must be pretty hard on the knees.

END

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

life in marvelous times

I once heard a story about this woman who'd day in day out break her back cooking for her husband, and every day he'd just sit there, eat and go to bed without saying a word. So she'd interpret that to mean maybe her food wasn't good enough, and so the next day she'd try even harder. Eventually she started to get weary, so as a last-ditch effort to get him to notice she hatched out a plan. That day the husband came home and almost died of shock - she'd cooked grass! and served it!! 

"Er, honey," said he. "Is there something wrong today?"

"Of course not, sweetie. What would make think that?" she replied.

"You seem to have mistakenly served grass. It's a little different from what we're used to eating...."

"Really?? Grass? Huh. You never seemed to notice anything I cooked all those other times, I thought this time would be the same! You mean to say you can also tell the difference between good food and bad? Could have fooled me.."

The lesson, of course, was clear: when your wife [or mum, in my case] makes a good meal, say its really nice and thank her. If it's not so good, well, say it's really nice and thank her anyway. The same principle should apply for every principle we live by - gratefulness. There's a lot that's wrong with the world today, if you ask me. All those wars in the Middle East, our current president, and in turn everyone he works with (especially that finance minister who misspells 14.2 billion in the budget - he's asked for one thing! and he can't even do that right), the rapid rate of deforestation and pollution, this so called New World Order (just saw a documentary the other day that said this New World Order was actually the bankers behind US and England leadership plotting to take over the world, that it's them who've engineered that economic collapse over there and that they control Obama even, scary!), frequent droughts, the rising price of oil, together with rate of accidents and car jackings, Ben Stiller movies and all those American Pie-wannabe's, impossible-to-deal-with HMO's... this list is long.  I could go on for a while.

But thing is if you really think about it, for everything that's wrong with the world we have 10 others that rock about it. There's the new Macbook, and the redesigned 4th gen iPod. There's the Altezza and the new 5-series Beamer, Transformers and The Dark Knight, Grey's Anatomy, all those people who champion environmental conservation (Al Gore, Wangari Maathai and one Mukuria Mwangi who's only one degree of separation away from me...), Michael Moore, the Playstation 3, ARV's, capitalism, Samsung, the Companies Act that requires that all limited companies be audited, democracy a la US and France, christianity, rock music and the Fraunhoffer Institute (those  are the guys who created the MP3 format), Brabus, McFry's and Steers and Southern Fried, Acer, HP and Microsoft, mobile telephony, rainy seasons, stand up comedy, stem cell research, choice, Hillary Clinton, Rob Reiner (he made the West Wing and in my books that just makes him a superstar!), wireless internet, wikipedia, 24-hour shopping and all-under-one-roof megastores, Rose (she might not know it, but she makes my days!), Nu Metro (now Silverbird - the most asinine corporate rebranding strategy I've ever seen!!),... ya, this list is also long. I just wanted it to be longer than that other one. :)

We need to be people that appreciate things. We can't just always be about what's wrong. At times it's lighter on the psyche to enjoy the things that are good. It even lengthens our life expectancy. There's a thing about positive energy attracting positive outcomes, and negative energy affecting everything else around you. I think it was in The Alchemist (that fictional book that's now been all but canonized) where the guy was saying something about the Soul of the World detecting what kind of aura you exude, and then treating you in like fashion. So if you're always bright and bubbly, good things come your way. If, on the other hand, you're downcast and pessimistic all the time, then it'll make sure you never run out of things to complain about. Mos Def talks about life as it was and still is - "...this is Bed-Stuy '82, 9th Floor, 3 tiny rooms, one view; Buck Town, Roosevelt House, your green grass is green, our green grass was brown; heavy beef on the streets, ET had to flee; hungry bellies bright gold on their teeth; the windows on the ave look like sad eyes; ends don't meet where arms can't reach; crash landings routinely happen, some survive others never rise from the ashes;.." but then goes on to say "... whatever ya lane, this road called life is a beautiful thing; and we are alive in amazing times....it's scary as hell but there's no doubt in my mind; we can't be alive at no time but NOW!..." and that's a guy who's been through it all.

I am persuaded, whatever comes my way, there can be no better time to be 25 than 2009!

END

Sunday, May 17, 2009

(there's gotta be) more to life

I believe in Heaven. And I believe in Hell. I believe in life after death, and I believe in a higher power. And even if I were to pick between the different theories of evolution, I'd still pick intelligent design any day. Coz if those (heaven, hell and the higher power) really don't exist then we're not in fact heading anywhere, are we? 

I've been having an interesting couple of weeks. The work's killing me, as I'd expected, but I'm learning how to cope with that, [read I'm slowly developing an addiction for coffee and pain pills for the constant headaches...]. But further than that I'm thinking more and more about life. You see time is an interesting thing. It's absolute. It never stops. The world spins madly on. And with each passing day we grow older. Moments pass and we can never reclaim them. We can never take anything back. Don't you sometimes wish that life was actually a rehearsal? So that the next time round you'd know what not do and where not to go? [and which boss not to rile up?] There's a case to be made for the element of surprise: the never having been there done that makes it that much more interesting, yes, but these days I'm finding myself more and more wishing it wasn't a just-once thing. And that we're gonna find ourselves here some time later and we're gonna know enough to not take the road less travelled. 

Three weeks ago one of my best friends had a baby girl. She seemed so happy, almost made me believe motherhood really does change someone. Then a week later another friend lost his mother - to cancer, after a long and arduous battle. Yet another week later, now last week, a different friend himself died - in a road accident. It's this - the frailty and fickleness of life that's causing me to get apprehensive. Literally, one minute you're here, the next you're not. Or one minute you're not here, and a few drinks and a hundred-year-old condom later [or something, I wouldn't know... :)] you are. It's sometimes hard to really live it up and enjoy something when you're not sure if it's for keeps. When you don't know when something's going to be taken away, it's natural to not wanna get in too deep, so it's easy to let go. The paradox is that it's for this very reason that we should aim to live life to the full. While it's still there. It's like Jack London said, "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

Coming so close to a miracle as magical as the creation of a new life, and then soon after a loss as tragic as death in the slowest most painful way imaginable: you gotta wanna believe there's something more. "He was born, he lived, had kids, died a rich old man." That can't be it. There's gotta be more to life than chasing out every temporary high to satisfy me. Heaven. Hell, even. Hope. And so I believe in heaven. You see, as each day passes, as we get older, we're definitely heading somewhere. No one really knows where we're going, or what's waiting for us when we get there, but we're definitely heading somewhere. Whether it's heaven, eternal damnation, or pure nothingness, the bliss of death, away from this, the unbearable lightness of being, I don't know. And no one does know. But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty, is that every so often there are moments in our lives that take us to another place. Heaven on earth, we call it. And maybe for now that's all we need to know. We love constancy. We're comfortable with stability. But if those moments really are a precursor for what's to come, then I can't wait to get there, wherever it be!

And all these great men of the past don't help any; they make it seem so easy. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties and so bear ourselves so that, if the British Empire and her Commonwealth should last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'"; "Be the change you want to see in the world."; "Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."; "Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life's cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another you have only an extemporaneous half possession...  Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much."; "I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail, sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor."; "The house we hope to build is not for my generation but for yours. It is your future that matters. And I hope that when you are my age, you will be able to say, as I have been able to say - We lived in freedom. We lived lives that were a statement, not an apology."; "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."; such authority, and yet none of those words sound to me like the words of a superhuman. Just an ordinary person with a vision. They simply just saw a future and worked towards realizing it in their own small ways. But time and time again since those words and others were said they have spurred men on to action, created success where there probably would have been none, stood the test of time and continued inspiring generation after generation. The best use of one's life is to create something out of it that will outlive it. Even if it's just words, these men clearly left a legacy behind. I wonder how many of us are going to be able to say that...

END

Sunday, April 12, 2009

mistakes we knew we were making

I have just spent the whole day listening to the same song over and over again - Lifeline, by Angels and Airwaves. It was supposed to be a working day so I showed up but apparently no one else did (it's like I'm the only one who's committed to the firm!) so I cranked up the ipod and for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to move from that song. It's made think about a lot of little missteps I made growing up, most of them really petty and childish. Well, in my defence, I was a child. And if there's one problem I've always had, it's speaking before I think and saying things I don't really mean. It's usually all a joke to me, but my particular brand of comedy is apparently an acquired taste.

I remember there was this one time it was I think one of those holidays around end of year, and it was Saturday so everyone was home, and then my mum just walks in and tells us all we're going to eat out. I was overjoyed! I think I was born with a craving for fast food. So gleefully me and kina my brothers dress up and off we go. And then shock on us - turns out it wasn't a hotel, like, you know, the Hilton or anything. It was actually a shanty. Deep inside the small town that was our home. My immediate reaction, and I believed I was speaking for everyone when I said this, was something to the tune of "You must be crazy if you think we're going to eat in a place like that." Of course my mum pulled rank and forced us on, and when we got closer I saw that a few of my friends from school were actually in there eating and my mind took an absolute 180. I was like this place rocks! Let's go eat. She noticed the reason I'd changed my mind, and I noticed the implication. I was young, but old enough that I could tell when I'd disappointed my mother (about 13). It wasn't so much that when it was her taking me there I said no, it was more that when I saw my friends eat there I decided it must be ok. I believe that was my first real snobbish act, and needless to say it haunted me for quite a while. Up until then I was the guy for whom peer pressure had only been a topic in Home Science class, things you read coz you have to make it into Starehe. I've always been the perceptive kind, so I could definitely tell she thought less of me in that moment. As far as boo boos in my childhood go, that was pretty much as big as it got. It's actually a big part of the reason I try so hard to not get influenced by anyone into doing things I wouldn't normally do, that look in her eyes, so yes, it did make me a better person.

I remember also a time now in high school when I don't remember why, but we were having an argument, still with my mum. It must have been about food, coz I remember the subject of breakfast came up, and I blurted out, "It's just three slices of bread, and the stomach's still the same size it was when we ate three heapings of rice last night, so don't think that breakfast even does that much to satisfy us! It's not like if I didn't have it I'd suddenly drop down and die of hunger," or something to that tune. And again, I could tell straight away that was something I shouldn't have said. But this time she didn't spare me, she actually told me off, and told me it was time I started thinking before I spoke, and the people actually did have feelings and all that crap. It was a long talk, that one! Whew! And she used to teach English in a past life so she has this really rich language set that she resorts to when she's mad, so suffice it to say by the end of that talk I was that much better at English, coz I always note new words when I meet them. I managed to figure the error of my ways in both cases - one she'd jitolead to take us out and here we were acting like ingrateful littel brats, and in the second case she'd jitolead to provide us three square meals a day breakfast being the first one and here I was acting like, well, an ingrateful little brat.

Then there was that time when we were in NYC and we're in the subway and I have the camcorder capturing the scenes and all, then I notice that one of the girls we were with had held onto this really sweet little black kid who happened to be sitting next to her and they were posing for a photo and laughing and generally connecting, then I zone in me and my camera, shoot a few minutes of that mush-fest and then just out of nowhere I blurt out, "Nancy (that was her name) how do you spell sodomy?" Of course, being the guy with the camera, all eyes were on me, a situation that was less-than-ideal given the circumstances. WHAT!! Ya, that was definitely not one of my finer moments. I cannot believe I actually said that in a subway-full of people in America! I honestly meant it as a joke, but really, the way to hell is paved with good intentions, so they say. One of my other pals reprimanded me and at that moment I started to wonder why it is the ground never opens up to swallow errant people like we read about in all those good books.

I used to play video games a lot growing up. Still do, just a little less, and more console than PC. But anyway, it follows that when this friend of mine was having a problem with his, he turned to me for help. Do I have any ideas, he asked? Of course I did, why wouldn't I? I'm the guy who always has something to say. "Grow up, get a real job and stop playing computer games," said I. Turns out he didn't quite find it funny, if the really long message about his life that he sent back to me was anything to go by. Or that time in first year that I sat down right opposite a really self-concious chic who I knew was self concious but still asked her straight on, "Are you cross-eyed?" with a certain inflection that she found not so flattering. She was, but I must be pretty good at apologising, coz we were actually like best friends all thro uni.

I guess I'm one of those people who's eternally grateful that the concept of second chances was invented. Coz if it hadn't I can't imagine how many bridges I'd have burned by now. I'm also one of those people who talks really fast so it really does I appear like I talk before I think, but in reality sometimes that's just the excuse I hide behind, coz truth is like everyone else I do think faster than I speak. But I really do make an intentional effort to learn from my mistakes, things I can and things I can't say at least.

But I make no apologies for how I am. In fact, if there's anything I wanna be able to apply the same principle to the rest of my life. I like fantisizing that were I ever in a boardroom I'm not going to be one of those people that gets plagued by analysis paralysis. If a decision needs to be made it's gonna be made now. I mean, if there's no new information coming in then just as well now as next week, right? I'll be a happy guy if I end up that kind of person. Yes I'll probably make a lot of mistakes, but an opportunity is never going to pass me by just because I didn't react fast enough. There's an ad guy who used to run his father's company, Deutsch, Inc, and then sold it to IPG called Donny Deutsch. He had the most outrageous methods of doing things, but he did raise up their enterprise to the top 10 ad agency list, so he must have been doing something right. This is what someone else said about him when reviewing his auto-bio, "Deutsch has been enormously successful in building a top-ranked advertising organization - and empire. Two things impressed me in a positive way as my mental Polaroid image of Deutsch finally took on full color and clarity. First, he risks, and because he risks, he wins more often than he loses. Second, he values his people, and places them in positions to win." Imagine that - he risks, and because he risks, he wins more often than he loses. I want that to be me. If in 20 years I can say that about myself, then my work here will be done. Of course, not surprisingly, Deutsch's book is called Often Wrong, Never In Doubt.

END

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

where hope and daylight die

This was an article published in The East African sometime mid-last year but I just found it and it was too good to pass up. It's by a Miss Wambui Mwangi from the University of Toronto. The story is a bit old, but I don't think that makes it any less true:

I am finding it very difficult to join in the jubilation about Senator Barack Obama. Not that I want to deny the man his victory, but my impulse to celebrate keeps deflating on the idea that the best thing that happened to little Barack was not growing up in Kenya.

I have been imagining alternative trajectories for him if he had come to know the world through the eyes of a Kenyan citizen, if his mother and grandparents had not rescued him from our chaos and contradictions and brought him up somewhere his intellect and talent could grow.

If he had grown up here, and had he somehow managed to retain most elements of his current self, he would have been another outstanding, intelligent and competent Luo man in our midst: and he would have been killed.

Yes, we would have assassinated a Barack Obama if he had remained ours, with us, one of us here in this schizophrenic cauldron we call home. This is not going to stretch the imagination of any Kenyan - after all, when we had that incredibly good-looking and charismatic home-grown hero, Tom Mboya, we shot him to death.

And when that austerely intellectual and elegant leader, Robert Ouko, threatened to look overly intelligent to the world, we killed him too. We killed Pio Gama Pinto and we killed JM Kariuki. There is no reason to suppose that Barack Obama, whose integrity of purpose and stringent sense of ethics even his enemies concede, would have survived his Kenyan roots.

HE IS MUCH TOO INTELLIGENT, TOO charged with the promise of history, too bold in his claim to a shining destiny, too full of the audacity of hope, for us to have let him survive. Kenya would have killed Barack Obama, or at least his dream, as we inevitably destroy, in one way or another, the best and the boldest of us. Goldenberg whistle blower David Munyakei's challenge to his country to be bigger than our greed was met with a whimper, and then with rapid abandonment. We did not deserve him, either.

As for John Githongo, he should have known better than to take the idea of public ethics seriously - this is Kenya, after all. Let him enlighten people at Oxford instead; such considerations are too virtuous for us, too sensible, too conducive to a promising future. We do not even remark on the haunting wastage of all this shining accomplishment - Micere Mugo sings her lyrical poetry for Americans, and we do not even know enough to mourn the loss.

AND YET WE ARE ALL ENCHANTED with the power of the idea of Barack Obama, the hope of him, the beauty of his life's trajectory, the universe of possibilities and probabilities that it conjures for the least of the rest of us. If someone's cousin's friend's neighbour makes it to the United States... then we all have a chance. We have a strange predilection for schizophrenic loves and loyalties; we let geography dictate our alliances and imaginary lines decide our friends. It is as if our social contract states that here, at home, we are obliged to behave like fighting rats to each other but when abroad, when released from the shackles of kin and clan and conclave, we can fly and soar and master the sky.

When Wangari Maathai is abroad, we feel that her Nobel Prize is partly represented in each of our Kenyan living rooms; when she comes home, she is just another Kikuyu politico. We preen about our athletes winning yet another international competition to anybody who will give us half a chance, but when they are at home we turn them into more fodder for militias.

Caine Prize winners are Kenyan by automatic assent, but Binyavanga Wainaina is a Kikuyu writer when at home and Yvonne Owuor is indelibly a Luo - we shrink them to fit the midget-sized visions we have of ourselves.

IT IS CLEAR TO ALL OF US, AND THE evidence continues to accrue, that we have, collectively, a certain global competence, as Kenyans, that we produce individuals of substance and historical purpose.

Being Kenyan, however, we prefer to drown in the pettiness of our parochial quarrels when at home, and if one of us threatens to be too hopeful, too ambitious, too intelligent, too creative or too inspirational to fit into our trivial little categories of hatred and suspicion, we kill them, or exile them from our societies, or we just cause them to run away inside, hiding from us and from themselves the grandeur of their souls, the splendid landscapes of their imagined tomorrows.

Nothing but the worst for us, at home. We recognise each other by our most rancid rhetoric. We insist upon it, we cultivate it, we elevate it to an art form: Kenyan, and quarrelsome.

Kenyan, and clannish. Kenyan, and counter-productive. Kenyan, and self-destructive. Kenyan, and consistently heart-breaking. Genius everywhere, and not a thought to be had. Promise and potential everywhere, and not an opportunity to be had. Money everywhere, and not an honest penny to be earned. Helicopters aplenty, but no help for the needy. A land awash in Cabinet ministers and poverty.

I HAVE BEEN WATCHING KENYANS getting high on Obamamania, and I am wondering what we are so happy about? It is perhaps that we are beginning to acknowledge what we should always have known - given a half a chance, an ever so slightly conducive context, Kenyans are more likely to over-achieve than not. At the faintest provocation, Kenyans will leap past expectations without breaking their stride or breaking a sweat, especially if they happen to have escaped the imprisoning edifice we call home and found foreign contexts to flourish in, no matter how alien.

I went to a town in the Canadian Arctic once, in the far north, where in summer the sun shines even at midnight and in the winter the world is an endless landscape of ice and snow. Here, far, far away from home, where nothing was familiar except the gentleness of elderly Inuit women and the comforting weirdness of the white residents, I was told that the local dentist had, for many years, been a Kenyan. Everybody said he had been an excellent dentist, out there in the desert of the cold. I was unsurprised.

We are an adventurous people, we Kenyans, and we take to the world outside our home as if born to a conquistador culture - we are brave and brash and bold, out there. We buy and sell things, and make money at it, out there. We go to school and excel and cover ourselves with accreditations, out there. We win things, out there. We get prizes, out there. We are at our best, out there.

HOWEVER, AT HOME, FOR SOME REAson we refuse to either acknowledge or examine - we have chosen simply to set aside this capacity. Here, at home, nothing but the very lowest common denominator will do; nothing but the basest and most brutal aspects of our selves are to be presented to each other; nothing but the most cynical manipulation is the basis of our political space. We prefer to be ruled by individuals whose mediocrity is matched only by their mendacity, here at home.

We prefer to abdicate our adult responsibilities and capacity for reason to "leaders" whose lack of virtue is as legendary as our attractively exotic pastoralists. We do not only waste talent, here at home - we go out of our way to suppress and repress it. We do not only deny dreams, here in Kenya - we devour them, and ask each other, "Who do you think you are?" As if the success of another is an affront.

In Kenya, grand vision and soaring imagination is illegitimate; here, they just call you naive. Out there, you stand a chance of becoming a hero; at home, you will have nothing but the taste of ashes in your mouth. Mothers, take your children abroad.

Barack Obama has written two books, in which he discusses ideas. Ideas. This is a man with vision and conviction, and enough good ideas that even those who do not like the pigmentally-advantaged are listening, and changing their minds.

Even those who think that his name sounds suspiciously like a terrorist's are reading his books and listening to his speeches, and changing their minds. This is a man with interesting and inspiring things to say - which disqualifies him from any Kenyan-ness we would have liked to claim.

Americans like the image of them that Barack Obama has painted in words; which Kenyan leader would dare to build dreams bigger than his roots? Which Kenyan leader would ever be so foolish as to attempt inspiration instead of instigation?

BARACK OBAMA HAS SEDUCED THE world by the power of his persuasiveness, and while Kenyans raise another glass to the accomplishments of "one of our own," it seems clear to me that we gave up our rights to him when we gave up our hopes for ourselves. When we settled for incompetence, and corruption, and callousness, we defined ourselves out of his universe, and out of his dreams.

We rejected Barack Obama-ness when we allowed those pangas to slash our dreams, when we watched our hopes spiral away in smoke. We allowed the ones who had done this to become the only mirrors of ourselves, and then squelched our disgraced selves back to the mire of our despondency.

Barack Obama cannot be a Kenyan, and Kenyans cannot grasp Barack Obama's dream. We have already despaired of it, and of ourselves. His dream would have died with ours, here at home, here in the graveyard of hope.

But oh, how we yearn to see ourselves reflected in his eyes...

END


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

searching for a former clarity

What does a guy do when he suddenly wakes up one morning and realises that his life isn't going the way it was supposed to five years ago when he dreamt it all up? Or that he's so far off the course he'd set for himself it's like he's become a totally different person altogether? When he can no longer see it as being even within the realm of possibility? Does he sit down and dream again a dream less lofty than the other one? Or does he soldier on, always believing that if it was possible once it could be possible again? It's the age old question - when does it stop being perseverance and determination and become stupidity? How many times should one try before they realise it's a lost cause, and they need to find a different course to follow? If you can answer that question, then you're smarter than I am, coz I've been thinking about it alot, and I still don't get it. Say I have this friend, who got a job once that he thought was what he needed to get him launched on the path to glory, and then with time came to start feeling that he was merely wasting himself, and that where rubber meets the road the place he was at was nothing like he thought it was going to be. Now it's not a completely lost cause, it's really all just about differences between him and the leadership at that place, nothing physically inhibitive. So if he tried and waited long enough, maybe they could change, and he'd become happier. But say he's tried it and thinks it'll take too long for that to happen, and the he might burn out earlier than that time. So he'd rather just call it quits and go back to the drawing board, see if it's really true when one door closes another one opens. He's got me thinking. Im wondering if I'd have the fortitude to just take the plunge like that. Comfort is a feeling of freedom from worry and disappointment, so I guess that's why they call where you are right now and are afraid to leave a "comfort zone". Worry and disappointment are all the things associated with taking risks, which happens to be the one thing you have to leave the comfort zone to do. This guy says he wants control over what he does, and what he earns. They say the higher the risk the greater the returns. But mostly the thing they don't tell you is that they mean at the stock market, not really out in the real world where the difference between success and failure is you having a hot plate in the evening and sleeping out in the rain. And also that the higher the risk the higher the price you pay, so really those higher returns, whatever they may be, have been earned, right?

So anyway my friend's jumping into the deep end, with both feet. These are the people who make us start thinking. He got a deal, he found it raw, and instead of just sucking up and compromising like most of would have (I think yours truly included, up to a certain level), he's walking away and looking elsewhere. It's pretty amazing, how much people can do if they look deep enough within themselves. In a country like the one we're leaving in I know at least 20 people who'd call you a fool for leaving a job, ANY kind of job. They'd say how it's better than nothing, and how maybe that's where God wants you to start, and how there's a million other people out there with the same degree who dint get the chance you got, however paltry, and so you should put up or shut up, and be grateful, and quit your whining and go back to work. So you had dreams about something different, well face it, it's called life! Dreams don't come easy. No pain no gain. You know, the works! But there's another side to all this. "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate; our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." I wanna be that guy who can stand up and say enough is enough, because I think inasmuch as situtations make you complacent they're not necessarily better than nothing. "Nothing", if nothing else (excuse the pun), is a strong motivator. When push comes to shove we always manage to step up to the plate. At the precipice, there's nothing man cannot do. The problem is usually getting ourselves to that point. And unless we're there we're never really gonna improve ourselves.

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But every once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of doing it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to pick up and start over again, for no reason other than the fact that you're not happy where you are. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and the fear of what lies ahead.

END