it gets the worst at night

Here are those lamentations again, this time after the fact. It's starting to seem as though there are people who are destined to be alone, and that I'm one of those people. I had thought I had found real love, I had thought I was in it for the long haul. Me and the subject of my unopened letter to the world, we thought we were going to have it all. But alas! It was not to be :( It appears "the long haul" just got drastically shortened. To 2 months! Things came up during the last few days that led me to believe the world is not nearly big enough. There was a slight conflict of interests between us and another couple. We figured since we were the new kids on the block, so to speak, it should be us who let up and not those others (hurray me! performing a selfless act! omg), so we sort of mutually agreed to disagree. I can't help sometimes but wonder where those days are in which Shakespeare was writing his stuff, when love used to reign supreme and it could go up against even two families and still triumph, albeit tragically. Us going on might have meant alienating the families, and for some reason we decided that was too high a cost to pay (I guess things to do with curses, parents getting cardiac arrests, it's not the african way... that kind of thing...). But had it been, say, Romeo and Juliet, they would probably have said "...Screweth thee the Montagues and the Capulets!...Love give me strength, and strength will help me through. Goodbye, dear father..." Wait... they did actually say that! But we apparently are living in a different day and age, or perhaps a better description would be "the real world" where snow white dies every time.

Now all I do is think about what could have been... The places we could have gone (there's a song that sez "...love lifts us up where we belong..." or something like that - from those old Sundowner days)... All the experiences shared... All the little arguments, and fights, and the happy times, and the movies, and the texts and phone calls. I'll miss those things. We're supposed to still be friends tho, so I'm waiting to see how that goes, if all these "unresolved feelings" will come back up again to haunt me. But right now this emotional turmoil I'm in gets the worst at night. When it's dark and I'm all alone and there's this eerie silence interspersed with the ocassional mosquito buzzing past, those are the times I die a thousand deaths. Anyway, I saw this written somewhere once, and I agree: When your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive, coz you are. And the pain that you feel, that's life. The confusion and the fear, that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better; and that something... is worth fighting for. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny.

Even though it ended ten years too soon, at least I got a chance to for ever so short an instance live in the moment. To reach out and hold on to the possibilities without regard for future consequences. I finally did something I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and, surprise!! surprise!! the world didn't end! Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. said many people die with their music still inside them, and that too often, it's because they're always getting ready to live, and, before they know it, time runs out. Well, at least I enjoyed my fifteen minutes. I have no regrets. Maybe we did deserve better, but who can ever tell these things? The more I think about it, the more I see no rhyme and reason to life. No one knows why some things work out and others don't. It's a shame though, coz I could have held her in my arms forever, and it still wouldn't have been long enough...

END {{in more ways than one!}}

relating to a psychopath

Ever known someone in your life you thought was so stupid, so short sighted, so unbalanced, so emotionally needy and yet devious and conniving and a petty thief, so insecure about themselves, and yet you couldn't just slam the door in that person's face because, well, they were like family or you loved them or maybe they were your responsibility? Ever tried to change them, to make them a better person, but found that everything you tried was an exercise in futility coz they kept slipping right back? Ever wanted to countless times just wash your hands and say to hell, but couldn't coz it's the kind of problem that just doesn't go away? What do you do? Im in that situation. It's not easy being the one someone wants to be like. It's even harder if your life seems like it's one of those charmed ones and theirs is... er... not. Sometimes I just wanna pick up and leave and move to Australia or somewhere so I won't have to hear things like these, maybe even turn back time and be born a different person, and then I sit and and think why should I be the one that moves? Im not the one with the problem. Why can't it be these other people? And so in my big-headedness I decide the world is big enough for both of us and I stay and eventually the stresses just keep piling up till Im not supposed to be able to ignore them any more. Trouble is, Im the kind of guy who can ignore them. Yes they'll bother me for two minutes, but it's not that hard for me to shelve these kinds of problems. I compartmentalize a lot, I've discovered, so unless it's a physical ill you can almost never tell when Im going through stuff. Except of course if you're the cause... :) And try as I might, I can't help but think about tomorrow when there won't be places for me to escalate these issues, when the buck will stop with me, and I won't have a place to turn to or escape.

Im trying to see life through the eyes of an emo kid who has long hair covering his eyes and is extremely slender and puts on those jeans that are torn at the knees and dons dark eye shadow and listens to angry goth rock and cuts his wrists when he's agitated coz the world doesn't seem to stop when he's in trouble and Im just not seeing it. Leukemia, diabetes, lupus, HIV even, those are diseases. What the hell is this im hearing people call ADD?? Transference?? Temporary insanity? Who came up with concepts like that, and gave theses damaged kids some excuse to hide their stupidity behind?? You know Steve Harvey once said him he doesn't see shrinks and sh*t like that. Him when he gets mental problems and psychological ones he keeps them bottled up inside till they manifest themselves as physical symptoms, then he goes and sees a real doctor. Couldn't have said it better myself. How are human psyches so different? Aren't we made from the same base material? Granted all our behaviours should not totally be the same coz our minds are individual, but I think i draw the line at imaginary friends!! What the hell are those???

Anyway, maybe Im just a pragmatist, and there are actually other people out there who can understand what psychological problems are. Me I just see them as a string of psychobabble created by those med-school dropouts who were too scared to see blood but still wanted the title "Doctor". I guess I just don't see emotional neediness as so much a problem than a self-imposed condition. If it's in the mind then the cure needs to come from the mind. There's no such thing as I can't handle it in my books. Or I-don't-know-what-my-problem-is-so-im-gonna-seek-help. wtf!!! Unless you're talking about a mind reader, I really don't see how someone else is gonna help you resolve issues that are in your mind! Maybe psychopath is too strong a word, but what! that was the closest song I know to what I wanted to say (it's Macy Gray). Plus apparently the further a topic is from actual content the more artistic it's considered to be so move over Langstone Hughes - here comes me(!) :) Now I have a new-found respect for parents, coz I swear if I had a kid who turned out to be like that...

{{{Whew! I just had my first rant on the blog. Feels oddly satisfying! Note-to-self: Should do this more often.}}}

END

party like a rockstar

I have found out something about myself today - I need to become a rockstar. I KNOW! Weird, especially for someone like me - coz that will involve so many things, like get voice surgery (does that exist?), but wait - Steven Tyler did pretty well for himself with that frog-like voice... so scratch voice surgery. I need to become a few shades lighter, learn how to dance(!!!), acquire stage presence (where do they sell that, anyone?), and most of all, LEARN GUITAR! For the longest time I've been telling myself Im gonna learn how to play the guitar. And I've never followed through. Guess that's my white unicorn. That and the Beamer, of course :) See I was at a rock concert earlier today. My very first one - live music at least. BOY! did those guys bring it! It was like, just when you think it can't get louder they drop a hit you know and then the guitarist gets on top of the amp and starts playing a riff like you haven't heard before, and then the lead singer jumps and the drummer comes down on them bad boys HARD! Then the bassist pauses for ever so long and it's all silent except for the keyboard, and then just when you heart rate's coming back to normal it all begins again. WOW! That, my friends, is power. The music was literally flowing through my veins, coz I think at some point I just totally got immersed in all of it and it's like I wasn't just listening through the ears any more. Granted, I have two left feet so I can't really do that whole jump up and prance about and shake my head thing, but I felt the music. I felt it like I don't think I ever have before. And funny story - Im not even a fan of Jars of Clay (that's who was playing). I just generally like rock and it sounded like it was going to happen. But now Im definitely a fan! Im diggin up all their old albums as soon as I get time!

That's a paradigm shift, if you ever heard of one. I love audit as much as you can love something that takes over your whole life and turns it into a mass of aching bones and ringing phones and alarms that never end, but I suspect that career is a tad less interesting than being a rockstar. I mean come on, planes, tour buses, screaming fans, groupies, free drinks, groupies, fast cars and hot houses, groupies... what's not to like? Anyway, I also dislike the loneliness, and I hear as a rockstar Im gonna be willing to even pay just to have some time on my own. And I can throw tantrums whenever the record label starts giving me grief about the I donno deadlines, and I can tell them where they can stick then go bang myself in the changing room and everyone will just leave me alone, then they'll come apologize later for working me up and talk to me kindly about the aforementioned deadline and ask me what time would be convenient for me. I mean, of course I signed a contract, but no one would dare remind me about that one at a time like that, coz I'd be the face of their outfit, and I'd let them know they need me more than I need them. I'd be drama queen number one - complete with the mascara and lip gloss.

And is it just me or are rockstars always throwing or attending parties! I don't like parties much myself, but I guess I could be convinced. What's the alternative - financial statements? Nah, I could definitely be convinced. It's like they get paid to be awesome, and to lead this awesome life us people just dream about. (all that and the stupid people go and OD on drugs, trynna achieve escape from that whole glamorous life of fortune and fame that's so hard to bear! wtf??) Well I want it all. I wanna be able to walk into a showroom and have the manager clamouring to let me drive one of his cars, as long as I let him tell people I drive it. "You won't even have to pay for it, just take a picture with me." I want to wake up on a Monday morning and load up the Xbox and play Halo 3. I want body guards to beat up all those a***s I'm constantly running into. I want fame. I want a label credit card with no limit. I want to be able to wear shades inside a building at night and still make people go "Hey, that's cool. Why haven't I ever tried that before?" And then when I've done all that I wanna launch my own line of cologne. Pour Homme, of course. Maybe star in a movie or two. And have a biography written about me. Definitely have a biography. Then retire to a cool no-frills life (well, in this country, at least) in politics, not using up any of the money I'll have amassed over the years, so the rest of my family never has to work again. I want all these things, and then some.

But, well tomorrow's Monday again. Im gonna be woken up by those incessant alarms, and Im gonna dress in those (pretty cool, actually) drab suits and go to my never-ending job, and Im still going to be grateful for it all. And the pipe dreams, well

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Ask me in about ten years.

END

unopened letter to the world

What is it exactly that you mean to me? When I think about you, what do I see? I have a weird personality - an inherent disconnect from the rest of the world that borders on indifference. There's very few things I can't just up and walk away from and not bat an eyelid. I've built a sort of wall around myself through which nothing goes. I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool, I've become much too good at being untouchable. How I got this way can't really say I know, but that's how I am. I take no prisoners. While connections last they rule, and when they end, they really end. It's like they were never there. I'm protected that way, I guess, from all the pain and disappointment. But then I'm also precluded from all the joy and elation. Just as I can never really hurt, I can never really yearn, pine away, languish; I can also never fully enjoy. I can never fully immerse myself in something, feel nothing other than the here and the now, make the moment last forever. My gift, is also my burden. So it only makes sense that you ask yourself, that you ask me, what do you mean to me?

I've had a taste of what it's like to be in love. To think about someone other than myself. To put myself life in someone else's hands, and have her put hers in mine (albeit a bit different than the army does it, hehe). To open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt, and thus create in my heart a window for the chance of being truly and completely happy. To look at her and see forever. To see myself through her eyes and see like a halo around my head, to see her through my own eyes and see perfection. When all the chips are down, it's a beautiful feeling. It's like I'm floating. Time stops, and sound stops, and movement stops, and nothing else in the world exists but the two of us. I totally feel Lifehouse: "...And how can I stand here, and not be moved by you? Tell me, how can it get better than this..."

Maybe I don't tell you this quite as often as I should, but you're always on my mind. You're the one I want to see when I wake up, and the hand I want to hold when I go to sleep. The little things you do, like blink a hundred miles a second, or talk to both me and the good people of the Republic of China at the same time, or pout and tilt your head and start nodding at everything I ask, or punch me when you should be thanking me, or say "Goodness!!", or go from sulking to ecstatic and back in 5 seconds flat; the ones no one else does, those are the ones that constantly take my breath away. The way we think about the same things at the same time, the way you say no when I say something you don't want to do, that we actually disagree on things sometimes, the way you sit and look spaced out for the longest time, and then go and say something that makes me speechless, the kinds of dreams you have even; these are a few of my favorite things.

Yes. I do have an inherent disconnect from the rest of the world that borders on indifference. And I do act like I'm made of stone. And I do take no prisoners. But there's also a different side to me, apparently. Turns out it's not that hard to draw blood out of a stone - all you have to do is get it to fall in love. You're not the air I breathe, but in many ways you are the reason I breathe. When I think about my life before you, it's like I wasn't even living. You've shown me what it's like to want nothing more, to be well and truly gratified. I've seen the other half of the yellow sun, and now I know that the best things in life aren't things. I wanna hold your hand and never let go. Marcel Proust said to be grateful to those who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners that make our souls blossom. You make me happy. You make my the future a place I want to go. You make tomorrow worth looking forward to. I grew up a cynic, but now I believe in a thing called love. There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, and the other is to gain it. If that be true, then call me a masochist and give me tragedy any day, because what I feel right now, is for lack of better words pure magic.

END

shadows and regrets

Im back, back in town, and everything has changed
I feel, feel let down, the faces stay the same
I see, see shadows, of who we used to be
When I drive, drive so slow, through this memory

When we were only kids,
And our time couldn't end
And how tall did we stand
With the world in our hands

Those were the days, weren't they? I was a child once, I was young, and I felt like I was invincible. I felt nothing could touch me. It's my birthday today, and a lot has changed since then. Some for the better, a little for the worse. I was one of those kids who was just born on a silver star. Other than a mountain bike I don't really think there's anything I'd ever wanted that I didn't get, and other than dancing and basketball I can't place anything I ever tried to do that I didn't manage. O, and singing, but that's just coz of my voice (apparently it's a little sweet... :) When we're growing up life seems idyllic. It's a world of possibilities out there, but it doesn't even matter, coz we know there's always going to be someone there to take care of us. Well, most of us. We know that in the evening there's gonna be a roof over our heads and in the morning a table's gonna be set for us. And we don't care where all these things come from. We are oblivious to the fact that nothing in life comes free, nothing comes easy. People have to work for things, and work hard. We hear adults talk of credit crunches and downsizing and teachers' strikes and these things don't impact us in any way. We believe the president is a good man, and we can't understand why it is when we're playing with our food our parents keep telling us about hungry kids in Sudan, (so, what, "Mummy, if I eat all my food, will the kids in Sudan get healthier?", asked one kid innocently).

We don't know what authority is, or that it can conspire to screw us over and there's nothing we can do about it. We believe that everyone is like our father - they just want what's best of us. Or at the very least if we asked for a lollipop they'll get us one. As children, the world is a fair place where every kid who behaved themselves gets a present from Santa Claus at christmas, and if you take out your tooth the tooth fairy comes to reward you for all the pain you had to endure. Happily ever after isn't such a utopian idea then, we're usually living it. We play with our friends during the day and everything is as it seems. There are no such things as ill feelings, undercutting and pretentious babble. We know the world goes round, but we don't care coz we're going round faster than it is, and so retribution for our actions, whatever the h*** that is, can never really catch up with us. Whatever we do we know we'll get away with it, coz, well, we're only children.

As kids, concepts like malice, revenge, cheating and maligning are all greek to us. A mummy does not just go and break a daddy's heart, and she comes home every night. Actually, she's home all day, it's the daddy who comes home every night. We cannot understand why they talk loud to each other and yell, or why he hits her. Don't they love each other? And why does the name Tina keep coming up? What's a hussy, we wonder. We cannot grasp the fact that there are just certain things that won't be solved by talking, or buying the other person ice cream. When we're kids and we're girls and our dad comes up to us when mum's not around and tells us that he loves us and does stuff to us, we think it's ok. He loves us, surely it must be this way for every other kid. If he says it's gonna be ok then it's gonna be ok. We don't find out till we're old enough that it's too late and we're probably damaged for life, that it wasn't. Kids have no sense of class, or snobizm, we pick that up later, much later. For kids, everyone's a friend, and there's always a game you can play together. Even the dirt's not dirt, just another adventure. That Yellowcard song goes on:

When we were only kids,
And we were best of friends,
And we hoped for the best,
And let go of the rest...

I've been thinking about how much stuff's changed over the years. How the people in my life have come and gone. Some for the better, some for the worse. I have gotten a lot wiser, and I know a lot more about people and patterns than I did back then. The little house I grew up in, that's still the same. But the little neighbours I grew up around, almost none of them is still around. Some have gone on to great success, but for others things haven't gone so well. When we were kids we were all at the same level, but now there's worlds between us. People can never seem to be able to just get together and reminisce about the good old times, and not have a care in the world how far each has come on their own. Reconnect at that basic level. We were friends then, why can't we be now? No. Too much changes over the years, apparently. Everything's got to be about something now, we can no longer just sit and have a good time for the sake of the good time. Robert Frost has a beautiful poem, about the simple life, and I think it alludes to our childhood days:

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
...
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.

Just that. The boy goes up trees, swings down them. Goes up another, swings down it. And has the time of his life. We keep hearing people tell us "Simplify!" when we complain about what a drag life has become. How much simpler can it get? If only we could all just be kids again...

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
...
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

END

carpe diem baby

Carpe diem is a Latin phrase from a poem by Horace, popularly translated as "seize the day". Now, Nickelback. Nickelback are one of those bands that goes silent for two years and you start to think they're dead, and just then they drop a record that you listen to and you are just lost for words. You start to wonder where they have been all your life! Dark Horse is one such record, and I recently got my hands on it and I've already skizad most of it. There's a song that particularly stood out, If Today Was Your Last Day. I don't think I'd be able to say it better than them if I tried, so Im gonna just go ahead and say it exactly the way they say it:

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each days a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned
Leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
If today was your last day

Going against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there's no second try
So live it like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark
On ending a broken heart
You know it's never too late
To shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind
A moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
Cause the hands of time
Are never on your side

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

It's all about opportunity. The here and now. Living life as we see it and having no regrets. Win or lose, this much we should all be able to say, like Frankie did, "At least I did it my way." This right here, this is the reason I listen to rock. It's mostly noise, but once every four or five songs you find that one that just blows you away! And it's usually worth all the crap you had to sift through to get it. And what better time than the start of a new year to hear this.

So go ahead.
Live, win
Dare, fail
Eat dirt
Bite the nail

Strip smile
Lose cool
Bleed the day
And break the rule

It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem, baby

END

the places you have come to fear the most

I first discovered I had a fear of heights when I was in high school. I went up to the roof of one of the buildings and the strangest thing - I couldn't look down. Then later on after high school when I was doing a stint at the engineering department and had to take reports up the factory floors on staircases without railings, and I couldn't take more than two steps at a time. It's odd, coz I grew up living on high rises, mostly on the top floor. Guess it doesn't count how high you go when you know there are barriers to protect you. Anyway, then later I found that I was afraid of crowds, the first time I had to do public speaking at the music festivals and I went on stage and all the words melted away, and needless to say I was sixth out of six, or that time I had to introduce the choral verse in German (coz I was the best student, or really the only one who knew enought to), and I forgot and gave it a different name on stage. No one in my team noticed, coz, well, it was German, but Im sure the judges did. I know this, because we came out last. We once lived near a posh-ish neighbourhood, where everyone had dogs. And I'd never spared them a second thought, but one time I was passing by my neighbour's gate and he was driving in so it was open, and his dog slipped and ran out the compound - after me. I freaked! I ran, and ran and ran, and when I saw an out - it was a bit dark - in the form of another neighbor's compound I went for it, and leapt in and forgot she actually had a barbed wire fence that was about knee-high. So I tripped on it, fell with all that momentum and got like a hundred bruises, but more tragically (I thought then), I fell on my cellphone and broke the screen. My very first cellphone! I was heartbroken. Of course by this time the dog master had just caught up with us so now that I had broken and scratched everything I could he took his dog back. Without even a word of apology! Thus came up my other real fear - dogs.

Of course, back then I was young, and I have since overcome that fear of dogs.

Non-superficially, Im scared of one day waking up and finding out I don't matter. I put on this brave face of someone who doesn't care and will live his life like there was no difference if he were the only one lost on treasure island, but deep down in places I don't talk about at parties I fear I do care. And I do worry what other people think of me. Some people, at any rate. And not my parents either, one or two friends. It hurts sometimes when Im not included in plans, or when I find out about them merely by accident, or when I get stood up, or every Saturday that I have to spend watching TV all day because I had nothing to do. Especially around the holidays. I call myself antisocial and I think I am, but I think its more a defence mechanism than by choice. As far back as I can remember I've always been this aloof person who didn't hug others or call in the evening to say hi or even just send thoughtful messages on Valentine's day. But when I sit down and think about it there are times when I realise that I may be missing out on a lot of things. Rollercoasters, they call them. There's this myth about singles dying in their apartments accidentally when they're 35 and no one notices till two weeks later when their bodies are all smelly and decomposing, and at times I see myself like that and worry. Perhaps I should try a little harder.

Dashboard Confessional describe a person in their song: "Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself/And covered with a perfect shell/Such a charming beautiful exterior/Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes/Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by..." Im not that far gone yet, but Im really scared Im getting there. Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself - check. Covered with a perfect shell - check. Charming beautiful exterior - check. Brilliant smiles and shining eyes - check (so I hear... :). Barely scraping by? I don't know. Time alone will tell.

END

where happiness lives

You probably sat in a fancier conference room the last time you refinanced or heard a pitch about life insurance. There's a table, some off-brand mesh office chairs, a bookcase that looks as if it had been put together with an Allen wrench and instructions in Swedish.

To reach this room, you pass through a cubicle farm lightly populated by quiet young people. Either they have just arrived or they are just leaving, because their desks are almost bare. The place has a vaguely familiar feel to it, this air of transient shabbiness and nondescriptitude. You can't quite put your finger on it ...

"It's like the set of The Office," someone offers.

Bingo.

Who writes like that??? I guess there's a reason not everyone with a pen and a decent language set (read yours truly) works for Time. The people who write for that magazine are just in a league all their own. That was the start of their 2008 Person of the Year story, featuring, of course, Barack Obama, and that guy was describing the office Obama sits in till he becomes the President officially this month. Anyway, that was just a sidebar, someone I hope is going to be me soon. 2008's gonna go down as the year a black person won the US presidency with no experience and against two candidates who were basically institutions in that country's politics asides from being white, a black person won formula one for the first time ever, Federer lost number one since he first got it some time in 05, a new powerhouse was created at the Olympics by the name Usain Bolt (as in the stars just lined up for this guy, coz how else do you explain his parents naming him Bolt and him growing up to be, like, a FAST runner), Vladimir Putin gave up the Russian presidency and was immediately appointed Prime Minister, the last Harry Potter was released and instantly became the fastest selling book in history (11 million copies in one day!!!! just in US and Britain, interestingly a record previously held by the previous Harry Potter, which had in turn unseated the fifth Harry Potter - that's literary power) and JK Rowling became richer than the Queen, and still despite all this a person we hardly ever think about made it to the top of the 100 Most Influential People list - the Dalai Lama. It's amazing because by his own philosophies he can't be vocal, can't draw attention to himself in any way, can't forcibly advance his beliefs, and of course doesn't go to parties with Paris Hilton or endorse Armani gowns.

He's supposed to be the guy who sits and watches silently while the rest of the world oppresses him, and prays for them, probably writes them an angry email once in a while just to let them know he's also human, in case they'd forgotten. But unlike Gandhi in the 60's, this guy is facing the Chinese communists, who, unlike their British counterparts, are not likely to be given to sudden attacks of conscience that will lead to Tibet's freedom. In fact, conscience doesn't even seem to have a Chinese translation - I looked it up! (ok, maybe I dint try hard enough :) If they gagged the media even during the Olympics there's not much these people won't do! And yet he still thinks kindly about them. "I don't dislike the Chinese, only their actions," he says. So then therefore the most mystical thing about this guy is also the most ordinary, seemingly: he's happy. In the midst of all the chaos and turmoil he's happy. Knowing that he's up against the largest civilisation and has only discipline and hope on his side, the Dalai Lama still wakes up in the morning and smiles. How does a person do that? Millions of people turn to him for inspiration. They prop him up on a pedestal and aspire to be like him. Where does he turn to? Not George Bush, that's for sure :)

If there's one thing his story shows us it's that happiness does not depend on possessions, even the intangible, widely regarded as lofty ones, like peace of mind and self worth. Just as easily as you choose to detest those who would oppress you and stew your insides over in all the grudges and ill feelings you harbor, you could choose to forgive them and wish them well, and free your mind to be truly happy. Existentialists believe in existence over essence - that the self, the very being of the person, rather than some predefined notion of human essence, defines what it is to be human. Basically, a person should be able to believe himself anything, metaphorically speaking even a superhero, and be it. The existence comes before the essence, and so we are totally in control of everything about us, including whether or not we're happy. We don't find a stereotype and grow into it. Instead, by how we live we create the stereotype.

They say, though, that man is a social being, and also that misery loves company. Thinking transitively, that would imply that man is somehow inherently miserable. So then he has to actually take measures to make himself happy. It won't just fall on him. But the thing is, what measures? Since hate and fear and worry are not like things you actively do, they're not physical, how do you stop? How do you make yourself truly free? When it comes to destiny and fate I tend to agree with the existentialist principles - we are wholy and completely in control of our ends. I don't believe there are people who are destined to be wretched and they don't have a choice in the matter. So I know there's something we should be able to do about it, but what? I don't do new year's resolutions, coz really we're usually just carrying over last year's ones into this year (unless we're Steve Jobs and our goals are things like make the iPhone the standard in mobile communication), but this year I want to find out what it means to be truly happy. I want to be able to stand in the midst of all the torrid goings-on around me and tune them all out and marvel at the wonder that is nature. At the beauty of roses, and the magnificence of the sky and the ocean, and the grandeur of mountains, and the gracefulness of the swimming duck. Anne Frank says "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." and yet Albert Camus thinks differently: "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." They both seem to have a point, I think. I just don't know whose is the stronger one. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, they say. I guess it meanss something that the Dalai Lama wears none.

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somewhere between lovers and friends

I finally get to write a lamentations edition... I think I've met a girl. Actually met isn't the right word, coz I've known her for a while, maybe even five years on and off. We used to talk when I was in high school, then we stopped, then we started again when she was in high school, then stopped, then started again when I was in uni, then stopped, then started again when she was in uni. Then I got complimentaries to Nu Metro about four months ago and out of the blue I asked her to go with me and she said yes and we started hanging out after that ocassionally then her birthday came and went and I didn't know so she told me. That was now two months ago. After that it all seems like a blur, but right now I know she's away and it's the strangest thing - more than anything else I want to see her. I always used to look at my friends when they were here and laugh and think how weak they were, and that that stuff wasn't for me. Little did I know. This is all new to me, but I think I really like this girl, and I can't tell for sure if she feels the same way, but I know for a fact I want her to. She makes my heart race sometimes, I am physically unable to say no when she asks (but I try :), when we're together hours last only 10 minutes, I wanna hold her hand when we're walking (although I don't, dono why, maybe Im scared), and I can't seem to stop thinking about her lately. Why didn't all this happen to me the normal way - when I was still in kindergarten? Then I guess things would have been a lot easier to handle, and I'd now have a lot more experience. But no, it had to go and wait until I was old enough that I know what it is when someone's stomach is turning on the inside (which is what it does when she's not around and I want to see her - it is NOT fun!) I haven't told her yet, coz I keep thinking the feeling will go away somehow if I just leave it alone and my heartbeat will go back to normal, but it does not seem to be cooperating. In fact I think it gets stronger. That guy who said absence maketh the heart grow fonder was definitely onto something. But she hasn't the tiniest inkling what a blog is, let alone that I have one, so Im safe on this front :)

See now I have all these questions. I really don't think my problem with relationships is committment phobia the way the stereotype says. For me it's always been that I didn't feel the need to. I didn't seem to have that void people want to fill with love, and so everything was just peachy. I was single and I loved it. Now I don't know if that void has developed or I've just had a brain aneurism! How do I know it's not just a crush that will die down with time? Why didn't I feel this way the first time we met? She's still the same person I knew back then, I think Im still the same person I was, so what's changed? And why now, when all of us are going away for the holidays and will definitely not meet? Im not very big on phone conversations. For one thing, the other person can never seem to hear what Im saying, ati I speak too fast, mara Im not loud enough, plus I tend to run out of things to say very easily, so I only call to set up meetings or to find out specific things. Juzi when we met we were walking down memory lane, rehashing how we met, and I think it's remarkable that we both still remembered, given how long ago it was and that it wasn't like love at first sight or anything. I did like her even back then, but those were the days when I was like an island, entire unto myself, so going out never even came up. I just used to think it was nice having someone around to hang out with. But now do I want more? And what exactly is this "more"? And now that we've been friends this long won't it just ruin everything if I were to make a move and things went south. She's coming out of a long relationship and so there's that chance that I could just be the rebound guy and that never ends well, so I hear. There's all these things to consider. So much to think about. But then on the other hand there's the chance that it could all work out and I could end up the richest man in Babylon. If I'd been there before then I'd know if that chance was worth risking everything else. Now my problem is I've never been so Im at a loss here. Life would have been so much easier if we could hire people to make these decisions for us, or if we could just take a slight peek into the future to see how stuff turns out first, or maybe if I just had a Beamer(TM) :-D

The best song I've heard all this year I think is Broken by Lifehouse, and it's just now playing and I can't help but think how almost apt those lyrics are. Im not fully there yet, but Im finally starting to get a sense of what it is people mean when they say she's driving me crazy. It's a painful feeling, and beautiful at the same time. You have anxiety on the one hand and anticipation on the other. You can't decide whether to cry or to laugh. So maybe it wasn't meant to be love at first sight everytime. Maybe she just needed to walk by again, a coupla hundred times :), but regardless how I got here, Im here now and I just spent two hours writing this article and listening to Broken and Im really not comfortable on this sappy side. It's always been me empathising with those other people. I didn't ever think the day would come when I'd be in their shoes. Am I ready to do the boyfriend thing? I don't know. I don't even know what this "boyfriend thing" is, but I can already tell that if it means spending time with this girl I might want to give it a spin. I had always imagined I was going to be indomitable forever, and that I was never going to find myself just sitting down thinking about someone and wishing they were here. How wrong I was. But still, in the pain there is healing, and in her name, I find meaning. So Im holding on.

END

all tomorrow's parties

It's been four years since I joined uni, and the four years have been heaven! What! Ever since I decided to make the switch (I'd originally been called to go do building economics), I've always thought that B.Com is the best course in the world. Never mind that every half decent (and I do mean half decent) college now has their own flavor on offer (including, but not limited to, one Makere satellite college which Makerere insists have no affiliation with them whatsoever), plus really, I was at the best one of them all so that wasn't really a problem for us. When I was still in my old course, I had a classmate who'd actually done and passed those international baccalaureate exams and I used to wonder why would she go here when she could fly out, and her reason was that some friends of hers had told her "You haven't lived till you've been to the university of Nairobi". At the time of course I thought that was a pretty paltry reason for not wanting to go outside (and never come back). I still do, and turns out she does too, she was really just whiling away the time waiting for acceptances, coz once they came Uon was dropped like a hot stone. But having been through the machine myself, I can now say with a certain measure of authority that those friends of hers were onto something.

Life at that place is just out of this world. First by sheer numbers alone, you come to believe there's nothing you all can't do if you just agree on it. People are resourceful, as far as entertainment and events go, and if you know the right guys there's really never not anything to do. Stories abound - about both the students and the lecturers, but I was never a fan of the administration coz it never used to appear like they're doing me any favors. Or even like they even loved their jobs, so there's very few lecturers I even knew by name. I discovered I like gossip. ALOT! And that I don't care when Im gossiped about, although the way the system's been made you'll never know if it's about you, which I like. There was once this one bit about a guy who used to live with his girlfriend (the rooms were like 4 feet by 12 me I don't even know how you live two people inside there!!) and then killed her and hid her body under his bed, and no one discovered till about two weeks later when the body started smelling. Christ! The things we hear. No one ever talks about how he did it, but I think she probably suffocated to death - wasn't enough air for both of them in there. But as to why, stress is cited.

Then there was this band - The Journey. DAMN, I was a fan! They used to do these renditions of pop-rock hits both gospel and otherwise and it used to chuck so realistically. The first time I went as a first year I remember they played Breakfast at Tiffany's and at the time it had been forever since I'd heard it I was just blown away! I even went and looked for it just to relive old memories. Even after I moved to the upcountry campus I still used to find time and come attend their concerts, and they just got better with time. Although after leaving school I find it hard to go, bogged down with work and all. Then we used to do these road trips at the end of a semester where we hire cars and go out of the city for a day then come back late at night, and something always used to go wrong during them culminating in a major accident involving one of our cars and a matatu in which the matatu actually rolled and our car was wrecked. That was a scary one! Mercifully no one died - one matatu passenger just broke a leg, but naturally the idea of a road trip was not floated again following that incident. And then of course, who could forget, SIFE. In third and fourth years I discovered just how big a part of my life both in and out of campus SIFE was when one Sunday we'd decided not to meet coz nothing was happening and I couldn't remember what I used to do on Sundays. By 2PM me I was ready for the next day! I can truthfully say that if ever any single group of people outside of my parents have had an impact on my life it's my SIFE friends. And it doesn't hurt that we got to go to NYC and Paris. Doesn't hurt at all! :)

So the reason Im reminiscing like this is the graduation list recently came out (must say I'm impressed - we usually just graduate on expectations, they publish the list much later when we're all done with the masters!). And Im in it! With honors no less. I wish we also called it cum laude, like those other places, but for now who cares! Im graduating with honors! I love my life. I love the fact that I did not throw away my uni years just studying, and still came out on top. You know, maybe it's a good thing I didn't get taken for that elec engineering that i'd wanted coz it's possible id be speaking a very different story right now. For starters, I'd still be a student! Fate and its master, the Lord, seem to always be on my side when it counts, and that so far has been my saving grace. So on graduation I won't just be celebrating the closing of a chapter and the beginning of another one, I'll also be celebrating a life well lived. I did a lot of things in uni I'd never done before, I got a lot of exposure, I learned a lot of things, apparently I even came out with a degree, but most of all, in uni I met people who changed my life. And that is what all tomorrow's parties are going to be about.

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